It hadn’t even occurred to me that you would perceive that others are looking at you differently or as “damaged”.  I hope that as the week wears on, people will relax more when they realize you just want to do your job.

I can imagine a number of things someone may be thinking when they hear you’ve lost a child, but “damaged” isn’t one of them. Could it be that you & Pudding are misinterpreting what their look means? I hope that is the case.

The bookstore thing sounds like much needed anonymity.
You are in my thoughts often.

Could the looks you are receiving be shock and sympathy?  Most people have no idea how to react to someone who has had such a tremendous loss in their lives.  A lot of people immediately identify, “what if it was my child”, “how would I be holding up?”

I think Trish made an important point - the loss of a child is something the rest of us who have never had the horror of experiencing - and I think it’s human nature to immediately think of themselves in your place.  I hope though, that things calm down in this regard, particularly if the looks are making your life any more stressful/upsetting than it has to be right now.

"Damaged” is how you feel, not how they are looking at you. Humans tend to try and empathize with a fellow human’s pain, and in cases of tremendous loss, we simply do not know how to do that, so we turn it to sympathy. I am sure there is something that makes them a tad afraid that you will lose it in front of them while speaking about it, they regret maybe asking so many questions and wonder what they would do should you begin to lose it, but I don’t think they see you as damaged; not like you feel it. While, their sympathy can be exhausting to you and to Pudding, it is because they truly care. I think it’s nice that you can go and be anonymous. Minus the sympathetic looks or words. Maybe that is something you should share with Pudding, too, so she can feel that amount of “normalcy”.

I’m new to your blogs- now I’m addicted. I actually heard of your tragedy thru another blog- as a parent, I think and pray about you every day. Truely, I do.
You’ll probably see me comment regularly, and you definitly have my vote- cereal Wednesday is classic.
Luv you man.

I don’t think anyone knows or even thinks that you are damaged.  You and Pudding are going through some tough times (to put it mildely) and you two may “feel” damaged.  I think just give them another week or so and people will looking at the two of you like you’re going break into 1000 little pieces in front of them.  they are only looking like that cause most of us wouldn’t know how to handle it.

keep your chin up.

((hugs))

We don’t know what to do for people who have lost a loved one.  We want to help, don’t know how, and most of us have lost at least someone in our lifetimes so we project our own experience onto yours and then realize we couldn’t even imagine your pain, and get caught up in that.

That said, I’m willing and able to pretend for your sake like everything is fine, like there isn’t a void, and just be your blog buddy.  The day I put my original (boobs) avatar back was the day I stopped looking at you as damaged, because I thought that was unfair of me.

Oh, I’m making no sense now.  Typical.  Somehow in my head boobs = end of mourning.  Silly.

I think most peole just dont know how to react. I have children myself, and of course this kind of tragedy is the wprst a parent could live through.

It’s hard to sya the right words at the right time. Had you both been curling in a ball on the floor, or smashing a store up or crying in the middle of the road, I’d know how to react. I’d get you off the floor, feed you, bring some more plates to smash or offer a tissue.

When you are calm on the outside, it’s hard to do something, anything, but just look at you, and jump in as soon as you need some help or a shoulder to cry on.

what Jane said.  she’s very wise you know.

I do not react well when someone tells me something bad.  I probably give that look you are discribing. 

I will work on that.  The last thing I would hate to do is make someone feel worse than they already do.

Thank you.

The thing that gets me is when people say, “Oh, how terrible. I don’t think I could survive a situation like that if it happened to me!” It makes me want to smack them. (Boy, I never realized how much that bugged me.) In a way, it is almost like they are trying to elevate you, but if they were in the same shoes, they would really only have two choices themselves - die or keep on living. And the way we honor the ones we love is to keep on living.

I understand the looks you are talking about also. People do view you in a way that you are “damaged”. Even if I talk about my sister now, I get that look. Don’t think of it as a defect on your part though. They just don’t understand and are struggling with the right thing to say. And sometimes people will say the wrong things. My dad’s supervisor said to him, “You will be over it (my sister’s death) in a year, though, right?” My dad still gets angry about that, because it is something we will probably never be over. We just learn to cope better with our loss over time. And as time goes on, the look from your coworkers will fade as well. They sort of...forget, even though you never will.

I found this quote from Doris Roberts, which I posted on my other blog, Laurianne’s Hope, and it really kind of said to for me.

You have an opportunity when a person dies who is so close to you to lie down and die with them or start another life. It is new. It is different. It won’t be the same.

But really, people will never understand, until they have stepped in those shoes themselves.

Maybe your ass is just really, really hot, and they’re looking at that.  That’s what I’d look at.

I bet people aren’t thinking “damaged” when they look at you guys, I’m betting the look is more “what the hell can I possibly say and if I say it will it hurt them worse.” People are probably unsure what’s the “correct” thing to say. 

As for the anon. feeling at the bookstore, I bet it’s a huge relief. 

Hugs!

What’s damaged can be repaired, Dawg. There may always be a fragile feeling and a rawness, but you learn to live with that.  I sometimes felt so angry that the rest of world just kept going on as though nothing had changed.

Take care *hugs*

For sure it will be hard going back to work but each day will get easier.  The looks will fade and soon you’ll just be the fat guy they love working with again!

((HUGS))

Yeah, I don’t think it’s ‘damaged’ either...just not knowing what to say to make it better.  People just.don’t.know.  It will get easier...again, with time.  For them, & for you.  just believe… and hey, maybe Avi’s right - maybe it IS your ass. 

Damaged is not a word I would pick for you at all. I don’t know you from a hole in the ground but in the last month I say the words I have are more like: honest, tremendous and strong.

I don’t know how you do it.

Dog, being “damaged” is part of being a human being - so said a very good friend of mine to me recently.  People look at you like that because most people cannot fathom the loss of a child.  I think you are doing remarkably well given all that has gone on lately. 

Much love to you Dog. 

Since I am unable to fathom the depth of your loss..the magnitude of your grief..nor the abundance of your pain there is little I can say that will bring you comfort.
You don’t know me...I don’t know you...but I do know you are wounded right now…
May you receive unexpected healing..in unexpected ways..by unexpected people..

Like a bird
Singing in the rain,
Let grateful memories
Survive in time of sorrow.
— Robert Louis Stevenson

Alle(aka:HersheyKissMs)

Well everyone else did a great job of saying it...and I too think they don’t mean to look at you in that way, they are just shocked and slightly overcome with the decision of what to say next. They don’t know how to act etc.

I’m thinking of you Dawg, you are one brave soul.

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