Personal

Life.

A condition that distinguishes active organisms from inorganic matter. The science of biology is the study of these active organisms through their stages of growth. With names like osmosis and homeostasis, biology is able to define the growth process of the physical and organic matter.

Yet, there is more to life than just the generation, replication, and growth of cells. Life is also about ourselves in our collective humanity, how our experiences shape our personalities, and how our growth is affected by those who surround us. The study of philosophy purports to provide scientific answers to this aspect of life, and where it fails then there is theology that is ready to step in.

The one question that there is no definitive answer for is what is the meaning of life?

And if we don’t know the meaning of life, that also means we lack the answer to the meaning of death.

Today is the 3 year mark when my life was drastically changed.

1,096 days have passed since DJ crossed over and out of our lives. In the grand scheme of things, it may not seem like a terribly long time… yet it can sometime feel like an eternity. The proportion of time that has passed often becomes shrouded in a haze. Some days I wake up, look at his photo on the wall, and feel like decades have passed. Then there are some mornings when it all seems like a dream, and the harsh reality runs over me like a freight train all over again. It’s part of the process… trying to determine what meaning life still has for me without him in it or what meaning death might have always held for me considering that it has taken him from me.

Is there a greater meaning to any of it? As a parent, the meaning of life becomes slightly clearer and more focused on the well being of your child. While success at that is up to subjective interpretation, there are definite indicators that can guide you along the way.

Like smiles.

Like laughter.

Like kisses.

Like hugs.

But what happens when it ends. What happens when you no longer have those indicators in your life and are forced to look back in your mind’s eye for those? While it’s true that summer camp, college, and eventually married life can separate you from your child there is still the return of those little things. Death is a more permanent separation. I do have to hold some belief that death is not necessarily the definitive end of life. For that matter, the existence of my very job would dictate that under the right circumstances the science of biology can overpower all.

For 13 minutes DJ had a spontaneous return of circulation in the emergency room. He was intubated, on a ventilator, with IV lines running medicine into his veins meant to both aid in the chemical jump start of his heart and to try and regulate it once that happened.

For those 13 minutes that his heart beat on its own, I was in traffic trying to get through summertime rush hour traffic across state lines.

The biological medicine, that I had dedicated 12 years of my life to practicing, wasn’t enough.

I think about those 13 minutes alot. I wonder if it would have made a difference if I had been there. If he would have known that I was there, or if it would have helped to know that I was doing everything I could to be there… which was being a hyper ventilating hysterical mess in the passenger seat while my partner drove.

I wish there would have been something I could have done that would make a difference… but there wasn’t.

So I continue to do the next best thing… try to make a positive difference in the lives of people who either don’t have someone or can’t do something for themselves. There are plenty of days when I feel like I am living the life of a clown… happy and laid back on the outside while deep down inside I am twisted and deeply sad… but I go on. You may ask yourself why?

Because there has to be some sort of meaning to life other than the biological books tell you that I hope will still be revealed to me.

Because whatever meaning there is that death once held for me has disappeared and ultimately I will not allow it to rule my life as it once may have.

Because the smiles (and purrs) are worth those bad mornings.

Because the laughter is worth the waves of sadness.

Because the kisses are worth the second guessing.

Because the hugs are worth the moments of gut wrenching guilt for failure.

And in the end… if there really is no deeper meaning to any of it… if it is all done for no reason other than for something to do… there will always be the memories… and they are worth it all.

This year Dan has once again organized a fund raising walk for The Joseph Salmon Trust, a charity that is doing important work by offering financial support for those who have lost a child. I think the work this charity does is phenomenal, because not everyone has a loving family and the support of the Blogger community as I did. Poppy and I had planned on joining this pilgrimage with a cause, but due to unforseen circumstances we’ll only be able to support the walk from this side of the pond.

You can donate directly to the trust via their Just Giving Page, you can make a donation in DJ‘s name via this page, or you can just help spread the word about the Trust’s mission.

Anything you can do is a help.

Thanks.

Movies were a big part of life with DJ. When he was an infant Pudding and I would bring him to the matinee showings of the latest releases, and with a pair of ear muffs on he’d snuggle in his carrier to watch or sleep through the latest action packed movie. Going to the movies in Pennsylvania was a big deal, because we did it very rarely. Finally, the fact a movie theater opened up across the street made the winter weekends fly by with buckets of popcorn, Twizzlers with nacho cheese, and over sized sodas he would use both hands to pick up as we were sucked out of a seemingly mundane existence and into fantastical new worlds.

DJ was a big fan of Shrek, along with Monsters Inc., Spider-Man, and Hellboy. He, like his father, was also a huge Star Wars fan and it was not uncommon to watch Attack of the Clones on television before going to see Revenge of the Sith… which we saw in theaters a whopping 5 times.

Today is the release of the fourth Shrek movie. I’m not going to be seeing it.

Probably not ever.

I prefer to think that the last one DJ saw, Shrek the Third, was the last one. Otherwise it causes a punch to my gut thinking that he missed out on a Shrek experience.

Maybe I’m wrong for feeling that way… but that’s just the way I feel.

I prefer to remember my Shrek times with DJ as the good times they were…

… as opposed to sitting in a theater surrounded by a gazillion people and still feeling alone.

Ogres aren’t the only ones like onions, dontcha know?