Personal
So apparently I’ve been ignoring my blog. Well, the truth is I haven’t been ignoring it… or you for that matter… I’ve just been busy with work and two other projects. I know, ultimately, it’s not really a valid excuse… or really an excuse… but its the truth. So I decided that for twenty minutes I’ll come clean with some of the things I’ve been doing in the form of bullets for the sake of LeSombre:
- • So one of the projects I have on the side led me to collaborate with someone I’ve never met in person on another project, hence the double side projects. Collaboration in general can be both rewarding and frustrating. It’s rewarding because you get someone else’s perspective and contributions that improve on your own. It can be frustrating because at 4:00am when you have an idea you want to test out… well you generally have to wait for them to get back to you with their ideas on it. All in all though, it’s been far more rewarding than frustrating.
• My original side project has also progressed relatively nicely in helping me establish myself as an authority in my field. In fact, had it not been for the original project the second project never would have happened, and I probably would also not have been interviewed by one of the leading trade publications for the industry. So good things have come from that for sure.
• Poppy and I got to go see Monster Trucks!!! So yeah, I did make the time to go see Monster Trucks… but I mean… c’mon… they’re MONSTER TRUCKS!!! My personal favorite was Spike. Surprised? I thought not. Sadly though, as Poppy pointed out, Spike rolled over during his freestyle performance. His driver not only walked away unharmed, but he was able to drive Spike off the field once they had flipped him back over. Luckily, Spike‘s big brother Brutus was on hand! AND he was ORANGE!!! WooT!!! WooT!!!
• Did I mention I have the greatest girlfriend in the world? No? Well I do dammit. Not only does she take me Monster Trucking, but when my bank fails to make a transfer as instructed and I end up getting hit with overdraft fees… she buys me my large french vanilla ice coffee that is light with cream and four Splendas… even though I completely gave Ripples a monk haircut. Literally. She looks like a monk with her top shaved and her bottom all furry. I told GGITW to put pictures up, but we think that may ruin my future chances as a pet groomer when the other stuff doesn’t work out. We just can’t take that chance. That and we really don’t want the Humane Society coming for the kitty either.
• This past weekend I got to see G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra! We were originally supposed to see G-Force, but I unknowingly got swapped for a bunch of 9 year olds and Build-A-Bears by Blinky… so G.I. Joe it was! Now I’ll be honest, I was a big fan as a kid of both the comics, cartoon, and the toys. So the fact that after all these years these characters were being brought to life… and for the most part with their origins intact… was really thrilling. It was action packed, fast moving, and even the Accelerator Suits that looked really pathetic didn’t come out as bad as I had originally thought. The fact the Snake Eyes/Storm Shadow storyline remained true to canon was a huge win for me… so I could easily overlook the bullshit Ripcord/Scarlett romance (because we all KNOW she only has eyes for Snake!) and the sad Baroness/Duke connection was also easily overlooked. The sole WTF?!?! moment was when Dr. Mindbender turned out to not actually be Dr. Mindbender, but if I say anymore it would probably spoil it… so let’s just say who he turns out to actually be is the WTF?!?! moment. Overall, a good flick… and even Avitable agrees… so you know it must be true!
And finally…
- • I’ll save the last bullet for when the insanity comes… or LeSombre… or Swaghore’10… whichever comes first…
Hhhmmm. I actually did have a lot to say. I didn’t realize I still had it in me…
When I first left college to pay off the credit card debt I had somehow amassed after 18 months in the college cafeteria, I always said I would go back… because there would be time.
When I first started working on an ambulance I kept my weekend job as a sacristan. All those things I skipped on the weekends I said I would do… because there would be time.
When I was working 104 hours a week to earn enough money for my huge truck payment and the expected child I missed a lot of things. All those things I missed I said I would do… because there would be time.
When that child arrived, and I still found myself working 60+ hour weeks I still missed alot of things. In my mind I justified it in order to give him as good, if not better, a life as I had… and I would still do those things because there would be time.
