Personal
Yesterday I did the unthinkable. I left work early. Yes, that’s right, I actually said screw it and left at noon. Now consider the fact that during the year the only two holidays I actually ever take off is Christmas and the Fourth of July. I take Christmas off because, well, it is Christmas after all. I take the Fourth of July off because I was actually born on the Third of July (I missed being a patriot and having fireworks by something like 45 minutes) and that usually means I absolve my extra year in a bottle of Jack Daniels, which therefore leaves me a bit cross-eyed on the Fourth.
So yes, I left work early. Driving down Pennsylvania Avenue, I really wasn’t sure what I was going to do with myself. So I started making the calls. Kev answered his phone but was working. The Nick didn’t answer her phone, left a voicemail about going to IHOP. Barista was working, left a voicemail about stalking current Starbucks Employees with evidence of their love for Dunkin’ Donuts. The Steff didn’t answer her phone, left a voicemail about going to BJ’s Wholesale which is next to Old Navy on Erskine Street where she had wanted to go shopping for work clothes. The X-man didn’t answer, and there wasn’t a machine to leave a message. So, I decided no one else has done the unthinkable and I just go home and relax.
Around 1:30 The Steff calls me back. She just woke up. She’s also off for the day, and is do
wn to go shopping. So I pick her up at 2:30. In classic The Steff fashion she’s wearing blue jeans, a pink sweatshirt, a white vest with a furry collar, and her furry brown boots. She hands me back The Notebook DVD I lent her, and tells me how she cried her eyes out. She has gift certificates from Christmas to Sephora and Victoria’s Secret which she wants to use, so we decide to go to Austin Street instead. Of course there is a Barnes & Noble on Austin so I’m down with that.
I am extremely familiar with Austin Street, having started my EMS career with the Forest Hills Volunteer Ambulance Corps. Usually we would park at Continental Avenue and Austin Street, a place we called “Hollywood & Vine” due to the large amounts of human traffic and entertainment we would find there. Being surrounded by the private corporate streets of The Forest Hills Gardens and zoning laws that have remained unchanged, Austin Street has remained a center of commerce nostalgic of old time Main Street with independent shops and stores. In fact, the only true “mega” store is the Barnes & Noble, and that is at the far end of the strip.
So I catch a good parking spot on Continental Avenue and of course we end up scrambling for quarters. Once the hour and twenty minute parking time is secured, a shopping we go. Now honestly, this is the first time The Steff and I have specifically gone shopping. My ex hated going shopping with me. Usually I know what I want before I even go into a store, and things that catch my attention I’ll look at quickly and either it’s a yes or a no and I move on. Well, as luck would have it, apparently The Steff shops the same way.
First it was a shoe store, we walked in, looked at a few shoes and some boots, she tried nothing on, and we moved out. Then it was to Sephora, up and down the aisles with a sniff here and a sniff there, nothing catching her eye and boom we’re out again. Now it’s into another clothing store, there are some nice dresses she looks at, but once again nothing she tries on and nothing she’s in love with so off we go. Conversation is sporadic revolving around the stores, her new job, but she seems somewhat distracted.
The next store is Victoria’s Secret. Well, The Steff went in but I waited outside. Let’s face it, that store is not a store for women. It really is a candy store for men. For me to go into the candy store, and not have a reason to buy any candy, well that would be a little too much for me… and going in with The Steff would have been way over tempting. So I stood outside a smoked a cigarette (right, New Year’s resolution, I’m working on it, really). Now it takes me about 5 minutes to smoke one, and no sooner had I tossed it to the ground but she was back out. What a woman!
Then we end up at Bang-Bangs, which is a sort of club kid wear store. So she finds a shirt she likes, and a sweater… off to the changing room. Within a minute she’s showing me the first shirt, a green sheer clingy thing. She looks great, and I tell her so. Then she’s back in and out 30 seconds later with the sweater, no good in her mind but she looked fine to me, so I go and grab her the next size. She’s happier, and to be honest, it looked the same to me so I nod my agreement. Then boom, off to the counter and out we go.
Our next stop is a boot store at the very end of Austin Street by the church. We walk in, and the clerk and a woman are talking about how there would be such a huge market for leather good certified to be made from “found or sick” dead animals. The woman specifically names “cancer” as a great source of such leather. Right… I look at The Steff… she looks at me… and we leave. I would NOT wear any leather item that I consciously know came from a cancerous animal.
