The Steff
I went to the dentist yesterday afternoon. Probably not the smartest thing to do considering my state of mind. So he drilled and yanked and cleaned… and when all was said and done I lost a rear upper right molar I had expected to be able to keep. I was not happy… and I was in a whole lot of pain. I went home, took the Vicodin script, and woke up at 5:00am in scorching pain. So I took another Vicodin… and I did the unimagenable… I called in sick for work.
See… I’m a workaholic through and through. I possibly might take two sick days the entire year… and even that would be a lot. But today… I called in sick. I spent the entire day in bed either asleep or groggily watching some tv. I know I watched Love Actually on not only MAX, but MAX West as well (with DirecTV you get both).
Sometime during the day I had enough mindset to check my messages… and The Steff had called me last night while I was comatose. I was going to call her back… but let’s face it, I was in a deep depression and didn’t feel like talking. She called again at around 6:00 tonight… and left me another voice message. The message beep roused me up and this time, I did call her back… she sounded sad and worried… and there was just something in her voice that haunted me into action.
So for thirty minutes we talked… mostly about her shopping, her mom, and her copper love interests. She did ask me twice if I was alright… of course I told her yes, I was fine although I know I’m not. After she asked the second time I then asked her if I had ever lied to her… and she said the sweetest thing… she said “No… only when I ask you about you.” I know… it doesn’t seem so sweet or flattering… she called me a liar… but I laughed… she knew me too well.
Then after another ten minutes… in her own sweet way… she made me get up out of the bed and go to Starbucks with her. Well… we didn’t intend on Starbucks, because I HATE Starbucks… but we decided to go craft shopping at the new A.C. Moore… and Starbucks was on the corner… so we landed there by default. She had one of those vanilla caramel mocchiatos while I just had the apple cider. We sat in the big brown comfy chairs, and just talked. The topics were ranged from Christmas gifts, to her coppers, to her crazy sister, and the boots with the soft insides she got on sale. When all was said and done an hour later… her mom had made me chicken soup because she heard I wasn’t feeling well… and off she went to do whatever it is The Steff does… and I went to the gas station… feeling a helluva lot better than I had.
Granted… as usual… we talked mostly about her… but in the end, on the inside, I felt less alone. Am I still lonely? Hell yes. I would love to be able to go home to someone… to hold hands while watching television… and someone to put my arm over while I sleep… but I know that’s not realistic. But what The Steff gave me tonight was a warm smile, a hand squeeze, but most importantly a good laugh… even if it was at her expense. Yet another woman I love… and she knows it… because before I turned pages for you dear blog reader… I had turned pages for her… in fact it was last Christmas.
Maybe if I get a job in law enforcement she’ll lose the zeroes and get with the Sabine County Hero!!! Hell… I’m just happy to have her as a friend who can make me laugh… and all that cal my little droogies… all that cal.
See… I’m a workaholic through and through. I possibly might take two sick days the entire year… and even that would be a lot. But today… I called in sick. I spent the entire day in bed either asleep or groggily watching some tv. I know I watched Love Actually on not only MAX, but MAX West as well (with DirecTV you get both).
Sometime during the day I had enough mindset to check my messages… and The Steff had called me last night while I was comatose. I was going to call her back… but let’s face it, I was in a deep depression and didn’t feel like talking. She called again at around 6:00 tonight… and left me another voice message. The message beep roused me up and this time, I did call her back… she sounded sad and worried… and there was just something in her voice that haunted me into action.
So for thirty minutes we talked… mostly about her shopping, her mom, and her copper love interests. She did ask me twice if I was alright… of course I told her yes, I was fine although I know I’m not. After she asked the second time I then asked her if I had ever lied to her… and she said the sweetest thing… she said “No… only when I ask you about you.” I know… it doesn’t seem so sweet or flattering… she called me a liar… but I laughed… she knew me too well.
Then after another ten minutes… in her own sweet way… she made me get up out of the bed and go to Starbucks with her. Well… we didn’t intend on Starbucks, because I HATE Starbucks… but we decided to go craft shopping at the new A.C. Moore… and Starbucks was on the corner… so we landed there by default. She had one of those vanilla caramel mocchiatos while I just had the apple cider. We sat in the big brown comfy chairs, and just talked. The topics were ranged from Christmas gifts, to her coppers, to her crazy sister, and the boots with the soft insides she got on sale. When all was said and done an hour later… her mom had made me chicken soup because she heard I wasn’t feeling well… and off she went to do whatever it is The Steff does… and I went to the gas station… feeling a helluva lot better than I had.
