Remembering DJ
Life.
A condition that distinguishes active organisms from inorganic matter. The science of biology is the study of these active organisms through their stages of growth. With names like osmosis and homeostasis, biology is able to define the growth process of the physical and organic matter.
Yet, there is more to life than just the generation, replication, and growth of cells. Life is also about ourselves in our collective humanity, how our experiences shape our personalities, and how our growth is affected by those who surround us. The study of philosophy purports to provide scientific answers to this aspect of life, and where it fails then there is theology that is ready to step in.
The one question that there is no definitive answer for is what is the meaning of life?
And if we don’t know the meaning of life, that also means we lack the answer to the meaning of death.
Today is the 3 year mark when my life was drastically changed.
1,096 days have passed since DJ crossed over and out of our lives. In the grand scheme of things, it may not seem like a terribly long time… yet it can sometime feel like an eternity. The proportion of time that has passed often becomes shrouded in a haze. Some days I wake up, look at his photo on the wall, and feel like decades have passed. Then there are some mornings when it all seems like a dream, and the harsh reality runs over me like a freight train all over again. It’s part of the process… trying to determine what meaning life still has for me without him in it or what meaning death might have always held for me considering that it has taken him from me.
Is there a greater meaning to any of it? As a parent, the meaning of life becomes slightly clearer and more focused on the well being of your child. While success at that is up to subjective interpretation, there are definite indicators that can guide you along the way.
Like smiles.
Like laughter.
Like kisses.
Like hugs.
But what happens when it ends. What happens when you no longer have those indicators in your life and are forced to look back in your mind’s eye for those? While it’s true that summer camp, college, and eventually married life can separate you from your child there is still the return of those little things. Death is a more permanent separation. I do have to hold some belief that death is not necessarily the definitive end of life. For that matter, the existence of my very job would dictate that under the right circumstances the science of biology can overpower all.
For 13 minutes DJ had a spontaneous return of circulation in the emergency room. He was intubated, on a ventilator, with IV lines running medicine into his veins meant to both aid in the chemical jump start of his heart and to try and regulate it once that happened.
For those 13 minutes that his heart beat on its own, I was in traffic trying to get through summertime rush hour traffic across state lines.
The biological medicine, that I had dedicated 12 years of my life to practicing, wasn’t enough.
I think about those 13 minutes alot. I wonder if it would have made a difference if I had been there. If he would have known that I was there, or if it would have helped to know that I was doing everything I could to be there… which was being a hyper ventilating hysterical mess in the passenger seat while my partner drove.
I wish there would have been something I could have done that would make a difference… but there wasn’t.
So I continue to do the next best thing… try to make a positive difference in the lives of people who either don’t have someone or can’t do something for themselves. There are plenty of days when I feel like I am living the life of a clown… happy and laid back on the outside while deep down inside I am twisted and deeply sad… but I go on. You may ask yourself why?
Because there has to be some sort of meaning to life other than the biological books tell you that I hope will still be revealed to me.
Because whatever meaning there is that death once held for me has disappeared and ultimately I will not allow it to rule my life as it once may have.
Because the smiles (and purrs) are worth those bad mornings.
Because the laughter is worth the waves of sadness.
Because the kisses are worth the second guessing.
Because the hugs are worth the moments of gut wrenching guilt for failure.
And in the end… if there really is no deeper meaning to any of it… if it is all done for no reason other than for something to do… there will always be the memories… and they are worth it all.
42
This year Dan has once again organized a fund raising walk for The Joseph Salmon Trust, a charity that is doing important work by offering financial support for those who have lost a child. I think the work this charity does is phenomenal, because not everyone has a loving family and the support of the Blogger community as I did. Poppy and I had planned on joining this pilgrimage with a cause, but due to unforseen circumstances we’ll only be able to support the walk from this side of the pond.
You can donate directly to the trust via their Just Giving Page, you can make a donation in DJ‘s name via this page, or you can just help spread the word about the Trust’s mission.
Anything you can do is a help.
Thanks.
Movies were a big part of life with DJ. When he was an infant Pudding and I would bring him to the matinee showings of the latest releases, and with a pair of ear muffs on he’d snuggle in his carrier to watch or sleep through the latest action packed movie. Going to the movies in Pennsylvania was a big deal, because we did it very rarely. Finally, the fact a movie theater opened up across the street made the winter weekends fly by with buckets of popcorn, Twizzlers with nacho cheese, and over sized sodas he would use both hands to pick up as we were sucked out of a seemingly mundane existence and into fantastical new worlds.
DJ was a big fan of Shrek, along with Monsters Inc., Spider-Man, and Hellboy. He, like his father, was also a huge Star Wars fan and it was not uncommon to watch Attack of the Clones on television before going to see Revenge of the Sith… which we saw in theaters a whopping 5 times.
Today is the release of the fourth Shrek movie. I’m not going to be seeing it.
Probably not ever.
I prefer to think that the last one DJ saw, Shrek the Third, was the last one. Otherwise it causes a punch to my gut thinking that he missed out on a Shrek experience.
Maybe I’m wrong for feeling that way… but that’s just the way I feel.
I prefer to remember my Shrek times with DJ as the good times they were…
… as opposed to sitting in a theater surrounded by a gazillion people and still feeling alone.
Ogres aren’t the only ones like onions, dontcha know?
Growing up, DJ was part of a big family. He has three brothers and a sister in addition to his uncle, grandparents, and various cousins. Sometimes I forget about that little part of him, being part of them… or perhaps I should say so many of them. Of course, there is a bond with them now, one I would prefer not to have but a bond none the less.
I’m not the only one who misses DJ daily.
Knowing that… well… it is a bit comforting knowing that I’m not alone… and neither is he.
categories: Personal Memories Remembering DJ
It always comes back to the cinema, or so it seems. DJ and I would go to the movies together all the time. It was often our own private sanctuary from the world outside… where I was being demanded to provide for a broken household and where he was being demanded to become more independent quickly. Once that piece of paper had been handed in, he could act his age… and I could act his age. I tend to think that I won our more on that deal, but he did get to eat a large popcorn by himself… even if it took him two days to do it.
Yesterday, Poppy and I traveled out to New Jersey to take the Wolves to see Diary of a Wimpy Kid. The book has a bit of special meaning, because I had bought it for the Professor back in 2007 soon after DJ was lost to us. I’ll admit it, I read the book and really enjoyed it. I like to think it helped him as he transitioned from one school to another and from being 1 of 5 to 1 of 4.
The movie itself was a really great translation from the book, including the drawing style that had made the book so rich and unique. It’s the kind of film that I would rank up there with Sixteen Candles and The Breakfast Club. It’s not really the Diary of a Wimpy Kid as much as it is the Diary of Every Kid, whether they want to admit it or not.
There was one part of the movie where I felt myself blown away by the philosophical truth in the statement. In an attempt to remain spoiler free, it comes from the main characters mother when they are discussing choices and whether or not the main character should do something or not do something.
She says something along the lines of, “The choices you make are what defines you for the rest of your life.”
It’s so obvious. So simple. So true.
Add on “and will shape the lives of those around you” and there would be the true meaning of life.
If it weren’t already 42, that is.
And when I walked out of that theater it really had me thinking… and a wave of sadness descended upon me because I don’t think DJ realized how important he was to me. I don’t think he realized how he shaped my life for the better. I hope that the next time we meet, I’ll have the chance to not only tell him… but to show him.
It was nine years ago today that I learned how to wrap a burrito and my life changed forever for the better…
… and my hair color changed for the whiter… for which I have no regrets.
Happy birthday buddy.
Miss you.
Love you.