So now we head to the other side of Continental Avenue, the Barnes & Noble side. We stop at one shoe store where once again, it’s a quick in and out. Then across the street to the Bootery. She finds a boot she likes, asks if they have it in her size… the clerk tells her no, and boom we’re out again. On the next block she sees her friend Alex in the window of the gym working out and runs in to say hi. I once again smoke a cigarette… and I’m not even done before she’s back out.
So now we go to the GAP. Now I have always had a deep rooted hatred of the GAP (so deeply I refuse to even link to it), mainly because they NEVER have my size (I’m a big guy after all). She’s once again up and down the aisles and here is where she makes her announcement that shocks and awes me with the statement, “I’m trying to lighten up my wardrobe, it seems like all I have is black.” Right… ok… this coming from the girl in the pink sweatshirt with the white snow bunny vest. So it’s a pair of jeans… which I thought looked DAMN good on her, but she wasn’t feeling them… and out we go again.
Now it’s across the street to Mandees. Here we get to the dress socks she so desperately needs. See, The Steff has a thing for socks… the weirder the better. Unfortunately, where she works now, those socks aren’t doing the job. But once again… she grabbed five pairs for $12.00 and she’s ready to go out the door. Then she stops. See, Mandee’s has this rack next to the register with nostalgia candy and stuff. Well she spotted a box of mints with the Happy Bunny on it, with the word Poison scratched off and the words Mints For Friends scrawled on top. She went back for it. Okay, it only took fifteen seconds, so that is easily forgiven.
Finally we make it to B&N, and here’s where I basically took the lead, and hit the magazine rack. Grabbed the new issues of Writer’s Digest and Scrye, and off to the register. That’s when it happened. The reveal of what’s been going on in her mind and why she seemed so distracted:
So we move on from B&N and jump back into the truck to go to BJ’s Wholesale. We get there and I get on the line for the membership while she goes and grabs us two pretzels. They take this horrendous picture of me, print me out my new membership card, and now we’re off to the CD Players. I just want a CD player for where I have my new computer set-up at home. Something simple, which I find in cherry red for $30.00. We then go looking at some exercise machines and some organizers she thinks she may need for her shoes, but then once again we’re at the checkout.
On the way out of BJ’s we go to Sam Goody. I grab the new Depeche Mode and The Offspring Greatest Hits Album; she grabs Mariah Carey and Green Day. Another record breaking in and out, and we’re back in the truck heading towards her house. So I drop her off, and she says she’ll call me later, which of course she won’t… because she is The Steff. But as she leaves I look at the clock. It’s 5:30. This amazes me. I went to more stores, and accomplished more things with The Steff in 3 hours than I ever did with my ex-wife in 3 years.
So here’s the most important part of everything. I went home… plugged in my new radio… and proceeded to write 5,000 words in the story I’m currently suffering a block on (and no, it isn’t the story of The Steff’s life). I don’t know why this suddenly broke. I’m not sure why yesterday of all days I was able to sit there and with clarity pound out the words I wanted to say. Maybe it was the music. Maybe it was the fact that I was home early enough to stay awake to do it. Maybe… just maybe… it was The Steff.
Looking at this entry… wow… maybe this is the beginning of the end of the block after all.
Thanks babe.
So yes, I left work early. Driving down Pennsylvania Avenue, I really wasn’t sure what I was going to do with myself. So I started making the calls. Kev answered his phone but was working. The Nick didn’t answer her phone, left a voicemail about going to IHOP. Barista was working, left a voicemail about stalking current Starbucks Employees with evidence of their love for Dunkin’ Donuts. The Steff didn’t answer her phone, left a voicemail about going to BJ’s Wholesale which is next to Old Navy on Erskine Street where she had wanted to go shopping for work clothes. The X-man didn’t answer, and there wasn’t a machine to leave a message. So, I decided no one else has done the unthinkable and I just go home and relax.
Around 1:30 The Steff calls me back. She just woke up. She’s also off for the day, and is do
wn to go shopping. So I pick her up at 2:30. In classic The Steff fashion she’s wearing blue jeans, a pink sweatshirt, a white vest with a furry collar, and her furry brown boots. She hands me back The Notebook DVD I lent her, and tells me how she cried her eyes out. She has gift certificates from Christmas to Sephora and Victoria’s Secret which she wants to use, so we decide to go to Austin Street instead. Of course there is a Barnes & Noble on Austin so I’m down with that.I am extremely familiar with Austin Street, having started my EMS career with the Forest Hills Volunteer Ambulance Corps. Usually we would park at Continental Avenue and Austin Street, a place we called “Hollywood & Vine” due to the large amounts of human traffic and entertainment we would find there. Being surrounded by the private corporate streets of The Forest Hills Gardens and zoning laws that have remained unchanged, Austin Street has remained a center of commerce nostalgic of old time Main Street with independent shops and stores. In fact, the only true “mega” store is the Barnes & Noble, and that is at the far end of the strip.
