I have a new tenant renting my blog space. Everyone give a nice loud howdy to One Man Bandwith coming to you live in English… from China!!! Yes… he’s an American Professor blogging his way over the Great Walls. So please, show him some American love and go check out his adventures in the next economic super power of the world. Thanks!
10) Quit smoking- yes… it may be my lowest priority of things to do… but I’ve been telling myself every year is the last year now for five years. Maybe if I didn’t make it my lowest priority I’d be able to do it.
9) Lose weight- not sure how to try to do this again this year… but maybe I can get motivated to avoid the constant and consistent fast food and make some time for the gym. I have a gym membership… unfortunately it’s so old it was chiseled into a stone slab similar to the Ten Commandments. Yeah… I definitely need to update that photo.
8) Spend more time with my family-… right… anyway…
7) Go back to therapy-… or some form of it. My former therapist won’t want to see me anymore… but he was nice enough to drop the charges after I destroyed his office and nearly put him through a plate glass window. Maybe if the therapy would have worked… that wouldn’t have happened… so who’s fault was it anyway? See… this is why he doesn’t like me anymore.
6) I’m going to win the World Series of Poker-… right… look, this is a list of the top things I should do… but for this one, I’ll be happy with just a seat at the table and to avoid being the first person busted out.
5) I’m taking my son to New Hampshire-… I have a beloved aunt who lives in New Hampshire. She has unfortunately only seen DJ once… primarily because of the distances involved. So this spring, I’m taking him to see her… because besides the guilt trip she gave me last night about it… I do miss New Hampshire.
4) I’m going to deal with Officer Crumb-… yes… I have been EXTREMELY nice so far… but if he even attempts to play the same crap in the new year as he did last year with The Steff… well, just go see number 7… only I WILL put him through the plate glass window… and seeing as how this is a picture she sent me of her throwing darts at him… I tend to think she won’t be protesting.
3) I’m going to deal with Louis finally-… see number 4, then read number 7, times it by 10… yes… Louis is done… he just doesn’t know it yet…
2) I’m going to be less violent and less aggressive this year-… really… after I do number 3 and number 4… I think I’ll become a Buddhist and find some inner peace. Maybe then I can get a date. Buddhists aren’t celibate are they?
1) The one thing this year I swear I’ll do is finish ONE of my book ideas- …I want to get it done and get it published… maybe not by a real publisher… but if I have to do it myself so be it. Bottom line… my number one goal is to break down the wall with a sledgehammer and smash it into bits and pieces. Then I’ll become that Buddhist… as long as they don’t have to be celibate… otherwise I’ll have to find some other inner peace religion that allows sex. How about those mormons? I can live in Salt Lake City… really I could.
So that’s what I WANT to do for 2006… maybe I should make a list of things to avoid too while I’m at it.
9) Lose weight- not sure how to try to do this again this year… but maybe I can get motivated to avoid the constant and consistent fast food and make some time for the gym. I have a gym membership… unfortunately it’s so old it was chiseled into a stone slab similar to the Ten Commandments. Yeah… I definitely need to update that photo.
8) Spend more time with my family-… right… anyway…
7) Go back to therapy-… or some form of it. My former therapist won’t want to see me anymore… but he was nice enough to drop the charges after I destroyed his office and nearly put him through a plate glass window. Maybe if the therapy would have worked… that wouldn’t have happened… so who’s fault was it anyway? See… this is why he doesn’t like me anymore.
6) I’m going to win the World Series of Poker-… right… look, this is a list of the top things I should do… but for this one, I’ll be happy with just a seat at the table and to avoid being the first person busted out.
5) I’m taking my son to New Hampshire-… I have a beloved aunt who lives in New Hampshire. She has unfortunately only seen DJ once… primarily because of the distances involved. So this spring, I’m taking him to see her… because besides the guilt trip she gave me last night about it… I do miss New Hampshire.
