On Friday I posted a story known as The Alligator River Story and asked everyone for their opinions on the characters who were involved. The results, as always, were very interesting. You can read the original story and answers here before continuing if you would like.

Before I continue though I just want to make it clear that this is in fact just a story. In fact, it is a relatively popular story used in many different places for a variety of purposes. While it has been no secret I am a fan of PostSecret, it is worthwhile to note that if you read enough of the PostSecret Secrets you will in all likelihood find your secret already in there… whether you’ve sent in a postcard or not. Situations are not necessarily as unique as you may think they are.

My List

So now here is my list of the characters from most despicable to least objectionable:

1) Ivan - The reason I find Ivan the most despicable character is because he did nothing to help resolve the situation. He did not take action nor did he offer advice on a problem brought to him by, of all people, a friend. In my opinion he failed not only as a friend, but as a member of society.

2) Abigail - The reason I have Abigail second is because she is the active catalyst for the whole problem. She was selfish and desired something for herself (to be with Gregory), and because the only way to do that would have been through immoral action, she chose that over her morals and the feelings of others. Furthermore, her selfish act was obviously not thought through and she therefore blamed Gregory unjustly for his negative reaction, when in fact his feelings were not taken into consideration during her original decision.

3) Gregory - I hold Gregory to task, but not because of what is in the story. While I do not condone his actions, I can understand his reactions to Abigail‘s deeds. She has quite literally betrayed him on all levels for her selfish gain. I believe Gregory is accountable because at no time did he try to get to her or have her brought to him. He in effect abandoned her as a lover, but more importantly as a friend because he failed to try to understand her point of view and needs.

4) Sinbad - Aside from Sinbad making an indecent proposal, he really is not guilty of anything. He is a riverboat captain who is running a business. He set his price for his service, and would not perform it unless he was paid. He was neither a friend nor foe, and to him this was business. Once he was paid, he performed the service and was done.

5) Slug - I believe my exact quote when the discussion about this happened was, ”Slug is the man!” It is important to note that Slug is NOT mentioned as a friend, and that Abigail did NOT promise to sleep with him or live with him. He is brought a problem, perceives it as an injustice, and then DOES SOMETHING about it. Granted, perhaps WHAT he does is NOT the best thing to do, but at least he took action. He did not abandon the stranger with her problem, and he did so without promise for compensation.

Arguments

In the actual exercise, we would verbally argue why we felt a character was either the most despicable or least objectionable. Here are some arguments for each character culled from comments here and at Squeaky Wheels Seeks Grease who also posted the same story.

Abigail

Miss Ann Thrope says: 1. Abigail - While it was nice of her to inform Gregory of what she did, she’s a dumb bitch for doing it. Retaliating because of a situation she brought upon herself is ignorant. I find her behaviour immoral.

Avi says: 5. Abigail - she was a bit of a bitch for laughing, but the fucker deserved it.

Gregory

Dave2 says: Gregory’s act of violence and insensitivity to somebody whose actions were dictated by their love for him was returned in more violence. This only goes to prove that violence begets violence, and always does more harm than good.

Squeaky Wheel says: Last, we have Gregory. His rank is a little blurred, but he had what I feel is kind of a fair reaction to the situation…Abigail slept with someone for passage across the river, and Gregory was appalled that her love for him wasn’t strong enough to keep her chaste. I have to wonder why he didn’t try harder to cross the river, but we can probably assume that he’s a bit of an idiot. Smacking Abigail was a little bit of an overreaction, perhaps, but it wasn’t a crime worthy of the punishment he received later. For the biggest retribution for the smallest transgression, Gregory’s at the bottom.

Ivan

NYCWD says: 1) Ivan - The reason I find Ivan the most despicable character is because he did nothing to help resolve the situation. He did not take action nor did he offer advice on a problem brought to him by, of all people, a friend. In my opinion he failed not only as a friend, but as a member of society.