So I catch a good parking spot on Continental Avenue and of course we end up scrambling for quarters. Once the hour and twenty minute parking time is secured, a shopping we go. Now honestly, this is the first time The Steff and I have specifically gone shopping. My ex hated going shopping with me. Usually I know what I want before I even go into a store, and things that catch my attention I’ll look at quickly and either it’s a yes or a no and I move on. Well, as luck would have it, apparently The Steff shops the same way.
First it was a shoe store, we walked in, looked at a few shoes and some boots, she tried nothing on, and we moved out. Then it was to Sephora, up and down the aisles with a sniff here and a sniff there, nothing catching her eye and boom we’re out again. Now it’s into another clothing store, there are some nice dresses she looks at, but once again nothing she tries on and nothing she’s in love with so off we go. Conversation is sporadic revolving around the stores, her new job, but she seems somewhat distracted.
The next store is Victoria’s Secret. Well, The Steff went in but I waited outside. Let’s face it, that store is not a store for women. It really is a candy store for men. For me to go into the candy store, and not have a reason to buy any candy, well that would be a little too much for me… and going in with The Steff would have been way over tempting. So I stood outside a smoked a cigarette (right, New Year’s resolution, I’m working on it, really). Now it takes me about 5 minutes to smoke one, and no sooner had I tossed it to the ground but she was back out. What a woman!
Then we end up at Bang-Bangs, which is a sort of club kid wear store. So she finds a shirt she likes, and a sweater… off to the changing room. Within a minute she’s showing me the first shirt, a green sheer clingy thing. She looks great, and I tell her so. Then she’s back in and out 30 seconds later with the sweater, no good in her mind but she looked fine to me, so I go and grab her the next size. She’s happier, and to be honest, it looked the same to me so I nod my agreement. Then boom, off to the counter and out we go.
Our next stop is a boot store at the very end of Austin Street by the church. We walk in, and the clerk and a woman are talking about how there would be such a huge market for leather good certified to be made from “found or sick” dead animals. The woman specifically names “cancer” as a great source of such leather. Right… I look at The Steff… she looks at me… and we leave. I would NOT wear any leather item that I consciously know came from a cancerous animal.
So now we head to the other side of Continental Avenue, the Barnes & Noble side. We stop at one shoe store where once again, it’s a quick in and out. Then across the street to the Bootery. She finds a boot she likes, asks if they have it in her size… the clerk tells her no, and boom we’re out again. On the next block she sees her friend Alex in the window of the gym working out and runs in to say hi. I once again smoke a cigarette… and I’m not even done before she’s back out.
So now we go to the GAP. Now I have always had a deep rooted hatred of the GAP (so deeply I refuse to even link to it), mainly because they NEVER have my size (I’m a big guy after all). She’s once again up and down the aisles and here is where she makes her announcement that shocks and awes me with the statement, “I’m trying to lighten up my wardrobe, it seems like all I have is black.” Right… ok… this coming from the girl in the pink sweatshirt with the white snow bunny vest. So it’s a pair of jeans… which I thought looked DAMN good on her, but she wasn’t feeling them… and out we go again.
Now it’s across the street to Mandees. Here we get to the dress socks she so desperately needs. See, The Steff has a thing for socks… the weirder the better. Unfortunately, where she works now, those socks aren’t doing the job. But once again… she grabbed five pairs for $12.00 and she’s ready to go out the door. Then she stops. See, Mandee’s has this rack next to the register with nostalgia candy and stuff. Well she spotted a box of mints with the Happy Bunny on it, with the word Poison scratched off and the words Mints For Friends scrawled on top. She went back for it. Okay, it only took fifteen seconds, so that is easily forgiven.
