Today was a shuttle day.  Here is a conversation I had with one of my drivers:

Me: Mornin’ Jesus (pronounced Hey-sues).

Jesus: Gush mernin. Tabisha bugool le jergoo kershi bolina en Brooklyn.

Me: English?

Jesus: (Looks at me with his head tilted to the side like a puppy who MAY recognize his name)

Me: Hold on.  (Dialing cellphone)

AT&T Universal Translation Service: Hello, this is AT&T Universal Translation Service, may I have your account number?

Me: Account number 970-eye-en-why-eh

AT&T: Thank you.  Is this Shuttle Commander Dog?

Me: Yes.  I need a translation quickly.

AT&T: Sure.  The going rate as you know is $49.99 per minute plus tax.  If you’re okay with that then just answer yes in English and then you can put the non-English speaking party on the phone.

Me: Yes. (Hands phone to Jesus)

Jesus: Gush mernin. Tabisha bugool le jergoo kershi bolina en Brooklyn. (Hands me back the phone)

Me: Well?

AT&T: It is computing.  We are running the sentence through our translators right now.  Please hold. (Annoying hold music is playing)

Jesus: Tabisha bugool le jergoo kershi bolina en Brooklyn.

Me: Hold on Jesus, they’re figuring out what language you speak.

22 minutes later…

AT&T: Hello, Shuttle Commander?

Me: Yes!  Hi!  What took so long?

AT&T: We had a small challenge deciphering the dialect.

Me: Well okay, what is he saying?

AT&T: He asked if you would like a non-kosher bagel with bologna from Brooklyn.  Will there be anything else?

Me: No, that’s fine. (Looking at Jesus and shaking my head no)

AT&T: Thanks for using AT&T today.  Your total comes out to $1,180.67.  Have a nice day.

Me: Wait!  You mean you charged me while I was on hold that entire time?

AT&T: Yes sir, we did as per the standing agreement.  Unfortunately our Swahili translator was in the bathroom with the runs.  Bad beans.

Me: Well ask them if they want to buy an $1100 bagel to bind them up.

AT&T: If it was kosher you might have had a taker.

Yeah… welcome to my mornings.