Remembering DJ
Decisions.
I make a lot of decisions on a daily basis in what I do.
I think alot about decisions I’ve made in the past, particularly in the decisions I made when it came to DJ. When I say alot… I mean ALOT.
I wonder about the decisions I made that at the time I thought was the best decision I could make with the options I had. I wonder about the decisions I made that at the time I thought was the most amicable. I wonder about the decisions I made that I thought were the “best for everyone” in that moment.
Now to be honest, it isn’t like I decided to do some sort of outrageous stunt like the father who decided that balloon-boy-hiding-in-the-attic-before-blowing-up-dad-on-CNN-and-puking-on-Good-Morning-America was a good idea. Nor did I make the decision as a mother did to write-a-scathing-blog-post-about-a-government-agency-to-get-paid-through-either-a-publisher-or-through-traffic-for-ads-only-to-be-proven-to-have-fabricated-the-accusations-by-9-video-cameras-released-to-the-world. The decisions I’m talking about are the decisions we make everyday in how we interact with others, how we prioritize our bill paying, and how we determine the happiness and quality (or lack thereof) of our lives.
I wonder if I had indeed chosen differently… if somewhere along the way I had made a different decision… if in fact I would not wake up most mornings fighting for a reason to get out of bed. The doubt creeps in… like a monster creeping out from under the bed in a veil of fog.
There is however one decision that I made with no thoughts of possible regret or misgivings.
The decision to blow the mortgage payment on costumes, candy, pumpkins, and to get a smoke machine that first Halloween in Pennsylvania.
Sure I was slightly financially irresponsible. Sure I neglected to do the “right thing” by the institution that month. I admit this. I worked extra shifts to make up for it… but the payment was late. I know this. I am okay with it.
I am okay with it because Halloween, at the time, was my most favorite holiday. I loved Halloween more than I loved even Groundhog’s Day. Halloween was a big deal to me. It was also a big deal to DJ and the Wolves. So I chose irresponsibility to bring joy to that house in Pennsylvania.
Out of all the decisions I think that may have been wrong, and all the decisions I know to have been wrong… that is the one decision I am totally proud of being wrong on.
Damn the man.
Save the Empire.
Trick or treat safely.
categories: Personal Memories Remembering DJ
4 years ago I spent 40 days and nights away from New York… and away from DJ. Sure it wasn’t a recreational journey but rather a work one. While I used that as justification to others and myself for the time away, it’s also true that I wasn’t required to spend that entire time away. I had been offered a relief that I had turned down from a sense of duty to others, which at the time was greater than a sense of duty to my son.
Guilt often hangs over me about that time… time that was lost… not because of requirements but because of choice… decisions I consciously made when I thought I had more time.
It also makes me wonder… what decisions am I making today that I will look back upon and realize that I lost time that I will never get back…
Summers used to be filled with hot dogs, sprinklers, and carousels…
Living in the apartment doesn’t give me the opportunity to grill outside like I used to. Sure, we make hot dogs up here in the oven, but it just isn’t the same charcoal grilled taste. Every now and then though… I can go over to my dad’s house, twist his arm, and grill up some doggies.
The sprinklers this year in both the park and the shopping center have been closed off to children. There were some changes in city codes that requires the sprinkler systems to have upgrades to their drainage system. Until those upgrades are made, kids can watch the water… but they shall not touch.
The carousel this summer has remained under lock and key. The city, due to the current financial situation, has been unable to open it or find a vendor willing to do so. It makes me sad to think that there are parents who are not having the opportunity to make memories with their children there this summer.
Thankfully I had the opportunity, and I took it…
Things in my surroundings may change… but the memories and love remains…
When I first left college to pay off the credit card debt I had somehow amassed after 18 months in the college cafeteria, I always said I would go back… because there would be time.
When I first started working on an ambulance I kept my weekend job as a sacristan. All those things I skipped on the weekends I said I would do… because there would be time.
When I was working 104 hours a week to earn enough money for my huge truck payment and the expected child I missed a lot of things. All those things I missed I said I would do… because there would be time.