Finally we make it to B&N, and here’s where I basically took the lead, and hit the magazine rack. Grabbed the new issues of Writer’s Digest and Scrye, and off to the register. That’s when it happened. The reveal of what’s been going on in her mind and why she seemed so distracted:
“Hey, you know you should write another book,” she says to me as we walk through the aisle of the ropes to the checkout.So there it is… she’s rehooked on Officer Crumb. After some more conversing on the topic, she reveals that the New Guy had his hours changed and while he’s still a nice guy… well he does have some things she’s not crazy about. So we joke some more about it… how we could make it into a trilogy… and call it something like “The Scrapbook” in imitation of The Notebook. So we laugh about it… but inside I know she’s sick about the whole thing… and truth be told now I’m twisted over it too. I really need to get working on those New Year’s resolutions.
“Well, the last book I wrote wasn’t too well received,” I said joking (this is a private joke, and I know no one reading this will get it… she should have gotten it… but in reality she’s a blonde… so she didn’t get it either)
“Yeah, but, this book will be about me!” she says getting excited, “About me, and my life, and Officer Crumb.” (She doesn’t call him Officer Crumb, but I’ll be damned if I say his name much less write it)
So we move on from B&N and jump back into the truck to go to BJ’s Wholesale. We get there and I get on the line for the membership while she goes and grabs us two pretzels. They take this horrendous picture of me, print me out my new membership card, and now we’re off to the CD Players. I just want a CD player for where I have my new computer set-up at home. Something simple, which I find in cherry red for $30.00. We then go looking at some exercise machines and some organizers she thinks she may need for her shoes, but then once again we’re at the checkout.
On the way out of BJ’s we go to Sam Goody. I grab the new Depeche Mode and The Offspring Greatest Hits Album; she grabs Mariah Carey and Green Day. Another record breaking in and out, and we’re back in the truck heading towards her house. So I drop her off, and she says she’ll call me later, which of course she won’t… because she is The Steff. But as she leaves I look at the clock. It’s 5:30. This amazes me. I went to more stores, and accomplished more things with The Steff in 3 hours than I ever did with my ex-wife in 3 years.
So here’s the most important part of everything. I went home… plugged in my new radio… and proceeded to write 5,000 words in the story I’m currently suffering a block on (and no, it isn’t the story of The Steff’s life). I don’t know why this suddenly broke. I’m not sure why yesterday of all days I was able to sit there and with clarity pound out the words I wanted to say. Maybe it was the music. Maybe it was the fact that I was home early enough to stay awake to do it. Maybe… just maybe… it was The Steff.
Looking at this entry… wow… maybe this is the beginning of the end of the block after all.
Thanks babe.
So, The Nick has moved into her new house… officially. Is she happy? Well, not really. See… she now has
less closet space, less room in her room, and his paying twice as much as she was in her previous place. The difference… well… this place she OWNS. Right… it’s a big thing to go from renting to owning. The American Dream and all that. So last night’s big issue was her television. She has a 36 incher that she can’t lift onto her new television stand. So, tonight when she comes into work she has this look… and if looks could kill… well, I’d be 24 feet under by now pushing up palm trees.
So I tried talking to her. She’s all moody. Then… she slams me over a work IM. I was taken aback at first… only to discover through a few more… that she had expected me to go over her house last night and hoist it onto the stand. Did I miss something??? Then she starts complaining about how she’s single… and how I love midgets… and how I never make the time for her. At this point, I slammed the emergency brakes on… why? Because she has ditched hanging out with me at least 7 times. She claims to be jealous when other women talk to me but she has always talked to all these guy friends on the phone when we do hang out. She always asks me to hang out when she knows I have plans either with my son or someone else. WTF? So… guess what I’m doing tomorrow? Right… sending my brother to go lift the tv into place… maybe he’ll have better luck than me.
So I met this new girl online the other day. Her name is Isabelle… she seems really sweet and smart. She also likes to write (it’s like my new thing… gotta find fellow writers) and has an interesting perspective on things. I’ve really only talked to her twice… but I find her on my mind alot. She’s somewhat in the New York area… so maybe one day we’ll get a drink, swap some stories, and then fall madly in love with each other and move to Guam.
I have recently had incredible cravings for chocolate. So… lucky me the other night, I go out to dinner with The Steff, Mel, and Mel’s daughter… who at the wise age of 7 has brought a case of the World’s Finest Chocolates with her. So after spending fourteen dollars of hard cash for every available almond bar… and only eating one… I can’t find them. I have looked high… and low… and not a sign.