4) I’m going to deal with Officer Crumb-… yes… I have been EXTREMELY nice so far… but if he even attempts to play the same crap in the new year as he did last year with The Steff… well, just go see number 7… only I WILL put him through the plate glass window… and seeing as how this is a picture she sent me of her throwing darts at him… I tend to think she won’t be protesting.
3) I’m going to deal with Louis finally-… see number 4, then read number 7, times it by 10… yes… Louis is done… he just doesn’t know it yet…
2) I’m going to be less violent and less aggressive this year-… really… after I do number 3 and number 4… I think I’ll become a Buddhist and find some inner peace. Maybe then I can get a date. Buddhists aren’t celibate are they?
1) The one thing this year I swear I’ll do is finish ONE of my book ideas- …I want to get it done and get it published… maybe not by a real publisher… but if I have to do it myself so be it. Bottom line… my number one goal is to break down the wall with a sledgehammer and smash it into bits and pieces. Then I’ll become that Buddhist… as long as they don’t have to be celibate… otherwise I’ll have to find some other inner peace religion that allows sex. How about those mormons? I can live in Salt Lake City… really I could.
So that’s what I WANT to do for 2006… maybe I should make a list of things to avoid too while I’m at it.
While getting ready to make my New Year’s resolutions I stumbled over this page that I found VERY useful… namely to give my blog a “home” link… So click on the title and you’ll see what I mean. For other goodies, check out Blogger Hacks - The Series - Freshblog.
When We Were Liars, Things Were Seamless: Excerpts from a Conversation is a classic example of the things I was talking about that I can identify and sympathize with.
Really… to put it in more of a modern terminology, it’s like The Matrix (the original movie). When Morpheus offers Neo the two pills… the Blue pill and the Red pill. The Blue pill represents the world as you know it… the familiar things, the comfortable known things. The Red pill respresents the world you don’t know… an unknown factor, an adventurous and potentially scary prospect. It goes alot deeper, philosophical arguments that have been made in a number of Matrix Essays written on the subject, but I’m not talking about the deep Buddhist stuff… I’m talking about how people the world over would choose the status quo over the refreshing and new.
The Steff does it, choosing Officer Crumb over the new guy. Christine does it, choosing Louis over the unknown. Monique is contemplating it, choosing Ryan over Mark. So the question becomes why stay with the known over the unknown?
Well, I think its because it is the unknown. There is a fear factor involved there… one which is in our subconscious as opposed to being a conscious thought.
Am I any different? I’m an adrenaline junky… never sure what my next call will be… never knowing where it might take me. Hell… I even participated in both Hurricane Katrina and Hurricane Rita responses. Am I a red piller, going down the rabbit hole every chance I get? I like to think so.
Yet… Pudding once accused me of preferring to be alone… and therefore being a blue piller. Then I doubted her, and told her she was crazy. Now… in hindsight… maybe I do prefer being alone… because deep down that is what I’m used to having been that way for so long. Marrying her was definately a trip down the rabbit hole. Would I give it back? Nope. I would do it… heartache and all… again and again. Why? Because there were good times too… and those are priceless in my mind and heart. Although being alone may be what I know and am familiar with better than most… it’s being lonely that drives me to my moments of insanity. So is being alone my personal blue pill that goes down my gullet in my subconscious? Anything is really possible I suppose… but I need to change it… I need to swallow the red pill… even if it ends my existence in this dreamworld state.
So the question before us all is what we know versus what we don’t… and which do we choose? I want to take the red pill. I don’t want to stay with the familiar and safe… because I’ve been there… done that… got a few t-shirts and divorce papers to prove it. So how do I take the red pill in this? Maybe I should start with making some New Year’s resolutions…
Really… to put it in more of a modern terminology, it’s like The Matrix (the original movie). When Morpheus offers Neo the two pills… the Blue pill and the Red pill. The Blue pill represents the world as you know it… the familiar things, the comfortable known things. The Red pill respresents the world you don’t know… an unknown factor, an adventurous and potentially scary prospect. It goes alot deeper, philosophical arguments that have been made in a number of Matrix Essays written on the subject, but I’m not talking about the deep Buddhist stuff… I’m talking about how people the world over would choose the status quo over the refreshing and new.