When that child arrived, and I still found myself working 60+ hour weeks I still missed alot of things. In my mind I justified it in order to give him as good, if not better, a life as I had… and I would still do those things because there would be time.
When I left for 5 weeks to do what I had been trained to do, I did so knowing that it would benefit those I helped and secure a better Christmas that year. Sure, I missed alot… but I would still do those things, because there would be time.
When I took DJ to see the Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center that year, and went to the Disney Store to try and spend some of that hard earned money (which we didn’t for a reason I still can’t understand)… he was enamored with the hot dog vendors on the street the whole way. Instead of doing the obvious, my superior parental blindness and vision of a good day doing memorable things lead us to a restaurant he did not enjoy, and we left before even ordering. We took the subway home, and I got him a chicken nuggets Happy Meal at McDonald’s. That night I asked him if he had fun… and he told me that he had… but he asked that if next time if he could have a hot dog. Of course I smiled and told him sure, realizing my parental blindness had gotten the best of me… and I didn’t worry, because there would be time.
When my life was finally coming together… when I was no longer working insane hours to pay a mortgage for a house I didn’t live in… when weekends were finally almost all mine again… when finally I thought to myself that there was time to do all the things I missed (zoos, parks, circuses)…
… time ran out.
I don’t think I will ever pass a hot dog vendor without a pang of guilt.
categories: Personal Memories Remembering DJ
It has been two years since that day when my world was abruptly altered.
731 days.
That number makes it seem like it has been a long time.
Yet, I can still remember standing at my dispatch station trying to resolve an issue with one of the units who had been extended for a patient. I remember my cellphone ringing… my ex-wife’s name Pudding coming up on the screen… and answering that call to hear four words spoken from someone other than Pudding…
There’s been an accident.
Followed by four words that dropped the bottom out from beneath me and forever altered my world…
DJ‘s in cardiac arrest.
It has been two years since those words were spoken to me.
It has been two years and yet it feels like it was both yesterday and a long time ago.
A day does not go by when I don’t think about him and the events that unfolded during that time. A day does not go by when I don’t wonder about what decisions I could have made that would have avoided that moment. A day does not go by when I don’t feel pangs of guilt over having not brought DJ to experience something like the Bronx Zoo or the circus. A day does not go by when I wonder what could have been as opposed to what is. A day does not go by when guilt, sorrow, and remorse doesn’t threaten to overtake my very being and shake me violently to my core in order to bring my sanity to its knees.
It has been two years and my life is different in many ways other than the grief I feel.
I really cannot find complaint with my life as it is today. I am living with a woman who loves me. I have a job. I still have dreams and aspirations. The last two years have gone incredibly well for me… yet this fog of sorrow persists. It is unshakable and to deny that fact would be wrong. This second year has not been emotionally “easier” as some have suggested it might… or perhaps my expectations were just set too high for this fog to lift.
It has been two years and I still love and miss him as if no time has passed at all…
As if to amplify my emotions, today is also Father’s Day.
If there was ever a day for me to enjoy a day of Xanax with vodka chasers, today would be that day.
When a spouse dies, the surviving spouse is called a widow. When parents die, the surviving child is called an orphan. When a child dies, there is no name for the surviving parents. This absence of a definitive label has left me wondering many times where exactly do I fit in?
Yet I am not exclusive in my situation. There are other parents out there… other father’s who have lost their child and are possibly just cringing at the calendar for no other reason. The important thing I try to remember is that through the tears, the sobs, and the feelings of grief I am not alone. Those same feelings are shared by other father’s who find themselves childless… just like me.
We still think about, care about and love a child that is our own. Therefore the loss of a child does not change the fact that we are indeed fathers.
It just changes the way we spend the day.
It’ll be a Xanax and vodka day, on the rocks, for me.
For those who are spending it the traditional way… with barbecues, neckties, and beer… take a minute and give your children an extra special squeeze and thank them.
They made you what you are today… a father… and you should thank them for that opportunity every chance you get.
categories: It's All About Me Personal Memories Remembering DJ