So now I have placed a five dollar bounty on the capture of the candy bar culprit. It ain’t right… it just ain’t right.
less closet space, less room in her room, and his paying twice as much as she was in her previous place. The difference… well… this place she OWNS. Right… it’s a big thing to go from renting to owning. The American Dream and all that. So last night’s big issue was her television. She has a 36 incher that she can’t lift onto her new television stand. So, tonight when she comes into work she has this look… and if looks could kill… well, I’d be 24 feet under by now pushing up palm trees.So I tried talking to her. She’s all moody. Then… she slams me over a work IM. I was taken aback at first… only to discover through a few more… that she had expected me to go over her house last night and hoist it onto the stand. Did I miss something??? Then she starts complaining about how she’s single… and how I love midgets… and how I never make the time for her. At this point, I slammed the emergency brakes on… why? Because she has ditched hanging out with me at least 7 times. She claims to be jealous when other women talk to me but she has always talked to all these guy friends on the phone when we do hang out. She always asks me to hang out when she knows I have plans either with my son or someone else. WTF? So… guess what I’m doing tomorrow? Right… sending my brother to go lift the tv into place… maybe he’ll have better luck than me.
So I met this new girl online the other day. Her name is Isabelle… she seems really sweet and smart. She also likes to write (it’s like my new thing… gotta find fellow writers) and has an interesting perspective on things. I’ve really only talked to her twice… but I find her on my mind alot. She’s somewhat in the New York area… so maybe one day we’ll get a drink, swap some stories, and then fall madly in love with each other and move to Guam.
I have recently had incredible cravings for chocolate. So… lucky me the other night, I go out to dinner with The Steff, Mel, and Mel’s daughter… who at the wise age of 7 has brought a case of the World’s Finest Chocolates with her. So after spending fourteen dollars of hard cash for every available almond bar… and only eating one… I can’t find them. I have looked high… and low… and not a sign.
So now I have placed a five dollar bounty on the capture of the candy bar culprit. It ain’t right… it just ain’t right.
So in less than 30 hours, we’ll be in a New Year. Personally, I can’t wait. This year… let alone the past two weeks has been a bit crazy. I’m hoping for some normalcy… at least what I consider normal.
Last night I went out with The Steff, a mutual friend Diana, and her husband. Diana was in Texas for the first two weeks with me… but came back early so she could go to the Fir
e Department of New York Bureau of EMS (FDNYBEMS). Sell out. Just kidding Dee… just kidding. So we played some pool, guys versus girls… of course the guys won 2 out of 3. The Steff and Dee actually surprised me though. They definitely gave us a run for the money though.
After that we went to the local pub and had some beers. We talked about The Steff and her old boyfriend versus the new guy. Dee and her husband pointed out the same things we had continually talked about regarding Officer Crumb. The thing is though… whenever I mentioned the new guy’s name… she smiled. It wasn’t just any smile… it was a genuinely happy smile. I hope she wakes up… opens her eyes… and officially gets rid of Crumb and sticks to the new guy.
So, I got home at like 2:30 this morning… up and at work. Then I dispatched pretty much all day with cotton mouth. Now if you think that just walking around with a hangover is fun… trying dispatching forty ambulances feeling that way. But hey… here’s the bright side… tonight I’m volleying. So I plan on working all night tonight… and then sleep tomorrow during the day in preparation for the 16 hours from New Years Eve into New Years Day I have to work.
In some really good news… my new BlogExplosion banner was approved today!!! Everyone seemed to love the kitty… so he got worked in. So if you see it… click it…
Hopefully… if time permits… I’ll be able to blog one final 2005 entry… but in case I don’t… Happy New Year everyone!!!
Last night I went out with The Steff, a mutual friend Diana, and her husband. Diana was in Texas for the first two weeks with me… but came back early so she could go to the Fir
e Department of New York Bureau of EMS (FDNYBEMS). Sell out. Just kidding Dee… just kidding. So we played some pool, guys versus girls… of course the guys won 2 out of 3. The Steff and Dee actually surprised me though. They definitely gave us a run for the money though.After that we went to the local pub and had some beers. We talked about The Steff and her old boyfriend versus the new guy. Dee and her husband pointed out the same things we had continually talked about regarding Officer Crumb. The thing is though… whenever I mentioned the new guy’s name… she smiled. It wasn’t just any smile… it was a genuinely happy smile. I hope she wakes up… opens her eyes… and officially gets rid of Crumb and sticks to the new guy.
So, I got home at like 2:30 this morning… up and at work. Then I dispatched pretty much all day with cotton mouth. Now if you think that just walking around with a hangover is fun… trying dispatching forty ambulances feeling that way. But hey… here’s the bright side… tonight I’m volleying. So I plan on working all night tonight… and then sleep tomorrow during the day in preparation for the 16 hours from New Years Eve into New Years Day I have to work.