Granted… as usual… we talked mostly about her… but in the end, on the inside, I felt less alone. Am I still lonely? Hell yes. I would love to be able to go home to someone… to hold hands while watching television… and someone to put my arm over while I sleep… but I know that’s not realistic. But what The Steff gave me tonight was a warm smile, a hand squeeze, but most importantly a good laugh… even if it was at her expense. Yet another woman I love… and she knows it… because before I turned pages for you dear blog reader… I had turned pages for her… in fact it was last Christmas.
Maybe if I get a job in law enforcement she’ll lose the zeroes and get with the Sabine County Hero!!! Hell… I’m just happy to have her as a friend who can make me laugh… and all that cal my little droogies… all that cal.
I AM NOT A MIDGET LOVER
Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate midgets. They don’t bother me at all. So… perhaps in my social life I have had more of a tendency towards those who are vertically challenged. But does this make me a midget lover??? I certainly don’t think so!!!
So this is what I have been accused of by my 5’10” LJ (Leggy Jamaican). This is why she says I’ll never date her… yet, we’ve been to bars, “made out”, and even went to dinner together where afterwards we held hands. Are these signs I wouldn’t date her??? Even now… right this second we sit 10 feet apart shooting IMs to each other about “midget loving” and “upward reformation”… and here’s the real killer… I ask her to dinner, she blows me off 75% of the time… I ask her to IHOP and get blown off 60% of the time… I ask her to go to Atlantic City and she blows me off so far 100% of the time. Now keep in mind, those are all times when she originally says yes but then something comes up… and then SHE has the nerve to complain about ME being a “midget lover” and not willing to date her. Mind games? Yes… perhaps they are… but they are relatively fun and do pass the time.
The thing is that eventually I’ll tire of the game… get pissed off because I’ve been pissed on… and move back to the vertically challenged. So although girls as tall or taller than me have been a no no… I’m willing to give this one the chance. Blondes are another big no never nunca for me… everytime I got into a relationship with a blonde it ended with me losing a big chunk of myself and if that ever happened again, I probably wouldn’t be here. Then of course there’s the whole religion thing… not being a church goer means anyone who has any sort of religious conviction is going to be hard pressed to go out with me… being the anti-organized religion fanatic I am. Am I picky? No, I don’t think so… but if I’m willing to change my preferences “upward” then why can’t she?
In other news, The Steff seems to be getting back together with Officer Crumb. Am I happy about this? No… not at all… even though it may mean the words I crafted worked and there may be a future for me in writing professional love letters for people. The new guy was nicer to her than Crumb ever was, and at least I got to threaten his life. This creepy little bastard… if he thinks he’s going to do the same thing… treat her like crap, and break her little heart for me to put her back together again… I’ll glue her back with the excess cement after sinking him into the bottom of the east river. Of course… the chances of me coming face to face with Crumb are slim to none unless I decide to make it happen independently. The Steff knows I won’t tolerate this kinda crap… and will undoubtedly try to shield him from me in every way possible. In happier news with The Steff though, she’s going for an interview at a hospital for a job. While I would like to be able to claim no hand in it… well I did rebuild her resume from the ground up, I did happen to write a smashing reference letter and I do happen to know the administrator at the hospital. So… trying to claim no influence is kinda pointless.
Finally… my writing… well… here’s where I’m writing. I really haven’t been able to do anything else… partly for lack of a place and partly for lack of a decent computer. So this is about all I’ve gotten done. I do have a few other things working… but they work really really slowly. But hey… slow isn’t necessarily bad… look at the world’s best barbecue… over 30 hours to cook a rack of ribs!
And all that cal my little droogies… all that cal…
Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate midgets. They don’t bother me at all. So… perhaps in my social life I have had more of a tendency towards those who are vertically challenged. But does this make me a midget lover??? I certainly don’t think so!!!
