Fuck, I wish I knew that.

I (obviously) have no problem expressing myself.  But my husband is the polar opposite of me in that department.

Unfortunately, writing isn’t really much easier for him than speaking.

You know, the one way I’ve seen him try to communicate tht positively makes him light up with the thrill of “getting it” is through music.  And not his own.  But he FEELS music, and there have been times when he’s played a song for me and said “that, that right there, that’s what I would say if I could.”

P.S.  Of course there are times immediately after where he says “um… well, not that part exactly.  No, honey, don’t cry, that’s not what I meant.  Not THAT part!!”

My method is currently 3 months in, with 3 more to go.  But I know how you feel about this method, so I won’t recommend it.

My husband and I often communicate through emails.  We can talk to each other, too, it’s just that sometimes it is easier to compose your thoughts on paper or computer.  Also some things we can’t say things out loud with the kids in the room.  Those times are when we text each other even if we are sitting in the same room.

My boyfriend and I communicate via emails usually through out the day and it seems to help us keep in contact and update each other on little and big things.  We do talk through the day but it doesn’t always work due to our different schedules.

Those are good ideas. I need to learn them.
I tend to be pretty quiet and mellow, so when I BLOW UP once a year, that seems to be pretty effective? Ha-ha.

I have a blank journal fetish as well, but since the day I found out as a teen that my parents had read and photocopied all of my journals and diaries, I haven’t been able to write a single word in any of them. (Doesn’t stop me from buying more though!)

As for communication, unless I simply can’t contain myself, I prefer to communicate in writing. Not only does it allow me to express myself better, but it keeps me from saying something on the spur of the moment or out of anger that I’ll later regret.  Also, when I was with my ex, writing to him instead of speaking to him and making him read it when I wasn’t there was very effective in that he couldn’t tune me out, interrupt me, or try to intimidate me into shutting up.  I don’t know if any of that is applicable to your friends’ relationship, but those are the advantages I see in written communication.  I have to add the disclaimer that I’m in no position to be giving advice on the subject. The one relationhsip I’ve ever been in is defunct.

Maybe Miss Ann Thrope, Love Doctor Of Teh Interwebs will grace us with her insights.

As if my comment wasn’t long enough, I also had to tell you that I dreamt your truck got towed.  You weren’t in the dream, and I don’t know if you own a truck or not, but my entire 1 minute dream was about a truck getting towed, and in my dream I was sure it was yours. 

I missed that one.  I need a partner...DawgAnn Inc., Love Doctors Of Teh Interwebs perhaps?

Ya know, I’m stunned I missed it though.  I am a good little communicator in that I will tell you exactly how I feel good or bad but my ex-asshole can’t string two cohesive words together...it was hell trying to talk to him.  So for him, he used to copy song lyrics and send them to me...he was a wannabe rockstar...he used other people’s words.

Sometimes that was nice but it was kinda fucked that he couldn’t think for himself.

Obviously, that was a truly horrifying, I guess you could call it a relationship...although I think I was the only one having it.

Writing letters is a great alternative way. 

But my big thing with communication is name calling.  It’s a killer.  Writing makes you have to think rather than scream “YOU’RE A FUCKING LOSER!” when you know it’s not really true and that you will live to regret it.

As far back as I can remember I’ve had real, deep, social anxiety, much like the one you describe.  A complete inability to talk to certain people in person, and when I did talk it was awkward.  This extended to the point that I completely avoided people.  Thankfully I do well in a profession where I talk via the keyboard.

So I excelled in avoidance, and got really good at burying myself in computer games and house projects.

Sadly this social anxiety followed me into my marriage.  I avoided people that meant so much to my wife, and she made excuses for my absence.  I also had issues talking to my wife, and eventually we just stopped talking altogether.  She turned to others to communicate and I delved further into games and projects.

So now my marriage is dying, and only now have I truly realized the social anxiety that has plagued me.  Your blog post is apt as I am going through the same struggle myself.

I’ve turned to a counselor and have started doing a lot of reading into how to verbally communicate.  I think it’s better to tackle the true problem.  Such anxiety can be overcome!  And certainly there is no better way to talk to someone then face to face.  Humans are social creatures, and other ways to communicate always fail to convey enough meaning.  We all prefer to be told “I love you” face-to-face instead of through email or a card.

I’ve discovered that so many have this issue, and when you look, there are so many resources available to help you overcome the inability to speak.  Avail yourself of them.

For me, such change is probably too little too late, and after 10 years the one I love no longer wishes to be be by my side as we slide towards divorce.  However, I have a lot of life left to live, and I refuse to let my inability to speak plague me into any relationship I have going forward.