The Steff does it, choosing Officer Crumb over the new guy. Christine does it, choosing Louis over the unknown. Monique is contemplating it, choosing Ryan over Mark. So the question becomes why stay with the known over the unknown?
Well, I think its because it is the unknown. There is a fear factor involved there… one which is in our subconscious as opposed to being a conscious thought.
Am I any different? I’m an adrenaline junky… never sure what my next call will be… never knowing where it might take me. Hell… I even participated in both Hurricane Katrina and Hurricane Rita responses. Am I a red piller, going down the rabbit hole every chance I get? I like to think so.
Yet… Pudding once accused me of preferring to be alone… and therefore being a blue piller. Then I doubted her, and told her she was crazy. Now… in hindsight… maybe I do prefer being alone… because deep down that is what I’m used to having been that way for so long. Marrying her was definately a trip down the rabbit hole. Would I give it back? Nope. I would do it… heartache and all… again and again. Why? Because there were good times too… and those are priceless in my mind and heart. Although being alone may be what I know and am familiar with better than most… it’s being lonely that drives me to my moments of insanity. So is being alone my personal blue pill that goes down my gullet in my subconscious? Anything is really possible I suppose… but I need to change it… I need to swallow the red pill… even if it ends my existence in this dreamworld state.
So the question before us all is what we know versus what we don’t… and which do we choose? I want to take the red pill. I don’t want to stay with the familiar and safe… because I’ve been there… done that… got a few t-shirts and divorce papers to prove it. So how do I take the red pill in this? Maybe I should start with making some New Year’s resolutions…
So… Christmas 2005 is coming to a close. Understand what Christmas means to me… it means 24 hours of A Christmas Story on TBS, standing order gifts, smiles, hugs, and an overall good feeling. Tell me where it went wrong…
Friday night I braved the stores for one last run. After getting done with that, I went over to The Steff’s house to a) give her the Christmas gifts I got her and b) put together a futon couch she had bought for her basement apartment. It took an hour, during which we talked about a lot of different things. Officer Crumb decided getting back together with her wasn’t the best idea… and the moron broke up with her again. She was upset, but I really thought she was dealing with it well… a lot better than the last few times.
After that… it was off to the bar with the guys from the FHVAC. I got my usual buzz on with the black and tans… Kenny even came down and we did a few shots… but by 2:45am I was driving into Brooklyn to see The Nick and give her the Christmas gift I got her. Originally, I had bought her a new doorknob since her old one was broken… but then she not only fixed the door, but she bought a new house. So she ended up with a robe she probably doesn’t need, and a gift certificate. She gave me a nice long hug… and then I was off again… this time home to my bed.
So yesterday morning I got up, and brought the bike to the store. It took the professionals over an hour to put together… which means it would have taken me at least 10. Then I ended up going to meet Christine to pick-up the kitchen she had bought for her daughter… which I was actually able to fit in the back of my truck alongside the bike. I took her home… talking about her idiot husband Louis and everything she hates about him, but why she stays with him, and so on. I offered my regular suggestion… leave his ass and runaway with me… and she laughed as usual. So I dragged this kitchen into a storage room in her apartment building’s basement and then I went back to mom’s for a shower.
The Steff came by when I was out and brought me my holiday cherry pie (that’s like our holiday thing… she buys me cherry pie from an AWESOME Italian bakery) and we talked for another hour plus. She was still handling the whole thing with Officer Crumb really well… redistributing his Christmas gifts to the new guy… and then we talked about her friend who also was broken up with and is in a depression. So, I ventured into trying to explain the whole difference between being alone and being lonely. I think she understood what I was trying to say… and that it applies to her as well… but I can never be too sure when it comes to her. Still… after all this time… she has the power to mystify me. Of course, there’s more history there than meets the eye… especially this time of year. Let’s just say… out of all the bricks in the wall… she is definitely the biggest… but also possibly the easiest… because she is the one who does inspire me to write… and I’ve already written my heart to her… so what more is there for me to possibly say?