So this is what I have been accused of by my 5’10” LJ (Leggy Jamaican). This is why she says I’ll never date her… yet, we’ve been to bars, “made out”, and even went to dinner together where afterwards we held hands. Are these signs I wouldn’t date her??? Even now… right this second we sit 10 feet apart shooting IMs to each other about “midget loving” and “upward reformation”… and here’s the real killer… I ask her to dinner, she blows me off 75% of the time… I ask her to IHOP and get blown off 60% of the time… I ask her to go to Atlantic City and she blows me off so far 100% of the time. Now keep in mind, those are all times when she originally says yes but then something comes up… and then SHE has the nerve to complain about ME being a “midget lover” and not willing to date her. Mind games? Yes… perhaps they are… but they are relatively fun and do pass the time.
The thing is that eventually I’ll tire of the game… get pissed off because I’ve been pissed on… and move back to the vertically challenged. So although girls as tall or taller than me have been a no no… I’m willing to give this one the chance. Blondes are another big no never nunca for me… everytime I got into a relationship with a blonde it ended with me losing a big chunk of myself and if that ever happened again, I probably wouldn’t be here. Then of course there’s the whole religion thing… not being a church goer means anyone who has any sort of religious conviction is going to be hard pressed to go out with me… being the anti-organized religion fanatic I am. Am I picky? No, I don’t think so… but if I’m willing to change my preferences “upward” then why can’t she?
In other news, The Steff seems to be getting back together with Officer Crumb. Am I happy about this? No… not at all… even though it may mean the words I crafted worked and there may be a future for me in writing professional love letters for people. The new guy was nicer to her than Crumb ever was, and at least I got to threaten his life. This creepy little bastard… if he thinks he’s going to do the same thing… treat her like crap, and break her little heart for me to put her back together again… I’ll glue her back with the excess cement after sinking him into the bottom of the east river. Of course… the chances of me coming face to face with Crumb are slim to none unless I decide to make it happen independently. The Steff knows I won’t tolerate this kinda crap… and will undoubtedly try to shield him from me in every way possible. In happier news with The Steff though, she’s going for an interview at a hospital for a job. While I would like to be able to claim no hand in it… well I did rebuild her resume from the ground up, I did happen to write a smashing reference letter and I do happen to know the administrator at the hospital. So… trying to claim no influence is kinda pointless.
Finally… my writing… well… here’s where I’m writing. I really haven’t been able to do anything else… partly for lack of a place and partly for lack of a decent computer. So this is about all I’ve gotten done. I do have a few other things working… but they work really really slowly. But hey… slow isn’t necessarily bad… look at the world’s best barbecue… over 30 hours to cook a rack of ribs!
And all that cal my little droogies… all that cal…
Just another brick in the wall…
What a week. Besides the massacre performed on my mouth by my dentist Tuesday which has kept me down for a few days… there have been a few other ups and downs.
First… I’ve been entertaining the Steff’s happiness with the new guy… and her depression about everything else. The only cool thing is that she has me give her wake up calls in the morning… so I get to start my day off on a good note… talking to the Steff is always good… at least for me.
Second… work is a mountain of highs and lows. I no longer look long term… but handle things in the form of the short term crisis that occur… and I can’t do anything but go with the flow. My problem is serenity does not exist for me on the things I cannot change… I want to change them all. Inner peace is lacking… and will probably continue to be scarce.
Then of course there is Chris… my one true love… the one who will never be for reasons that are mostly mine rather than hers (and for the same reasons why I’ll never end up with any of them… and why my ex divorced me)… and the fact that after spending an hour sobbing to me last Friday… now I can’t find her.
I hate when people disappear. I should GPS all of them… simply because I know subconsciously that all of them… in one way or another… are bricks in my wall.
And so… when I see stuff and deal with stuff… I have to keep it in… because I’m a page turner and not a talker… and I wonder when this wall will come tumbling down so I can turn the pages again…
Hopefully this is helping…
What a week. Besides the massacre performed on my mouth by my dentist Tuesday which has kept me down for a few days… there have been a few other ups and downs.
First… I’ve been entertaining the Steff’s happiness with the new guy… and her depression about everything else. The only cool thing is that she has me give her wake up calls in the morning… so I get to start my day off on a good note… talking to the Steff is always good… at least for me.
Second… work is a mountain of highs and lows. I no longer look long term… but handle things in the form of the short term crisis that occur… and I can’t do anything but go with the flow. My problem is serenity does not exist for me on the things I cannot change… I want to change them all. Inner peace is lacking… and will probably continue to be scarce.
Then of course there is Chris… my one true love… the one who will never be for reasons that are mostly mine rather than hers (and for the same reasons why I’ll never end up with any of them… and why my ex divorced me)… and the fact that after spending an hour sobbing to me last Friday… now I can’t find her.
