It has been one year comprised of 366 days since that day that started off… well… nearly perfect.  In the grand scheme of things, it is 1/8 the amount of time I spent in elementary school, 1/4 the amount of time I spent in high school, 1/13 the amount of time I have spent as an EMT, and 1/33 of the amount of time of my entire life that has just passed.  On the intimate level… it has been the hardest year I have ever had.  It was the first year I was without definitive reason to get up in the morning, the first year that I dreaded occasions others were celebrating, and the first year that I felt a true piece of myself was missing.  It was one year that has felt both like a decade has gone by and like only a day has past.

Not a day in this year has gone by when I have not been reminded of what I’ve lost.  It’s usually the simplest things that remind me the most.  Chocolate frosted donuts with sprinkles from Dunkin’ Donuts.  The comic book rack at Borders.  The Carousel at Forest Park.  Late night television on The Cartoon Network.  The thirty-seven decks of cards that sit in his drawer.  Mailboxes.  Of course, there are all things Shrek.  All of these things are things that he knew… and it saddens me when I see something that I know he would have liked but never got to see.  The Webkinz card game.  Dinner at Red Robins.  The penguins at the zoo.  The upcoming Clone Wars movie.  The triple chocolate muffin at Dunkin’ Donuts.  The new Hulk movie, because of course he was the biggest fan in the house of the old one too. 

A number of societies and cultures allow one year of mourning the passing of a loved one.  Culturally I belong to one of those groups.  Today will supposedly mark the period of mourning, and life in theory is supposed to carry on as usual.  This means celebrating the holidays I avoided this past year, doing the things I would normally do as if nothing was wrong, and not feeling the need to keep radical changes to a minimum.  Emotionally though, I belong to the never forget group.  While waking up most mornings has returned to a battle between the alarm clock and I, there are still mornings where it takes tremendous effort to put both feet on the floor both physically and emotionally.  As the days continue to pass while I move forward through life I’ll always carry this loss with me, and I don’t know how anyone can expect otherwise.  I don’t know if anyone realistically does.

The first year, supposedly according to the experts, is the hardest year.  I’m not sure if that’s true or not.  I think every year is a hard year without someone who you love unconditionally… and loved you unconditionally.  It’s hard… but not impossible.

Because nothing is impossible… impossible just takes a little longer.

Virtuality In Stone

One of the questions that usually pops up in the blogosphere every 2 or 3 months is the validity of the “virtual friendships” that eventually evolve from our online activities.  I myself used to wonder about it, and while I had concluded that online relationships were as important as offline there, really was no actual solid proof that could be found.

Today I give you that solid proof…

When I made this post on my blog, it was done in a state of exhaustion after over 24 hours of being emotionally drained and numbed through the wonders of modern chemistry.  The support and love I received from the blogosphere was… overwhelming to say the least.  Over 400 comments wound up on that little post.  Over 400 comments of love and support… and I assure you it gave me strength at a time when I was my weakest.  Those 400+ comments came in from all over, and word spread as it does in the blogosphere thanks in part to Adam Avitable with AmyD who had decided to do this.  In the end, they raised $3500 dollars on my behalf.

Unlike a lot of parents put into my situation, the financial toll of the funeral was lessened dramatically by both the former Chief Operating Officer, the then current President of the company I work for, and perhaps surprisingly, their premiere clients who’s accounts I have served at over the years.  So when I received the check, I decided to put it towards one of the things not yet paid for, the grave marker.  A solid stone reminder that the power of friendship transcends the so called virtual world… by leaps and bounds.

I still remain at a loss of words that would adequately show my appreciation for that, and everything else, so I would just like to say thank you and hope that it can suffice.

As a parent, you want the best for your child, even when they have left this world for the next before you.  Not all parents are as fortunate as I am to have such support during such a tragic event.  It is for this reason that I ask you to keep in mind The Joseph Salmon Trust, a small charity that focuses on helping parents to pay for headstones and funeral services.  The Dales Walk is an event that Dan has planned and will benefit the trust.