So then last night DJ and the wolves came over to my mom’s house, and we all hung out, played a lot of games, and ate the traditional German fare of wurst (sausage for you non-germanic tribes). It was traditional for us in many different ways. Of course, it was also pretty out of the ordinary. The Pudding and her new love came over for about 30 minutes for some coffee and a quick gift exchange… and then I saw them all off into the night.
After they departed my family and I sat around and exchanged gifts… and here’s where things went haywire. Every year we have standing order gifts. There’s the usual undergarments, socks, and traditional yearly Christmas ornament. Well, this year I didn’t get one. My brother and father did… but not me. Instead I got a bear with EMT across his chest and a little black medical bag. Okay… I can deal with this… but then tradition breaks once again like a splintering mirror when I open up one of my gifts to find one of my mother’s crazy poems. See, she writes these poems for us on our birthdays. It probably takes her all year to come up with them… but that’s what she does… and no matter how badly we tease her about it… we do appreciate it.
So now here’s this poem… and there’s no ornament… and this just isn’t normal. So… I went to bed. I just did’t care. Then the phone rang… Christine hysterical on the other end because her husband passed out unconscious in a drunken stupor and she was trying to put the kitchen together and was failing miserable. So at 4:45am this morning I was putting together a pink monstrosity as quietly as I could. A billion plastic pieces… and they were really pretty confusing. We talked in hushed tone briefly… once he got up to go to the bathroom, saw me and obviously thought about saying something… but I guess decided against it and went back to bed. I got done around 6:00, and left her on the couch where she had fallen asleep. But hey… I was nice… and I covered her with a blanket… and yes… I did kiss her on the forehead. As I was going out the door, he lunged after me from behind and sent me crashing face first into the hallway.
Needless to say… at 6:05 am this morning the fists were flying. I walked away from it with a few bruises and sores. He caught the worse end of it. So when I got home, I see Christine called my phone. I probably didn’t hear it ring, but she left me a voicemail. Well, not to quote her or anything, but I was not “happy with yourself for totally ruining this Christmas for me and my family and I never want to talk to you again.” Okay… now things have really gone south. Christine is, and probably always will be my first true love. Even before my first fiance’ Peppermint Patty… this girl had a piece of my heart. When that miserable thing she called a husband married her… he PURPOSEFULLY did it on my birthday. Yep… that piece of s*it married my true love on my birthday. Is it any wonder why we don’t get along? But I digress… so after hearing the message I decide hey, ya know what… someone cancelled Christmas this year and forgot to tell me.
This morning (well 11:00am is still considered morning right), my mom comes into my room all upset. She is handling my divorce from Pudding worse than I am… I think. She feels I’m still all ripped up inside, and that I’m sad, and she just wants me to be happy. Right… someone tell me when am I NOT all ripped up inside please? But, of course I can’t tell her this… because she’s already crying. So we spent half an hour talking… well ok, her talking and me listening… and I tried to reassure its ok… and its for the best… and that marrying Pudding was a mistake I made in a bad state of mind (we got married November 3, 2001) coming out of the three days I spent down at the Ground Zero… and I’m past it. I reassured her I wasn’t having any suicidal tendencies… even though I’ve been prone to those since I was 14 years old, but more recently I’ve been having the homicidal ones between Crumb and Louis… and she gave me an ornament. Ok… so maybe it is really Christmas.
This afternoon, I went to The Puddings house to see DJ and bring him the helmet for the bike Santa brought him… got ignored most of the time in favor for The Family Guy DVD set… and left. I came home, ate dinner, watched The Brothers Grimm, cracked a bottle of Merlot, and watched Modern Marvels:Walt Disney World instead of the rest of A Christmas Story marathon (one more tradition circles the drain)… during which I had a brief conversation with The Nick about maybe going out tonight (yeah, right)… and The Steff who I texted first “Merry Christmas, blah blah blah”, then she texts me back something, I replied, and then she texts me that she was sad today… meaning she wasn’t handling the whole Officer Crumb thing as well as I thought… but she was drinking in her basement with some of her friends so she couldn’t have been that badly off.