Girl Dislocated says: Ivan - I ranked him as the least objectionable character because I don’t think he owned a boat, and I don’t think Abigail was trying to get a ride from him. Ivan is referred to as a friend, not a “riverboat captain.” If he was a riverboat captain in addition to being a friend, Abigail would have approached him before she approached Sinbad. Ivan refusing to get involved does not necessarily mean he owned a boat and refused to give her a ride. Maybe she asked him to do to Sinbad what Slug did to Gregory? Even if he did own a boat, refusing to get involved in Abigail’s problem is not as immoral as benefiting from it, as Sinbad did. (DISCLAIMER: This was apparently written under the influence of Nyquil, so if it seems manical to you, that’s why. It seemed very very very reasonable to me)

Sinbad

Miss Britt says: 1 - Sinbad - cannot tolerate a man who takes advantage of a woman. Period. Sinbad was clearly a slimeball.

Poppy says: 4 - Sinbad for requesting something unreasonable of Abigail, turning her into a whore.

Slug

Cap says: 1. Slug - He took advantage of the entire situation. He made himself a hero to Abigail by defending her - but his first reaction was brutal violence. And then he felt it was okay that Abigail laughed at Gregory - who he just beat the shit out of.

Hay says: 4) Slug. At least he had some compassion, and Gregory did have it coming. Granted he’s thinking with his penis…but perhaps Abigail was the only woman on that side of the river? I’m giving him the benefit o the doubt. Besides you have to feel for the guy, cause you know Abigail is going to screw him over eventually. Poor bastard.

Quick Statistics

There were a total of 14 sets of answers. Their total scores listing them as LEAST OBJECTIONABLE to MOST OFFENSIVE out of a total possible score of 70 are:

1) Ivan - 58 or a fault percentage of 18%
2) Sinbad - 45 or a fault percentage of 36%
3) Slug - 37 - or a fault percentage of 53%
3) Gregory - 37 or a fault percentage of 53%
5) Abigail - 29 or a fault percentage of 59%

These results are really very interesting considering at least (but probably more… Ibex throws me for a loop, as does Jess) 50% of the respondents were women. The fact that the vast majority of participants felt Abigail‘s actions were so reprehensible and Ivan was almost saintly is telling of the morals and values of the community and what it is that they value. It would seem that obviously they value loyalty and non-involvement over betrayal and meddling… or do they?

So do you want the correct answer now? Then look below the fold…

The correct answer is:

1) Alligator
2) Alligator
3) Alligator
4) Alligator
5) Alligator

Don’t believe me? Well… your right… that is the correct answer for the “out-of-the-box” thinkers. The truth is there is no “correct” answer. Its really a question of morals, values, and personality. As I mentioned, this was an industry specific conference. What was interesting to note was that the strong majority of field personnel cast Ivan as the worst, office personnel cast Slug as the worst, and upper management cast Abigail as the worst. Upper management’s reasoning was that because she was morally inept, she could not be trusted to do the right thing. The office personnel’s reasoning was that he meddled where he did not belong. The field personnel’s reasoning was, as I said, he did nothing to help a friend… much less someone in need.

What do I do for a living again? Oh right… I’m a meddler. I’m technically Slug. Some people may have the concept that we only respond when called, but that isn’t always true. Too many times have drunkards come across our path on their way to getting hit by a car or worse. We stop it. We meddle. The law requires us to. In the comments Avi made mention of the Holocaust happening because no one meddled. Actually, when this story was modernized from the original King Solomon tale, Ivan was specifically chosen… because of what had happened in Russia with the Czar, before Hitler and the Third Reich. So his analogy is not unfounded at all… and yes, this is an old story.

In the end, I believe, it comes to the understanding that not everyone can be a Slug, and that just because someone is an Ivan doesn’t make them necessarily wrong… just different. Just as it makes a Gregory and a Sinbad different… and even Abigail who isn’t necessarily in the wrong if your standing in her shoes looking across the river at the one man she wants to be with more than anything in the world. I assure you, that unless when they use the name Sinbad they were talking about burnt-out comedians, her night was not an enjoyable one… unless she was into old, grizzled, fish smelling men with snaggle tooths.

The results would indicate that there are a whole lotta Ivans out here. So how can a Slug get along with an Ivan? It’s really all about acknowledging that people are different, not necessarily wrong. It’s one of the inherent joys of the internet… meeting people who are different and who may challenge your morals and ideas… maybe even change them from exposing you to something from a different point of view or vice-versa.

Having read everyone’s reasoning, would your list remain the same? The other question becomes of course… which character are you?

Oh… and the baseball bat… yeah… I threw that part in. Vicious sounding isn’t it?