I’m a pretty big fan of cinema.  I’m usually game for anything from Sci-fi to Fantasy to Documentaries.  My two big pitfalls are foreign language films and films that are subtitled.  It wasn’t always that way of course… mainly because as I grew up my tastes changed.  When I was younger I was more into the pop Sci-fi and the Horror genres.  As a kid, like most my age, I always looked forward to slasher/horror movies like Friday The 13th for one reason.

Titties.

Yes folks… the BIG reason to truly watch those movies are for hot little scream queens baring their breasts in 1-3 second bursts of premium grade A celluloid.  However as a grown man the allure of that flash no longer holds sway over me as it once did.  Hell, I had a subscription to Playboy which was cheaper than the price of a movie ticket!

So here are 13 reasons why I’m NOT going to see Friday The 13th 2009 “Reboot”:

• It’s directed by Marcus Nispel who’s last movie was the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre in 2003.  6 years between movies???  Obviously he isn’t that highly sought after.
• Derek Mears was cast to play the slasher has a bunch of stuff to his credit… but no performance really stands out.
• Jared Padaleck who was cast as the male lead might also star in Supernatural but other than that… he was in the Gilmore Girls.  ‘Nuff said.
• Amanda Righetti who was cast as the lead already appeared in FHM Magazine.  She was ranked #59 in 2005 and #84 in 2006 in their list of The 100 Hottest Women.  Continuing that downward trend she would rank as #159 today.
• This movie looks to take the first four movies of the franchise and roll them into one… so it’s practically guaranteed to be half shit.
• They’re going to try and explain a 1980’s hockey mask in a timeframe when goalies wear helmets.  Not culturally accurate since they are not making it a period piece.
• Crystal Lake remains as generic as they come.  Cabins, trees, and cobwebs.  Maybe if they threw in a Pit of Carkoon and a Sarlaac I’d be more intrigued.
• Jason has already been to New York and there is no better city so anywhere else is just blah.
• Jason has already been to space and there is no better frontier so anywhere else, especially earth, is just blah.
• Jason has already been to hell and faced Freddy Krueger… so it isn’t like these people stand a chance to begin with.
• Jason should be a killing machine and this movie is looking to show more of his “human” side.  Who the fuck cares.
• Pretty much all the reviews, particularly from friends who saw previews (with one exception), say it’s the same old shit… just a different bucket of popcorn and a very unsatisfying aftertaste.
• No real interesting titty allure like the chick with the 36M&M breasts.

So needless to say… I’m not going to see it.  Maybe I’ll watch it on HBO in six months.