So here I am… Christmas is over… I am alone… and lonely as all hell. One of the things that kills me about everything is that people like Christine and The Steff come to me and talk to me… and ask me for advice on their lives. LOOK AT MY OWN!!! I can’t even do what’s right for me… and what’s worse is I can barely take my own advice… like with The Steff… I told her tomorrow’s a new day… don’t let Crumb ruin it… but to be honest, I could care less about tomorrow for me… because it looks to be as empty to me as today is. What’s the point… well, maybe today I’ll be able to carry out some of those homicidal tendencies. That’s a bright side.
So where did it all go so wrong???
And all that merry cal my little droogies, all that cal…
Friday night I braved the stores for one last run. After getting done with that, I went over to The Steff’s house to a) give her the Christmas gifts I got her and b) put together a futon couch she had bought for her basement apartment. It took an hour, during which we talked about a lot of different things. Officer Crumb decided getting back together with her wasn’t the best idea… and the moron broke up with her again. She was upset, but I really thought she was dealing with it well… a lot better than the last few times.
After that… it was off to the bar with the guys from the FHVAC. I got my usual buzz on with the black and tans… Kenny even came down and we did a few shots… but by 2:45am I was driving into Brooklyn to see The Nick and give her the Christmas gift I got her. Originally, I had bought her a new doorknob since her old one was broken… but then she not only fixed the door, but she bought a new house. So she ended up with a robe she probably doesn’t need, and a gift certificate. She gave me a nice long hug… and then I was off again… this time home to my bed.
So yesterday morning I got up, and brought the bike to the store. It took the professionals over an hour to put together… which means it would have taken me at least 10. Then I ended up going to meet Christine to pick-up the kitchen she had bought for her daughter… which I was actually able to fit in the back of my truck alongside the bike. I took her home… talking about her idiot husband Louis and everything she hates about him, but why she stays with him, and so on. I offered my regular suggestion… leave his ass and runaway with me… and she laughed as usual. So I dragged this kitchen into a storage room in her apartment building’s basement and then I went back to mom’s for a shower.
The Steff came by when I was out and brought me my holiday cherry pie (that’s like our holiday thing… she buys me cherry pie from an AWESOME Italian bakery) and we talked for another hour plus. She was still handling the whole thing with Officer Crumb really well… redistributing his Christmas gifts to the new guy… and then we talked about her friend who also was broken up with and is in a depression. So, I ventured into trying to explain the whole difference between being alone and being lonely. I think she understood what I was trying to say… and that it applies to her as well… but I can never be too sure when it comes to her. Still… after all this time… she has the power to mystify me. Of course, there’s more history there than meets the eye… especially this time of year. Let’s just say… out of all the bricks in the wall… she is definitely the biggest… but also possibly the easiest… because she is the one who does inspire me to write… and I’ve already written my heart to her… so what more is there for me to possibly say?
So then last night DJ and the wolves came over to my mom’s house, and we all hung out, played a lot of games, and ate the traditional German fare of wurst (sausage for you non-germanic tribes). It was traditional for us in many different ways. Of course, it was also pretty out of the ordinary. The Pudding and her new love came over for about 30 minutes for some coffee and a quick gift exchange… and then I saw them all off into the night.
After they departed my family and I sat around and exchanged gifts… and here’s where things went haywire. Every year we have standing order gifts. There’s the usual undergarments, socks, and traditional yearly Christmas ornament. Well, this year I didn’t get one. My brother and father did… but not me. Instead I got a bear with EMT across his chest and a little black medical bag. Okay… I can deal with this… but then tradition breaks once again like a splintering mirror when I open up one of my gifts to find one of my mother’s crazy poems. See, she writes these poems for us on our birthdays. It probably takes her all year to come up with them… but that’s what she does… and no matter how badly we tease her about it… we do appreciate it.