In some really good news… my new BlogExplosion banner was approved today!!! Everyone seemed to love the kitty… so he got worked in. So if you see it… click it…
Hopefully… if time permits… I’ll be able to blog one final 2005 entry… but in case I don’t… Happy New Year everyone!!!
I admit it. I’ve been in a foul mood the last few days. Maybe I’m justified and maybe I’m not… but still I continue to suffer.
So Monday afternoon I got an IM from Nikki of my Match expeditions. We had an interesting… although a bit warped IM conversation. We started out talking about our respective Christmases. We progressed to what was more hurtful to step on, Green Army Men or Legos. From there we went onto something else, and then we talked about honesty… or to be more exact “fudging”.
See, I tend to be an honest and upfront person. I really don’t believe in fudging. She does believe in fudging… but she says to a certain degree. Things like “You look fat in that dress” and “Your hair looks like my grandmothers”… which are things I agree shouldn’t be said in that manner. Then of course is the whole thing of “I slept with him awhile ago”… well, that’s where I disagreed. While details are not necessary the fact that “awhile ago” was last week does need to be stated… especially if you’ve been saying this person during that timeframe. She didn’t feel so… and I do. Do you think irreconcilable differences already? Yeah… this stuff works out well. So after some more banter, she logged off… and I basically wrote her off.
So Monday night I went to The Steff’s house to fix the futon. See, I put it together with the bottom piece upside down so the mattress was slipping off the frame. One of her friends was there, so I brought her an ice coffee, her friend a latte, and myself my usual French Vanilla Large Ice Coffee with cream and four Splendas. So I rework the frame, the whole time talking about the problems she’s having with Officer Crumb and the problems her friend is having with a guy named Jack.
Somehow we ended up rolling the “Decision Dice” regarding Jack. The dice spoke… and she needs to pursue Jack. Then comes the issue of not knowing how. Do females really think its easy for us to talk to them about liking them? Is that how the female mind works? The answer is a resounding HELL NO… and in case you missed that, allow me to resonate HELL NO.
The truth is it is really really really hard for us to walk up to someone and say, “Hey, I like you, I think your swell… wanna be boyfriend and girlfriend?” Why are those words so damn hard… because of the fear of rejection. For me, that fear gets so bad my heart flutters, I sweat, I become dizzy, and I end up stammering and stuttering at “Hello”. Of course in The Steff’s friend’s case… she has the same issue. So… when you can’t say it… I say write it. That was my advice… write him a letter or something. She’ll probably end up text messaging him. That’s what people do these days, they text each other. So after that, I left for home while The Nick and The Steff went to play pool or something… I think with Barista. I really don’t know… really didn’t care… my shoulder was still killing me from Louis on Christmas morning.
So yesterday was a busy day at work. I did get my 2006 list of things NOT to do done… now I hope I’ll be able to keep to that list of things not to do. Once work was done, I called back The Steff. She had left me a voicemail to call her, since yesterday was her orientation at the new job. I called her, and she told me about her orientation and how she might take the dispatcher slot instead of the slot on a bus. Of course this interferes with her school schedule, which I am none too thrilled about. In our brief conversation, I got the odd feeling something was wrong. I asked her, and she denied it… but then she said something to someone and I discovered she was hanging out with the new guy. So, I brought the conversation to a close… knowing I was the virtual third wheel… she said she’s “throw” me a call later (which I knew would never happen)… and I then proceeded to the store.
For Christmas, my mom decided to give me some money for a digital camera… which is something I could have used down south and something I had been looking at. I did some browsing, a little play testing, and finally settled on buying only the Fantastic Four movie. I grabbed a large French Vanilla Ice Coffee and headed home. On the way, I thumbed my phone to Christine’s number and called her. After two rings it went to voicemail… meaning she saw my number and decided not to answer it… but I left a message anyway.
I walked into my room and looked on my futon. There, as usual, was my mail. I casually flipped past some bills and offers of more credit cards I could never be approved for before coming to a VERY familiar envelope. I looked at the return address… it was from Wizards of the Coast… but it was in my handwriting. My heart sank to its lowest point in a long long time.
