Motion Pictures
So last night was the series finale of ER. I have always had a special place in my heart for ER, since it premiered at the same time I was in EMT school. Back then, Thursday nights would be spent in the basement at my mom’s house with a bunch of my friends as we watched the weekly exploits of Mark Greene, Doug Ross, Susan Lewis, Peter Benton and John Carter. Sure the patients and their ailments were interesting, but it was really the doctors who were the center of the story.
To say that I watched it with a critical eye would be an understatement. Everytime you’d see the doctors rushing to the ambulance bay or walking with the ambulance crew while getting the “bullet” (the brief rundown given on the patient) I would yell, “That NEVER happens!” Because it honestly doesn’t… unless there is a Hazmat Mass Casualty Incident with decon set up outside the ER. That is a VERY rare occurrence.
Still, ER portrayed alot of the internal struggles that occur accurately. Whether it be a budget dilemna, a lawsuit from a patient’s family, or the emotional toll experienced by the daily battle with illness and death, ER was at times too accurate. Then of course once they started to focus on the characters more OUTSIDE of the ER with nothing to do with the ER, they lost me as a regular viewer. Most notable was Luka Kovac and John Carter going to Africa and Neela Rasgotra‘s absolute sluttery across the seasons. However last night, it was back to basics and the show brought itself around full circle in a number of ways. I’m not going to say what happens because I don’t want to be accused of spoilery again… but it left me more satisfied than the series finale of BSG.
So now it’s over… except for syndication on TBS or through the power of DVD. The question become what will replace it? Sure SouthLand looks to be taking the time slot, but what show will accurately portray Emergency Medicine on television? Hopefully someone will step up with a show that can get the (endotracheal)tube…
I have 3 uber-long posts in draft right now… and hopefully I’ll be able to finish one for tomorrow. Today I have named my post after the Cylon in The Lost Warrior from the original BattleStar Galactica series.
• The series finale for the most recent Battlestar Galactica series… ultimately was really kinda lame. Explaining Starbuck away as an angel was lame. Having them find Earth with similar continent layouts to our own planet was lame (mostly because it was the easy way out). The fast forward to present day part, REALLY lame. I did love the attack on The Colony, Galen killing Tory in a fit of rage during their cylon mind meld, and Baltar‘s redemption. Overall… I give it a solid Meh.
• Heroes last night finally revealed what 90% of us knew all along… that Micah was Rebel. Whoop dee fucking doo. I really wanted something a little bit better… but at least the action this season has picked up.
• I’ve decided I’m not into either Dollhouse or The Sarah Connor Chronicles this season. They just aren’t swaying me… although the new Terminator movie trailer looks insane.
• I’m totally for The History Channel’s Ax Men… that show is fucking great!!!
• I can’t wait for tonight’s Biggest Loser. That chick Kristin has become this season’s manipulative whiney Heba from last season. I want her off. I want her off and I will eat an entire bag of OREOs if they don’t vote her off!!! (okay… I’m eating the bag anyway… but you get the meaning…)
I’m a pretty big fan of cinema. I’m usually game for anything from Sci-fi to Fantasy to Documentaries. My two big pitfalls are foreign language films and films that are subtitled. It wasn’t always that way of course… mainly because as I grew up my tastes changed. When I was younger I was more into the pop Sci-fi and the Horror genres. As a kid, like most my age, I always looked forward to slasher/horror movies like Friday The 13th for one reason.
Titties.
Yes folks… the BIG reason to truly watch those movies are for hot little scream queens baring their breasts in 1-3 second bursts of premium grade A celluloid. However as a grown man the allure of that flash no longer holds sway over me as it once did. Hell, I had a subscription to Playboy which was cheaper than the price of a movie ticket!
So here are 13 reasons why I’m NOT going to see Friday The 13th 2009 “Reboot”:
• It’s directed by Marcus Nispel who’s last movie was the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre in 2003. 6 years between movies??? Obviously he isn’t that highly sought after.
• Derek Mears was cast to play the slasher has a bunch of stuff to his credit… but no performance really stands out.