When I left for 5 weeks to do what I had been trained to do, I did so knowing that it would benefit those I helped and secure a better Christmas that year. Sure, I missed alot… but I would still do those things, because there would be time.
When I took DJ to see the Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center that year, and went to the Disney Store to try and spend some of that hard earned money (which we didn’t for a reason I still can’t understand)… he was enamored with the hot dog vendors on the street the whole way. Instead of doing the obvious, my superior parental blindness and vision of a good day doing memorable things lead us to a restaurant he did not enjoy, and we left before even ordering. We took the subway home, and I got him a chicken nuggets Happy Meal at McDonald’s. That night I asked him if he had fun… and he told me that he had… but he asked that if next time if he could have a hot dog. Of course I smiled and told him sure, realizing my parental blindness had gotten the best of me… and I didn’t worry, because there would be time.
When my life was finally coming together… when I was no longer working insane hours to pay a mortgage for a house I didn’t live in… when weekends were finally almost all mine again… when finally I thought to myself that there was time to do all the things I missed (zoos, parks, circuses)…
… time ran out.
I don’t think I will ever pass a hot dog vendor without a pang of guilt.
categories: Personal Memories Remembering DJ
It has been two years since that day when my world was abruptly altered.
731 days.
That number makes it seem like it has been a long time.
Yet, I can still remember standing at my dispatch station trying to resolve an issue with one of the units who had been extended for a patient. I remember my cellphone ringing… my ex-wife’s name Pudding coming up on the screen… and answering that call to hear four words spoken from someone other than Pudding…
There’s been an accident.
Followed by four words that dropped the bottom out from beneath me and forever altered my world…
DJ‘s in cardiac arrest.
It has been two years since those words were spoken to me.
It has been two years and yet it feels like it was both yesterday and a long time ago.
A day does not go by when I don’t think about him and the events that unfolded during that time. A day does not go by when I don’t wonder about what decisions I could have made that would have avoided that moment. A day does not go by when I don’t feel pangs of guilt over having not brought DJ to experience something like the Bronx Zoo or the circus. A day does not go by when I wonder what could have been as opposed to what is. A day does not go by when guilt, sorrow, and remorse doesn’t threaten to overtake my very being and shake me violently to my core in order to bring my sanity to its knees.
It has been two years and my life is different in many ways other than the grief I feel.
I really cannot find complaint with my life as it is today. I am living with a woman who loves me. I have a job. I still have dreams and aspirations. The last two years have gone incredibly well for me… yet this fog of sorrow persists. It is unshakable and to deny that fact would be wrong. This second year has not been emotionally “easier” as some have suggested it might… or perhaps my expectations were just set too high for this fog to lift.
It has been two years and I still love and miss him as if no time has passed at all…
As if to amplify my emotions, today is also Father’s Day.
If there was ever a day for me to enjoy a day of Xanax with vodka chasers, today would be that day.
When a spouse dies, the surviving spouse is called a widow. When parents die, the surviving child is called an orphan. When a child dies, there is no name for the surviving parents. This absence of a definitive label has left me wondering many times where exactly do I fit in?
Yet I am not exclusive in my situation. There are other parents out there… other father’s who have lost their child and are possibly just cringing at the calendar for no other reason. The important thing I try to remember is that through the tears, the sobs, and the feelings of grief I am not alone. Those same feelings are shared by other father’s who find themselves childless… just like me.
We still think about, care about and love a child that is our own. Therefore the loss of a child does not change the fact that we are indeed fathers.
It just changes the way we spend the day.
It’ll be a Xanax and vodka day, on the rocks, for me.
For those who are spending it the traditional way… with barbecues, neckties, and beer… take a minute and give your children an extra special squeeze and thank them.
They made you what you are today… a father… and you should thank them for that opportunity every chance you get.
categories: It's All About Me Personal Memories Remembering DJ
They say it takes one to know one.
I’m a New Yorker.
I know a New Yorker when I see one.
Usually by their license plates.
