So it turns out that Phil is in a bit of a bind.  He is looking for places to do his Post Doctorate work before needing to get a real job.  One of the options he has laid out is none other than New York City… which just so happens to be my hometown.  So now I need to make a case for my city for someone who wants to slowly insinuate himself into the world with that brand new PHD at the end of his name.

Clocks.  Sure everyone always talks about the world’s most famous clock being Big Ben… and granted he’s a big one.  Still, we have clocks too.  Clocks of all kinds… digital, analog, non-traditional numeric set-up, and of course we have big face clocks like this one that is in SoHo.  The thing about clocks in New York is that they have a special setting known as “New York Minute”.  Yes… we have an increment of time named after us.  Whereas in a normal day there are 1,440 minutes in a day… here in New York we have 2,880 minutes.  We are a city so big and moving so fast that the Laws of Time and Space do not exist here.  What exists is the Laws of Crack Smoking and Caffeine which speeds everything up.  Therefore we are able to cram much more into a day as a normal human being… which includes both more time for drinking, womanizing, and of course studying.  If by some chance you actually think you’d end up spending your newfound time studying or grading papers… well right there is the Law of Crack Smoking in action.  Before you get a job in the “real world”… you need to live a “real life”… and we give you the time to do it… and plenty of undergrads who will do your work for you at the right price (usually a six pack of beer or two… the cheap stuff).

We are a diverse city.  We have representation from pretty much every nation on the planet INCLUDING Antarctica ( I have been assured that the penguins in the Central Park Zoo count towards that nation number) which very few cities can compete with.  In fact, we are so diverse, we also have people from other galaxies living within our fine borders ( I have been assured that the movie Men In Black is actually a bio-pic under a fictional guise to fund the Alien Defense Fund ) who contribute to our sense of inter-stellarality.  Of course, having so many people from so many different origins, we need to be able to deliver the news from around the universe.  We do it quite well out of this little shop.  Now granted, a PHD like yourself would probably want home delivery… but there’s something nice about going out and being able to pick-up the latest editions of People, Time, Mathematicians Monthly, TV Guide, and a Fleshlight all at the same time in a one stop shop experience.  The shady looking guy walking in?  That’s Eduardo.  He’s just there for the sex toys in the back because he is illiterate.  Don’t pay attention to him… and whatever you do… DO NOT make eye contact.  I can’t be held responsible if you do.  Like I said… he’s illiterate… and PHD doesn’t mean anything to him.

But hey… let’s face it… news is depressing shit.  Who wants to read it?  Although it is masochistic behaviour to do so… well there is a remedy once you are done.  That remedy is of course to go drinking.  Now unless I am wrong… both of the competing cities are in country’s that are led by a Queen, right?  Have you ever wondered why?  Well the answer is right here… because we, dear Phil, have the King’s Head.  Yep.  We got crown… and as foamy as it may be now… we won’t be giving it up.  If you though time was flying already… well you obviously haven’t seen anything yet… because once your into one of our watering holes then time suddenly vanishes.  *POOF*.  Isn’t that a nifty trick!  One minute its Friday night… the next minute its Monday morning.  That’s a sure fire way to kill some time and make things move a little faster… although it can also make it a bit blurrier.  Best part of it all?  These types of places are all over the city.  Literally.

Of course the one thing no one counts on when coming out of one of our finer drinking establishments is the hunger factor.  Other cities will off you “New York Style Pizza” or “New York Bagels” but I hate to tell you… they aren’t from New York.  When you finally get rolled out of the bar and into the gutter there’s only one place to go for both quick sobriety and to quell the hunger pains from your belly that have been going on for the last week, which was when you started your liquid diet at the tavern, and that place is the local bagelry.  Now I have to be honest… I am partial to Murray’s Bagels because he is right next door to a Jamba Juice that regularly gives out free samples… but there are plenty of bagelry stores to get from.  Nothing says, “I got more than a buzz and I have a final in 2 hours,” than a nice onion bagel that has come fresh from the oven and smothered with lox… I assure you.

However there is one thing that you will need for your post Doctorate work more than anything else.  No, I’m not talking about a stethoscope.  No, I’m not talking about that new scientific calculator that you can use with your mind.  I am talking about this little molecular gem right here… caffeine.  Yes Phil, we here in the city that never sleeps will be able to provide you copious amounts of this little wonder.  With enough of it your New York Minutes will turn into New York Weeks.  You’ll discover the joys of the sunrise over a crisp and relatively empty city street… and it will get you through the traumatic stampede of the herd of humans at sunset.  Caffeine will be your friend through thick and thin.  It is a huge part of the city.  It plays a bigger part in academic achievement here… and the school you are looking at knows this.

Which is why they were wise enough to put a Dunkin’ Donuts into the school’s food gallery.  Yes… that’s right Phil… your school has its own in house Dunkin’ Donuts.  If it hasn’t been obvious how the Laws of Crack Smoking and Caffeine dominate the region, nay, the very culture of the city… then it should be obvious now.  The truth is that they say, “If you can make it there… you can make it anywhere.” What they really mean to say is, “If you can drink enough caffeine there without your heart bursting out of your chest, then you can drink caffeine anywhere and dominate.” Coffee is of course not your only recourse.  You can get a Coolatta on the hot days… a Milky Way hot chocolate on the cold days… and caffeinated tea of your choice every single day of the week!  How much cooler does it get then that?  It doesn’t.  In fact… if anything… it’s only about to get hotter here.