Talking is a wonderful skill that we aren’t born with, but which I am learning can be, well, learned :^)

I’m late to the party… again!

I would have to say that I’m a bit like Miss Britt’s husband, except that I would play my saxophone and serenade my WHH (he’d go into the bedroom and close the door because I’m too fucking loud).  So, I can’t do that anymore because of my dorky-ass neck.  Dammit!  I still feel 30 inside, but my body says, “No way, sistah!  Give it up!”

Anyway… I’ve also done the same thing as “Mr. Britt” when a song is playing and the “good” part is coming up.  I have to tell him, “Baby, I always think of you when I hear this.” I just did that last week, and he replied, “Maybe you should come to bed now.” This would be one of the reasons why I refer to him as my “Way-Hot Husband”.

We also email the very heavy stuff, or apologies (usually from me to him because I’m an idiot).  It serves to break the ice, and gives each of us some time to think things over before we see each other again.  These days, he doesn’t travel as much, but we still email when something is weighing on our minds.

The other thing that WHH is wonderful at is leaving me little notes here and there.  It makes me feel so good to read them.  Why is it that I never think to do the same for him?  It only takes a few seconds, but it really makes my day.

Hay… If you’ve actually made it through this comment… please don’t give up on your marriage.  Sometimes the shit really hits the fan, but if you can work through it as a couple, you’ll be rewarded ten-fold.

OK, I just wrote a blog post here, and I haven’t written one for my own blog in, I don’t know, 2 weeks?  I’ve got to get my act together!

“If you try to do it when an irreparable rift is already there, your only prolonging the inevitable and possibly damaging whatever you might have left… so its important to do it from day one.”

I can’t argue your point here because you are absolutely correct.  You’ve got to be willing to share SOMETHING about your feelings to the special one you love, or you’re just gonna be ALONE

I suck at communication. Hard to believe I know. If I had my way everything would be written. I can write. I can type. I can not tell you to your face that you have pissed me off.

I don’t know why. I think it stems back to my lousy childhood and being encouraged to be quiet. Then later getting the shit kicked out of me if I spoke at the wrong time.

I’ve always been a writer. So that is my outlet to talk to the husband.

He *hates* it but he deals with it because he knows I’m more comfortable dealing that way. Gotta love the guy.

Like Miss Britt, I wish I knew.

With my ex-, I asked if I could write instead of talk, because there are lots of things I just have a hard time saying. But he said no.

He is an attorney and has a much better time talking than I did. But the problem for me was, because he was a professional arguer, when we wanted to talk something out, he would go all legal on me and pick every single sentence apart until I wanted to SCREAM with frustration because we would spend forever on the stupid details and I was just trying to solve something in general.

Dang, that brought back bad memories. I am going to go be quiet now.

First of all, I think the journal idea is fantastic.  I never thought of that.

Here are some things that women like:
Leave a note in their purse or “lunchbox” or something.

Send them pictures.  Romantic pictures; not dirty pictures (trying to be serious here)

Communication through many portals is important.  Did you know that body language communicates more than words?  We are visual beings, and context of words with body language creates the environment in which we understand what the other is trying to “say”.

I love flowers.  They say so much without the written word.

For things that “need to be discussed”, here is the best way to handle it:

1. Cool off away from the other person.
2. Communicate your issues with the behavior of the person, not the character of the person.  (IE When you do *this* I feel *this*).
3. Find a solution to the problem.
4. Never EVER get mad.  The first person to get mad “loses”.  This means that no solution will come of the conversation.
5. If anyone gets mad during the conversation, break the conversation and come back to it later.  I can’t stress this enough.

When all else fails, and an argument is imminent, revert back to the writing thing.  That is an awesome tool for communicating and allowing the person to absorb what you are trying to say without immediately responding before digesting the content of the issue.

The Absurdist just reminded me of another reason my husband is way-hot, he does do flowers… for no reason except that he loves me and he knows I enjoy getting flowers.  It doesn’t have to be a jillion expensive roses or anything like that.  It could be a pretty weed for all I care.  It’s just nice that he thinks of me.

He’s also changed diapers, cleaned toilets, all kinds of nasty stuff for me if he knew I was too stressed—these things he did after being on the road all week, or dealing with a bunch of assholes.

They were also forms of communication to me.  This communication told me that he loved me, no matter what.

For the woman’s part, I think that any man who does these things for her, then she will happily help him in whatever way she can.  It’s a reciprocal kind of thing.

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