So now here’s this poem… and there’s no ornament… and this just isn’t normal. So… I went to bed. I just did’t care. Then the phone rang… Christine hysterical on the other end because her husband passed out unconscious in a drunken stupor and she was trying to put the kitchen together and was failing miserable. So at 4:45am this morning I was putting together a pink monstrosity as quietly as I could. A billion plastic pieces… and they were really pretty confusing. We talked in hushed tone briefly… once he got up to go to the bathroom, saw me and obviously thought about saying something… but I guess decided against it and went back to bed. I got done around 6:00, and left her on the couch where she had fallen asleep. But hey… I was nice… and I covered her with a blanket… and yes… I did kiss her on the forehead. As I was going out the door, he lunged after me from behind and sent me crashing face first into the hallway.
Needless to say… at 6:05 am this morning the fists were flying. I walked away from it with a few bruises and sores. He caught the worse end of it. So when I got home, I see Christine called my phone. I probably didn’t hear it ring, but she left me a voicemail. Well, not to quote her or anything, but I was not “happy with yourself for totally ruining this Christmas for me and my family and I never want to talk to you again.” Okay… now things have really gone south. Christine is, and probably always will be my first true love. Even before my first fiance’ Peppermint Patty… this girl had a piece of my heart. When that miserable thing she called a husband married her… he PURPOSEFULLY did it on my birthday. Yep… that piece of s*it married my true love on my birthday. Is it any wonder why we don’t get along? But I digress… so after hearing the message I decide hey, ya know what… someone cancelled Christmas this year and forgot to tell me.
This morning (well 11:00am is still considered morning right), my mom comes into my room all upset. She is handling my divorce from Pudding worse than I am… I think. She feels I’m still all ripped up inside, and that I’m sad, and she just wants me to be happy. Right… someone tell me when am I NOT all ripped up inside please? But, of course I can’t tell her this… because she’s already crying. So we spent half an hour talking… well ok, her talking and me listening… and I tried to reassure its ok… and its for the best… and that marrying Pudding was a mistake I made in a bad state of mind (we got married November 3, 2001) coming out of the three days I spent down at the Ground Zero… and I’m past it. I reassured her I wasn’t having any suicidal tendencies… even though I’ve been prone to those since I was 14 years old, but more recently I’ve been having the homicidal ones between Crumb and Louis… and she gave me an ornament. Ok… so maybe it is really Christmas.
This afternoon, I went to The Puddings house to see DJ and bring him the helmet for the bike Santa brought him… got ignored most of the time in favor for The Family Guy DVD set… and left. I came home, ate dinner, watched The Brothers Grimm, cracked a bottle of Merlot, and watched Modern Marvels:Walt Disney World instead of the rest of A Christmas Story marathon (one more tradition circles the drain)… during which I had a brief conversation with The Nick about maybe going out tonight (yeah, right)… and The Steff who I texted first “Merry Christmas, blah blah blah”, then she texts me back something, I replied, and then she texts me that she was sad today… meaning she wasn’t handling the whole Officer Crumb thing as well as I thought… but she was drinking in her basement with some of her friends so she couldn’t have been that badly off.
So here I am… Christmas is over… I am alone… and lonely as all hell. One of the things that kills me about everything is that people like Christine and The Steff come to me and talk to me… and ask me for advice on their lives. LOOK AT MY OWN!!! I can’t even do what’s right for me… and what’s worse is I can barely take my own advice… like with The Steff… I told her tomorrow’s a new day… don’t let Crumb ruin it… but to be honest, I could care less about tomorrow for me… because it looks to be as empty to me as today is. What’s the point… well, maybe today I’ll be able to carry out some of those homicidal tendencies. That’s a bright side.
So where did it all go so wrong???
And all that merry cal my little droogies, all that cal…
