So it turns out that Phil is in a bit of a bind. He is looking for places to do his Post Doctorate work before needing to get a real job. One of the options he has laid out is none other than New York City… which just so happens to be my hometown. So now I need to make a case for my city for someone who wants to slowly insinuate himself into the world with that brand new PHD at the end of his name.
Clocks. Sure everyone always talks about the world’s most famous clock being Big Ben… and granted he’s a big one. Still, we have clocks too. Clocks of all kinds… digital, analog, non-traditional numeric set-up, and of course we have big face clocks like this one that is in SoHo. The thing about clocks in New York is that they have a special setting known as “New York Minute”. Yes… we have an increment of time named after us. Whereas in a normal day there are 1,440 minutes in a day… here in New York we have 2,880 minutes. We are a city so big and moving so fast that the Laws of Time and Space do not exist here. What exists is the Laws of Crack Smoking and Caffeine which speeds everything up. Therefore we are able to cram much more into a day as a normal human being… which includes both more time for drinking, womanizing, and of course studying. If by some chance you actually think you’d end up spending your newfound time studying or grading papers… well right there is the Law of Crack Smoking in action. Before you get a job in the “real world”… you need to live a “real life”… and we give you the time to do it… and plenty of undergrads who will do your work for you at the right price (usually a six pack of beer or two… the cheap stuff).
We are a diverse city. We have representation from pretty much every nation on the planet INCLUDING Antarctica ( I have been assured that the penguins in the Central Park Zoo count towards that nation number) which very few cities can compete with. In fact, we are so diverse, we also have people from other galaxies living within our fine borders ( I have been assured that the movie Men In Black is actually a bio-pic under a fictional guise to fund the Alien Defense Fund ) who contribute to our sense of inter-stellarality. Of course, having so many people from so many different origins, we need to be able to deliver the news from around the universe. We do it quite well out of this little shop. Now granted, a PHD like yourself would probably want home delivery… but there’s something nice about going out and being able to pick-up the latest editions of People, Time, Mathematicians Monthly, TV Guide, and a Fleshlight all at the same time in a one stop shop experience. The shady looking guy walking in? That’s Eduardo. He’s just there for the sex toys in the back because he is illiterate. Don’t pay attention to him… and whatever you do… DO NOT make eye contact. I can’t be held responsible if you do. Like I said… he’s illiterate… and PHD doesn’t mean anything to him.
But hey… let’s face it… news is depressing shit. Who wants to read it? Although it is masochistic behaviour to do so… well there is a remedy once you are done. That remedy is of course to go drinking. Now unless I am wrong… both of the competing cities are in country’s that are led by a Queen, right? Have you ever wondered why? Well the answer is right here… because we, dear Phil, have the King’s Head. Yep. We got crown… and as foamy as it may be now… we won’t be giving it up. If you though time was flying already… well you obviously haven’t seen anything yet… because once your into one of our watering holes then time suddenly vanishes. *POOF*. Isn’t that a nifty trick! One minute its Friday night… the next minute its Monday morning. That’s a sure fire way to kill some time and make things move a little faster… although it can also make it a bit blurrier. Best part of it all? These types of places are all over the city. Literally.
Of course the one thing no one counts on when coming out of one of our finer drinking establishments is the hunger factor. Other cities will off you “New York Style Pizza” or “New York Bagels” but I hate to tell you… they aren’t from New York. When you finally get rolled out of the bar and into the gutter there’s only one place to go for both quick sobriety and to quell the hunger pains from your belly that have been going on for the last week, which was when you started your liquid diet at the tavern, and that place is the local bagelry. Now I have to be honest… I am partial to Murray’s Bagels because he is right next door to a Jamba Juice that regularly gives out free samples… but there are plenty of bagelry stores to get from. Nothing says, “I got more than a buzz and I have a final in 2 hours,” than a nice onion bagel that has come fresh from the oven and smothered with lox… I assure you.
However there is one thing that you will need for your post Doctorate work more than anything else. No, I’m not talking about a stethoscope. No, I’m not talking about that new scientific calculator that you can use with your mind. I am talking about this little molecular gem right here… caffeine. Yes Phil, we here in the city that never sleeps will be able to provide you copious amounts of this little wonder. With enough of it your New York Minutes will turn into New York Weeks. You’ll discover the joys of the sunrise over a crisp and relatively empty city street… and it will get you through the traumatic stampede of the herd of humans at sunset. Caffeine will be your friend through thick and thin. It is a huge part of the city. It plays a bigger part in academic achievement here… and the school you are looking at knows this.
Which is why they were wise enough to put a Dunkin’ Donuts into the school’s food gallery. Yes… that’s right Phil… your school has its own in house Dunkin’ Donuts. If it hasn’t been obvious how the Laws of Crack Smoking and Caffeine dominate the region, nay, the very culture of the city… then it should be obvious now. The truth is that they say, “If you can make it there… you can make it anywhere.” What they really mean to say is, “If you can drink enough caffeine there without your heart bursting out of your chest, then you can drink caffeine anywhere and dominate.” Coffee is of course not your only recourse. You can get a Coolatta on the hot days… a Milky Way hot chocolate on the cold days… and caffeinated tea of your choice every single day of the week! How much cooler does it get then that? It doesn’t. In fact… if anything… it’s only about to get hotter here.
Now dear Phil… if those aren’t good enough reasons… I have one final attempt to convince you to come here with the shiny PHD behind your name. I know your all about spooning with cats… but I have to be honest… in the city things get hot… and when they get hot they burn… and I assure you we have the best firefighters than any other city in the world…
categories: Blogging Personal The Steff The City
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