• Jared Padaleck who was cast as the male lead might also star in Supernatural but other than that… he was in the Gilmore Girls. ‘Nuff said.
• Amanda Righetti who was cast as the lead already appeared in FHM Magazine. She was ranked #59 in 2005 and #84 in 2006 in their list of The 100 Hottest Women. Continuing that downward trend she would rank as #159 today.
• This movie looks to take the first four movies of the franchise and roll them into one… so it’s practically guaranteed to be half shit.
• They’re going to try and explain a 1980’s hockey mask in a timeframe when goalies wear helmets. Not culturally accurate since they are not making it a period piece.
• Crystal Lake remains as generic as they come. Cabins, trees, and cobwebs. Maybe if they threw in a Pit of Carkoon and a Sarlaac I’d be more intrigued.
• Jason has already been to New York and there is no better city so anywhere else is just blah.
• Jason has already been to space and there is no better frontier so anywhere else, especially earth, is just blah.
• Jason has already been to hell and faced Freddy Krueger… so it isn’t like these people stand a chance to begin with.
• Jason should be a killing machine and this movie is looking to show more of his “human” side. Who the fuck cares.
• Pretty much all the reviews, particularly from friends who saw previews (with one exception), say it’s the same old shit… just a different bucket of popcorn and a very unsatisfying aftertaste.
• No real interesting titty allure like the chick with the 36M&M breasts.
So needless to say… I’m not going to see it. Maybe I’ll watch it on HBO in six months.
Over the weekend Poppy and I went and saw the new James Bond flick, Quantum of Solace. It made $70 million opening weekend, which is a pretty huge take this time of year. Therefore logic would tell you that it is an awesome movie. Now you may call me illogical, but I think it was a steaming pile of crap.
Casino Royale was SUCH a great movie that I truly felt this would follow its lead. It doesn’t. Sure it starts off with a decent action packed sequence with Bond‘s Astor Martin getting riddled with bullet holes. Of course there are exciting chase scenes across rooftops and dangling hand to hand combat on scaffolding in the vein of Casino Royale. Of course there was the typical Bond girl, Gemma Arterton as Strawberry Fields. Of course there are hurdles that Bond must overcome, such as M rescinding all his credit cards and passports. Of course there is a mystery to be solved… and what exactly that is still remains a mystery which is part of the problem.
After the opening sequence you don’t see another Astor Martin again… I guess they didn’t pony up for product placement. We already saw scaffold fighting in Casino Royale where the choreography and cinematography was much better. The typical Bond girl was joined by the atypical Bond girl, Olga Kurylenko as Camille, who seemed to be shedding her outer skin on her back like a snake for the better part of the movie… which you have to conclude on your own is from a fire that killed her entire family but her and hence her blood vendetta against the typical Bond disposable dictator. There was also something about oil and water and ecological impacts… which really I think was the main plot but got relegated to a sub-plot by the “discovery” of a group known as Quantum and the need of uncovering this “organization we know nothing about”.
I really had this dreadful Lord of the Rings feeling watching this movie. I don’t think Pierce Brosnan’s Bond walked the distances over his entire career as much as Daniel Craig’s Bond did in this one movie. It was a movie about walking… through a desert… because people want oil… but it’s really water… and we need to build hotels in deserts with explosive fuel cells because that’s how rich our country is. Blah blah fucking blah.
The girls? Well Strawberry Fields was a severe waste of time because there was zero investment in her character development… and really all they wanted to do was dip her in some dark chocolate, call it oil, lay her on a bed, and make her act dead. Huge waste of killer legs in a killer skirt wearing killer boots. I don’t even consider Camille a Bond girl. She’s one of those badly developed raging stereotypes who witnesses the rape of their family and their execution by arson, but lives through it all to miraculously become a Secret Service Agent for their own country while still harboring a blood vendetta… and amazingly not once does she curse in Spanish being a native of a South American country. Yeah… real realistic. A real Latina would curse at you for bringing home vegetable oil instead of motor oil… so I tend to think they would be a little more intense if you doused their family in kerosene and lit the match.