I sat on the futon with the envelope in my hands. I didn’t need to open it. I knew what was inside of it. Still, I urged my hand into action against the ache of my shoulder. There, in the envelope I had addressed to myself, was my rejection letter for a novel I had submitted. I stared at it briefly… then folded it up and threw it away.
I drowned my sorrow in the comfort of French Vanilla… and the distraction of Jessica Alba playing the Invisible Girl… alone yet again.
So Monday afternoon I got an IM from Nikki of my Match expeditions. We had an interesting… although a bit warped IM conversation. We started out talking about our respective Christmases. We progressed to what was more hurtful to step on, Green Army Men or Legos. From there we went onto something else, and then we talked about honesty… or to be more exact “fudging”.
See, I tend to be an honest and upfront person. I really don’t believe in fudging. She does believe in fudging… but she says to a certain degree. Things like “You look fat in that dress” and “Your hair looks like my grandmothers”… which are things I agree shouldn’t be said in that manner. Then of course is the whole thing of “I slept with him awhile ago”… well, that’s where I disagreed. While details are not necessary the fact that “awhile ago” was last week does need to be stated… especially if you’ve been saying this person during that timeframe. She didn’t feel so… and I do. Do you think irreconcilable differences already? Yeah… this stuff works out well. So after some more banter, she logged off… and I basically wrote her off.
So Monday night I went to The Steff’s house to fix the futon. See, I put it together with the bottom piece upside down so the mattress was slipping off the frame. One of her friends was there, so I brought her an ice coffee, her friend a latte, and myself my usual French Vanilla Large Ice Coffee with cream and four Splendas. So I rework the frame, the whole time talking about the problems she’s having with Officer Crumb and the problems her friend is having with a guy named Jack.
Somehow we ended up rolling the “Decision Dice” regarding Jack. The dice spoke… and she needs to pursue Jack. Then comes the issue of not knowing how. Do females really think its easy for us to talk to them about liking them? Is that how the female mind works? The answer is a resounding HELL NO… and in case you missed that, allow me to resonate HELL NO.
The truth is it is really really really hard for us to walk up to someone and say, “Hey, I like you, I think your swell… wanna be boyfriend and girlfriend?” Why are those words so damn hard… because of the fear of rejection. For me, that fear gets so bad my heart flutters, I sweat, I become dizzy, and I end up stammering and stuttering at “Hello”. Of course in The Steff’s friend’s case… she has the same issue. So… when you can’t say it… I say write it. That was my advice… write him a letter or something. She’ll probably end up text messaging him. That’s what people do these days, they text each other. So after that, I left for home while The Nick and The Steff went to play pool or something… I think with Barista. I really don’t know… really didn’t care… my shoulder was still killing me from Louis on Christmas morning.
So yesterday was a busy day at work. I did get my 2006 list of things NOT to do done… now I hope I’ll be able to keep to that list of things not to do. Once work was done, I called back The Steff. She had left me a voicemail to call her, since yesterday was her orientation at the new job. I called her, and she told me about her orientation and how she might take the dispatcher slot instead of the slot on a bus. Of course this interferes with her school schedule, which I am none too thrilled about. In our brief conversation, I got the odd feeling something was wrong. I asked her, and she denied it… but then she said something to someone and I discovered she was hanging out with the new guy. So, I brought the conversation to a close… knowing I was the virtual third wheel… she said she’s “throw” me a call later (which I knew would never happen)… and I then proceeded to the store.
For Christmas, my mom decided to give me some money for a digital camera… which is something I could have used down south and something I had been looking at. I did some browsing, a little play testing, and finally settled on buying only the Fantastic Four movie. I grabbed a large French Vanilla Ice Coffee and headed home. On the way, I thumbed my phone to Christine’s number and called her. After two rings it went to voicemail… meaning she saw my number and decided not to answer it… but I left a message anyway.
I walked into my room and looked on my futon. There, as usual, was my mail. I casually flipped past some bills and offers of more credit cards I could never be approved for before coming to a VERY familiar envelope. I looked at the return address… it was from Wizards of the Coast… but it was in my handwriting. My heart sank to its lowest point in a long long time.
I sat on the futon with the envelope in my hands. I didn’t need to open it. I knew what was inside of it. Still, I urged my hand into action against the ache of my shoulder. There, in the envelope I had addressed to myself, was my rejection letter for a novel I had submitted. I stared at it briefly… then folded it up and threw it away.