I tend to think I have been in a helluva mood this week.  Let’s recap some of my finer moments…

• I snapped out on one of the guys in my garage because he took THREE free waters instead of only the TWO we asked people to take.  Snapped = screamed, ranted, raved, and slapped the bottles out of his hand

• I went borderline postal on a radiology clerk who drove his portable X-Ray machine into my empty stretcher.  Postal = cursed, flipped off, and kicked his machine

• I forced the guy at Dunkin’ Donuts to remake my ice coffee twice because it wasn’t light enough.  Forced = growled, snarled, and demanded a new coffee while dialing DnD Corporate Headquarters… and no, just adding cream will NOT do

• I went medieval on a bunch of new EMS Bloggers who are too busy with their incestuous little circle that they fail to realize that things such as blogosphere etiquette and people with different opinions exist.  Medieval = leaving post length comments in reply to each and every passive aggressive remark they made, as well as lobbing a few in there myself

• I went borderline psychotic in an e-mail response to one of my bosses after his entire e-mail response to my report was ”LOL”.  Psychotic = I e-mailed him an LOLCAT as my reply… and it also went out to 5 other managers

• I almost leapt through the windshield of my truck to strangle a pedestrian who apparently doesn’t realize that my 2 ton truck will squash is 120 pound (soaking wet with pockets full of quarters) body.  Almost = I actually opened the door to get out, but suddenly he realized he was wearing Nike and decided to pretend he was Michael Jordan

So yeah, saying I’m cranked to 11 and ready to rage is an understatement.  Normally I can just let this stuff go… but it all just seems to be sticking with me lately.  I don’t think it’ll be any better anytime soon… and I wonder how much worse it’s going to get.  I normally get cranky once a month like this… but this time… wow… it’s a doozy.

In brighter news, I just got the 2008 Yankee Stadium Baseball Bat.  It’s pretty sweet and will look great hitting someone in the head.

There’s always tomorrow.

I am really fed up right now.

Mentally I am dumbfounded.

Emotionally I am bordering on an old school rant that may lead to a psychotic breakdown which will feed the Blogosphere’s Drama Engine just a little longer with my digital ink.

I don’t understand why people are so stupid.  Really.  Totally and completely stupid people who have no business doing what they’re doing.

What are they doing you ask???

They are the ones handling the stimulus refund from the Federal Government.  They are the IRS.  The money men.

I got home yesterday after a typical Monday.  Typical=crappy.  There were two things I found when I got home. 

The first was a .5 liter of Coke that I promptly consumed due to its cold temperature being the antithesis of the hot and humid former flood zone I was settling into.

The second was an envelope from the IRS that clearly said in red letters: 2008 Stimulus Information.

I was befuddled by this envelope.  So after opening the Coke, I opened the envelope and fully expected a check.  No.  There was no check.  Instead there was a letter from the IRS explaining to me the exact same thing that was explained to me when my taxes were done.  The letter also said how I could expect payment around the third week of July.  If in fact I don’t get the check within 6 weeks of the date they gave me, well then I should call them to find out if in fact it was sent out.  Does this make any sense to anyone?  Why would they not save the postage and just mail me the check when it was ready?

Don’t tell me the postage for this crap doesn’t cost anything.  Every piece of useless mail that goes out, from the government or not, costs something between the paper, the ink, and the manpower needed to deliver such items.  I don’t have the numbers, but it costs money to send these little things out.  Why else would they have raised the postal rates again?

Speaking of raised postal rates, why don’t they just charge double for bulk mailings?  Seriously.  Readers’ Digest Ed McMahon Sweepstakes should just give Ed the money before he loses his home, and the Post Office should make everyone else who does bulk junk mailings pay double.  You know that would cut down on some of the REAL mailbox clutter because those companies would no longer look at bulk mailings as profitable.  This not only would cut down on the load of the mailman, but it would decrease the amount of time needed to deliver the mail, and you could probably cut one mailman out of ten.  I say start with the grumpiest ass one who not only destroys the cards my aunt sends me, but can’t friggin’ read and delivers it to the wrong house.

So what would the government do with all this newfound money?  Develop real working R2-D2 Mailboxes.  The R2 Mailboxes can not only be mail receptacles, but then in the middle of the night they can drive themselves to the post office and dump their load.  At some point, with further development, they would be able to deliver the mail which would lead to needing even less mailmen!  Less mailmen… more savings… more R2 Mailboxes… which means less mailmen… more savings… more R2 Mailboxes.  It’s a win win for me… although not so much for the mailmen.  Hey, there is always UPS, right?

Of course this won’t ever happen.  Wanna know why?  Because the money men, the IRS, are stupid.  They send you letters telling you about a check that’s coming instead of just sending the check.  They definitely won’t try to save you any money by properly funding the US Postal Service R2-D2 Initiative.  I feel like I am stuck in a bureaucracy of stupidity and there’s nothing I can do about it.  Will it never end?

There is only one thing that could make me feel better.  A pudi-cake-a-cookie.

Pudding?  Check.  Golden Oreos?  Only three blocks way.  Only one problem.  They don’t sell Little Debbie in this confounded city!!!

I blame the government.

It’s a desert cake conspiracy.