I hate when people disappear. I should GPS all of them… simply because I know subconsciously that all of them… in one way or another… are bricks in my wall.
And so… when I see stuff and deal with stuff… I have to keep it in… because I’m a page turner and not a talker… and I wonder when this wall will come tumbling down so I can turn the pages again…
Hopefully this is helping…
So I’ve had a relatively non-eventful yet very interesting weekend.
My friend with the boyfriend troubles lost her job Friday. Ok… its more than that… she works where I work… and in fact I was her boss up until about two months ago. After returning from my work in the deep south, I have a new role and someone else has taken my place… so she had a new boss.
Now because she’s my friend… there was also that workplace jealousy/hatred of her… which I suppose was fair enough too since I do have strong feelings for her and care for her deeply. Was this unfair targeting? I certainly feel so. On the other hand… she really doesn’t care about it… and it seemed I was more upset about her being fired than she was.
So Saturday she calls me at noon… which if you know her is VERY odd. She’s a late sleeper. Sure enough… her boyfriend who she has been fighting with had called her up and told her all about how he spent the night with another girl. This flipped her out… over the edge… and she was crying hysterically. So… while I had been supportive of her attempts to regain her relationship… going so far as to assist her in trying to romance this LOSER back… I had to tell her enough was enough… and that as bad as it may seem… tomorrow’s a new day… and so we talked four more times that day… I even met her in Mandees where she was shopping with a friend to drop her off some medicine I had left over.
So Sunday she calls me… chipper and happy and has great news she needs to tell me in person. So she comes over, and it turns out she met a guy the night before… blah blah blah. So we go out to dinner where she just prattles on and on and on. During dinner… “HE” calls. Needless to say, we went our separate ways… she went to hang out with him… and I cruised the streets of the Hills looking for some action with my boy KC. It was pretty uneventful… a drunk on probation from Connecticut and a 14 year old flipping from failing chemistry. Go figure.
So I expect to hear how wonderful this new guy is… so one and so forth… and why is this somewhat important? Because I need to break this damn block… and I think a big part of it are my feelings for her. See… even here, I write about her… all I can ever write are things to her… she haunts me worse than the rest and it is definitely affecting me.
Well… I’ve always told her the most important thing to me was her happiness… and hopefully with this new guy she can find that… and tomorrow is a new day… hopefully for me too…
My friend with the boyfriend troubles lost her job Friday. Ok… its more than that… she works where I work… and in fact I was her boss up until about two months ago. After returning from my work in the deep south, I have a new role and someone else has taken my place… so she had a new boss.
Now because she’s my friend… there was also that workplace jealousy/hatred of her… which I suppose was fair enough too since I do have strong feelings for her and care for her deeply. Was this unfair targeting? I certainly feel so. On the other hand… she really doesn’t care about it… and it seemed I was more upset about her being fired than she was.
So Saturday she calls me at noon… which if you know her is VERY odd. She’s a late sleeper. Sure enough… her boyfriend who she has been fighting with had called her up and told her all about how he spent the night with another girl. This flipped her out… over the edge… and she was crying hysterically. So… while I had been supportive of her attempts to regain her relationship… going so far as to assist her in trying to romance this LOSER back… I had to tell her enough was enough… and that as bad as it may seem… tomorrow’s a new day… and so we talked four more times that day… I even met her in Mandees where she was shopping with a friend to drop her off some medicine I had left over.
So Sunday she calls me… chipper and happy and has great news she needs to tell me in person. So she comes over, and it turns out she met a guy the night before… blah blah blah. So we go out to dinner where she just prattles on and on and on. During dinner… “HE” calls. Needless to say, we went our separate ways… she went to hang out with him… and I cruised the streets of the Hills looking for some action with my boy KC. It was pretty uneventful… a drunk on probation from Connecticut and a 14 year old flipping from failing chemistry. Go figure.
So I expect to hear how wonderful this new guy is… so one and so forth… and why is this somewhat important? Because I need to break this damn block… and I think a big part of it are my feelings for her. See… even here, I write about her… all I can ever write are things to her… she haunts me worse than the rest and it is definitely affecting me.
Well… I’ve always told her the most important thing to me was her happiness… and hopefully with this new guy she can find that… and tomorrow is a new day… hopefully for me too…
The Steff…Just A Brick In My Wall