I drowned my sorrow in the comfort of French Vanilla… and the distraction of Jessica Alba playing the Invisible Girl… alone yet again.
posted by NYC Watchdog at Wednesday - 12.28.05 @ 1:36 PM
categories: Personal The Steff
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categories: Personal The Steff
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When We Were Liars, Things Were Seamless: Excerpts from a Conversation is a classic example of the things I was talking about that I can identify and sympathize with.
Really… to put it in more of a modern terminology, it’s like The Matrix (the original movie). When Morpheus offers Neo the two pills… the Blue pill and the Red pill. The Blue pill represents the world as you know it… the familiar things, the comfortable known things. The Red pill respresents the world you don’t know… an unknown factor, an adventurous and potentially scary prospect. It goes alot deeper, philosophical arguments that have been made in a number of Matrix Essays written on the subject, but I’m not talking about the deep Buddhist stuff… I’m talking about how people the world over would choose the status quo over the refreshing and new.
The Steff does it, choosing Officer Crumb over the new guy. Christine does it, choosing Louis over the unknown. Monique is contemplating it, choosing Ryan over Mark. So the question becomes why stay with the known over the unknown?
Well, I think its because it is the unknown. There is a fear factor involved there… one which is in our subconscious as opposed to being a conscious thought.
Am I any different? I’m an adrenaline junky… never sure what my next call will be… never knowing where it might take me. Hell… I even participated in both Hurricane Katrina and Hurricane Rita responses. Am I a red piller, going down the rabbit hole every chance I get? I like to think so.
Yet… Pudding once accused me of preferring to be alone… and therefore being a blue piller. Then I doubted her, and told her she was crazy. Now… in hindsight… maybe I do prefer being alone… because deep down that is what I’m used to having been that way for so long. Marrying her was definately a trip down the rabbit hole. Would I give it back? Nope. I would do it… heartache and all… again and again. Why? Because there were good times too… and those are priceless in my mind and heart. Although being alone may be what I know and am familiar with better than most… it’s being lonely that drives me to my moments of insanity. So is being alone my personal blue pill that goes down my gullet in my subconscious? Anything is really possible I suppose… but I need to change it… I need to swallow the red pill… even if it ends my existence in this dreamworld state.
So the question before us all is what we know versus what we don’t… and which do we choose? I want to take the red pill. I don’t want to stay with the familiar and safe… because I’ve been there… done that… got a few t-shirts and divorce papers to prove it. So how do I take the red pill in this? Maybe I should start with making some New Year’s resolutions…
Really… to put it in more of a modern terminology, it’s like The Matrix (the original movie). When Morpheus offers Neo the two pills… the Blue pill and the Red pill. The Blue pill represents the world as you know it… the familiar things, the comfortable known things. The Red pill respresents the world you don’t know… an unknown factor, an adventurous and potentially scary prospect. It goes alot deeper, philosophical arguments that have been made in a number of Matrix Essays written on the subject, but I’m not talking about the deep Buddhist stuff… I’m talking about how people the world over would choose the status quo over the refreshing and new.
The Steff does it, choosing Officer Crumb over the new guy. Christine does it, choosing Louis over the unknown. Monique is contemplating it, choosing Ryan over Mark. So the question becomes why stay with the known over the unknown?
Well, I think its because it is the unknown. There is a fear factor involved there… one which is in our subconscious as opposed to being a conscious thought.
Am I any different? I’m an adrenaline junky… never sure what my next call will be… never knowing where it might take me. Hell… I even participated in both Hurricane Katrina and Hurricane Rita responses. Am I a red piller, going down the rabbit hole every chance I get? I like to think so.
Yet… Pudding once accused me of preferring to be alone… and therefore being a blue piller. Then I doubted her, and told her she was crazy. Now… in hindsight… maybe I do prefer being alone… because deep down that is what I’m used to having been that way for so long. Marrying her was definately a trip down the rabbit hole. Would I give it back? Nope. I would do it… heartache and all… again and again. Why? Because there were good times too… and those are priceless in my mind and heart. Although being alone may be what I know and am familiar with better than most… it’s being lonely that drives me to my moments of insanity. So is being alone my personal blue pill that goes down my gullet in my subconscious? Anything is really possible I suppose… but I need to change it… I need to swallow the red pill… even if it ends my existence in this dreamworld state.
So the question before us all is what we know versus what we don’t… and which do we choose? I want to take the red pill. I don’t want to stay with the familiar and safe… because I’ve been there… done that… got a few t-shirts and divorce papers to prove it. So how do I take the red pill in this? Maybe I should start with making some New Year’s resolutions…