Now dear Phil… if those aren’t good enough reasons… I have one final attempt to convince you to come here with the shiny PHD behind your name.  I know your all about spooning with cats… but I have to be honest… in the city things get hot… and when they get hot they burn… and I assure you we have the best firefighters than any other city in the world…

Yes folks, that time is once again upon us.  It is time to decide which Vermont Teddy Bear will be making its new home with The Steff this year for Valentine’s Day.  As you should all know, it is tradition that she gets a Vermont Teddy Bear for her birthday as well as for Valentine’s Day.  Because of the huge success with the voting that went on for the Birthday Bear… well we’re going to do it again.  So here’s the run down:

The Past

2005 - I sent her the first bear in 2005, and he was the Gangster of Love.  I thought he was a good choice… suave yet he had some thug in him… and everyone needs a little thug in their life, right?  Okay, I’m pretty sure he was the second choice because I think this was the year they had the bear in a strait jacket known as the Crazy For You Bear, but they sold out QUICK on that one.  I even called and begged one of their Bear Counselors… but to no avail.

2006 - The second bear I sent to her was the Love Bandit Bear.  At the time I thought he was a good choice… but then her mom started using him for Halloween because of the mask.  Eh, whatever.

2007 - Last year I sent the Papi Chulo bear.  Nothing like having a little spice to your life by way of a Papi.  Of course… he was a little irksome because even though he was ordered through Vermont Teddy Bears (because let’s face it folks… there is NO other bear out there like them) it appeared that he actually came from New Jersey!

Rules

The rules of this tradition are really simple.  The Steff gets a female Vermont Teddy Bear for her birthday and a male Vermont Teddy Bear for Valentine’s Day.  She does not get the same bear twice (duh).  She gets it ON the actual day.  I’m going to give you three choices to pick from and you vote by leaving it in a comment. You CAN write in a different bear from their Valentine Collection… but be careful.  The last person who tried to break from the provided selection got it herself… and she will attest that I don’t care about the drama it may cause.

Ordering through Vermont Teddy Bears so that it actually arrives on February 14 means I have to order by 5:00pm February 12, but not before February 12 because then he would arrive early.  I pick the two day shipping, and unfortunately the only way to time delivery with them is to do it manually since the don’t offer an “arrive on date” service like 1-800-FLOWERS.  So all votes must be in by February 11th, 2008 at 12:01am.

2008 Choices

1 - Mr. Right Bear is well dressed, groomed, suave, debonair.  He is everything that The Steff‘s fiance’, The Donkey, is not.  She will undoubtedly need this bear at some point in her life.

2 - Bee My Honey Bear was my first choice simply because it correlates to the Cereal Wednesday episode that she was my special guest for… when she dressed up as The Queen Bee.  My only fear… her mom will end up using this one too as a decoration for Halloween.  Again.

3 - Prince Charming Bear is the new bear this year… and I hope he doesn’t sell out like the Crazy For You Bear.  Take a good look at him.  Let’s face it… he’s a hawty… AND he’s a Prince.  The Donkey can’t beat that.

So tell me what you guys think… who should be The Steff’s 2008 Valentine Bear???

…And the afflicted thou wilt save…
- 2 Samuel 22:28

Things are afoot at the Circle K my friends… things are afoot.

Hesitation and contemplation are not my strongest traits when things go squirrelly.  I’ve never hesitated to smash headfirst though a moshpit crowd for the unconscious in the middle of it.  I’ve never hesitated to crawl through glass into the open window of the overturned car.  I’ve never hesitated to accidentally open a locked door when tying my shoelace because the person on the other side was unable to do so.  I’ve never hesitated to push the laws of physics on bending turns in top heavy trucks when the distance is greater than it should be if the city would only invest in a real CAD system.  More importantly, I’ve never hesitated to offer assistance whether it was needed… or not… in all walks of life.

Until now.

My lack of movement is really of my own doing because in posting the Alligator River Story this comment from Miss Britt, “What’s interesting about all of this is that in a less than ideal situation, you often have to choose which value means the most to you- to prioritize”, has given me pause to where exactly my priorities are since the situation is the furthest thing from ideal than is imaginable.

The fact is, the situation would not be occurring had people listened to me.  I am sought out on a daily basis for advice and counsel from a variety of people.  Today alone I received two phone calls and an e-mail for industry advice from people in 3 different states.  I offered my advice based on past business practices and cite a number of references as well as play the “what if” scenario and how options will disappear and be replaced by sometimes less appealing alternatives.  Offering advice is not foreign to me, it has become part of the job.

My friends also ask for advice or my opinion on matters at hand.  For them I do the same thing, offer my advice on my past personal experiences and cite a number of examples before playing the “what if” scenarios.  I will admit, that recently when I did this at no time did I play the “What if you purposely lie about where your going, get followed, and caught with another guy?” because my underlying advice has always been to “be honest.” Am I accountable for those who ask for advice but then fail to listen to it?  Am I accountable for the fact that my piece of advice to the “other” person in this was, “Let her go,” but they did not adhere to it either?

So things are afoot… and while I have not been contacted directly about it… the events were purposely made known to me.  Whereas previously I would have immediately picked up the phone to try and heal whatever damage had been done… because ultimately I do feel accountable for it even though others would not view me as accountable… instead I have paused.  I have waited for my phone to ring, but it hasn’t, so I am stuck in a place I am unaccustomed to.  I have become what I despise the most.  I am Ivan.

While some people insist I look for and instigate drama, and others yet will insist I cannot save the world… I believe in neither hypothesis but prefer to maintain my faith that the drama finds me and all I need to do is to save the cheerleader.  If it worked for Hiro, it should work for me too, right?

But in the end the cheerleader will need to want to be saved… and maybe for once listen to what I have to say and then maybe even do it.

P.S.

MySpace is the fucking devil, k?