The gadgets? Well… oh wait. There were none. With the exception of Microsoft style table computers… there are no gadgets. In fact, there are no gadgets and I don’t even remember seeing Q there. Maybe he was… relegated to a corner or something as the entire Bond 007 mythos seems to have been.
As for this group Quantum… well that remains to be seen I guess. They may be looking to extend this storyline into future movies… which I seriously suggest they hurry it up. If this was a television show, you’d be on the list of shows to replace… but this isn’t a television show. This is James “Double-Oh Mother Fucking Seven” Bond.
Either do it right… or don’t bother doing it.
So as I mentioned in a previous post, we went to go see Zack And Miri Make A Porno this past weekend while in Altamonte, Florida. Considering all the hoopla and hullabaloo surrounding the content of the film, the original poster of the film, and the use of the word PORNO in the title… as Scott Mosier pointed out on this week’s SModCast, “It’s not like it’s called Zack And Miri Make A Snuff Film!” Mosier is possibly the only Canadian I will agree with whole heartedly, with the possible exception of Mike, on the ridiculous nature and uber sensitivity of the citizens of the United States. Seriously people… where was the outcry for Silent Night, Deadly Night where Santa Claus hacked the bejeebus out of Cabbage Patch Kid expecting children! But I’m not here to debate the validity of conservative fears in this country… that’s what other blogs are for.
I am here to talk about how Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks got their romp on in a non Apatow produced flick. Not only did they get their romp on with timely delivery, great physical presence, and a chemistry that may lead to a screen explosion once released on DVD… but once again Kevin Smith enabled moviegoers to identify with them instantly through the power of economic crisis. Smith‘s genius did not end there my friends… oh no.
The story of platonic best friends Zack and Miri falling into a financial crisis that sees them go from bad (water and electricity turned off) to worse (non functioning furnace due to ceased utilities leads to burning cans in the living room for heat) and enduring it the best way they know how… to become entrepreneurs and make some serious money. Unlike other people who have done the exact same thing with creating a product or service, they instead decide to go the entertainment route and make a pornographic film for distribution on DVD.
As a nod (intended or not) to Steve Jobs and the support Apple had for the failed Say No To Prop 8 Campaign, Smith has Justin Long of the Apple commercials (he’s the Mac) playing an openly gay porn star who’s lover is in the closet. Long delivers such low energy high passion and suave performance, that its hard to believe he is more famous for the commercials than even his role as second fiddle to Bruce Willis in Die Hard 4… where of course he seeks the advice from the “Cyber-Jedi” played by Smith himself.
In a twist of irony for fans of the Smithaverse, Jeff Anderson goes from being video store clerk Randall to videographer Deacon. Anderson‘s transformation to a sub-role is seamless, although there is an ode to his love for hockey as he and Seth Rogen play on the same hockey team… The Monroeville Zombies. Gee… I wonder where I’ve seen that jersey before???
The cast is further enhanced by veteran porn stars Tracy Lord and Katie Morgan. The fact these two pros were on hand lends a certain level of credibility to Smith‘s envisioning… and also gives them some credibility as real actresses. Especially Katie Morgan who shined through the celluloid (or digital hard drive) with all her clothes on.
Of course, no Smith flick is complete without Jason Mewes. Playing “hung like a horse” Lester, not only does Mewes deliver on his usual high energy antics, a professional looking bang from behind session with Katie Morgan, but he actually is able to deliver heartfelt deep lines while standing naked in front of Seth Rogen before explaining in detail the mechanics behind a Dutch Rudder. I’ll admit it… I’m a Mewesaniac… so unless he stars in another crap flick with Paris Hilton, he can do no wrong to my eyes.
The movie calls into question the validity of truly platonic relationships between a man and a woman, shows that sex and making love are two different things (or at least different soundtracks), and speaks volumes about the the sheer desperation that a personal economic crisis can place a person. Most importantly though, it highlights the importance of clear communication in any relationship… and puts a spotlight on the inability of males in general to do so. Smith delivers a movie worthy to have its name plastered on billboards and bus stops across the country.
Ultimately this movie killed… which makes me wonder if it isn’t a snuff film after all.
Now if only we could get rid of Jersey Girl… all would be golden in the Smithaverse.
