Very well said.

The second part under “from the outside” made me cry.  When my uncle was dying from lung cancer, he was at my house at Christmas. 

I was holding Natalie on my hip and he gave us both a hug goodbye.  He held on extra long and kept saying “so precious” under his breath about Natalie.  I found out later on that he told my husband it was so hard knowing this was his last Christmas.  I don’t think he would say he was lucky or fortunate.

I lost my (step)FIL to lung cancer as well, just last year.  He was watching Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with my MIL and he ran out of the room. She followed him and heard him in the bathroom crying.  He later told her he knew he would never see another New Year’s.

So yeah....from their perspective...it must be terrifying and so sad.  I don’t think any of the “pro’s” make up for that kind of pain.

Damnit. I remember encountering a large-scale survey a while ago about whether or not people would like to know when they’d kick the bucket—I spent a good 30 minutes trying to find it again, but no luck.

I can’t remember the results with confidence, but I think it was leaning on the side of “No”.

My delusions of grandeur, which you mostly heard already over dinner at Friendly’s:

We all know we are going to die, so we should all have our affairs in order and live like there’s no tomorrow.

I cannot think of one reason why it would be a blessing of any sort to know exactly when you’re dying.

Those estimates are very often wrong anyway.  I’d hate to think I had 2 months to live but actually had 2 or 20 years to live… it’s no way to go through life wondering how many more days you actually have.

You are not allowed to die, ever.  Thanks.

Hope.

That is the biggest thing for me.  I don’t know that I would want to live - whether it was for 6 months or 5 years - without hope.  The HOPE, at least, that you will live to see more.

Also…

We have had people close to us who knew they were going to die.  When they did, everyone was so surprised that it was still so hard on their family.  Like somehow “knowing” should have given them a head start on grieving.

It doesn’t.  At all.

But the most important part of this is:

“I do think it is wrong to assume that what answer we consider correct for ourselves can be projected onto others so easily.”

Exactly.  We wouldn’t presume to tell someone how to live - we sure as hell shouldn’t try to tell them how to die.

No one gets out of this world alive…

I do not think terminally ill people are fortunate.  Or lucky.  I think that they get the short end of the stick.

You know, this is what made me overlook the flaming orange -kill me now- template you used to have going.

You share the thoughtful, insightful, fair, rational, incredibly well written soul that you are.

No amount of orange could keep me away now that I’ve been allowed a peek into that soul.

xxxooo

I do not see terminally ill patients as being fortunate and yes, I am pro-euthanasia.

Me too.

And I totally agree with Britt about the loss of hope. That might be the worst part of all.

Some people prefer not to know that death is imminent. Unfortunately, the truth of the matter is, life is finite therefore, death is always imminent. I work in an industry that believes pre-planning is a benefit, whether someone is ill or not. Having been subjected to what happens when people have not pre-planned (in the sense that they didn’t plan or pay for their funeral) I know that having to deal with those issues, and cough up the money for everything, can be devastating on top of a loss that has already brought you to your knees.

To me, the problem with this question is that we ALL know the end is coming.  This statement was made to me at a funeral last week. “The moment we draw breath, we begin to die.” It shouldn’t matter whether we know when or how. It is inevitable and we should all strive to make each day positive, and let our loved ones know how much we care. And yes, we should pre-plan. We should acknowledge that there is an end and not leave the manner of our final disposition to others who will already be hit hard by our passing.

I believe it is our responsibility to ourselves, our children, and our families to have our affairs in order even thought our demise may be many years in the future. I am grateful for every day I have. I do not take them for granted by sweeping beneath the carpet the fact that one day I shall stop breathing. My plans are in place, and I strive to find joy in each day. I think that is a more healthy way to live.

i hate dying.  it sucks, no matter whether or not the person or i know in advance.
fucking hate dying.

how about the quote that is on the bottom of all of my work emails showed up here.  i forgot i added that to my info over here.  so ummm...yeah.  live life and enjoy it.  now.

We do have “euthanasia” in Oregon. It’s called “Death with Dignity”.
They’ve tried to repeal it twice and failed. It’s about as controversial as abortion, some people think no one has the right to take life, even their own. Before anyone freaks out; it can only be decided by the ill person who is terminal within 6 months, and must have 2nd opinions by doctors on both the diagnosis and the mental health examinations. Also, no one may administer the dose, the ill person has to take it themselves.

As for knowing you are close to dying, who can say except for the individual how they feel about it? Just as varied as the way we LIVE our lives, we all have different views on, if we had the choice, how and when it will end.
That’s the reason right there that we HAVE this euthanasia law. Individual perceptions, preference and choice.

There is no right answer. Except that it will happen to all of us.

This was very well written, Dawg.  I’m, once again, impressed with your intelligence.

I have been on both sides of the question.  I still can’t figure out which was/is better.  I watched my father suffer in severe pain and confusion for 6 weeks.  I’m currently watching my BIL lose all his dignity as he fights the horrid Lou Gherig’s disease.  His grace and courage really astound me sometimes.  Losing someone suddenly is hard, too.  I don’t know.  I just don’t know.

And what Britt said…

We knew my sister was dying--watching her suffer was pure agony from which I will never be totally free. She lived more than a year longer than they thought she would.

My brother in law(her husband) died suddenly about 17 months later.

You never really know.

Either way sucks.

That’s why I am determined to live life and be happy.

In my opinion - Death sucks.  Plain and simple it sucks. 
Very well written, you have a calming way with words, - thank you for sharing.

These situations are so individual that it amazes me that we have the technology to allow individuals to die with greater dignity and less pain, and yet, because some individuals, usually for religious reasons, decide that all death should be “natural” - whatever that means in a societal context where half of us would have died decades ago or at birth without med technology - we have to have a one size fits all law that outlaws physicians assisting people of sound mind and mental health with the same degree of humanity that we extend to our dogs and cats.

I’m in an extremely unusual medical situation of a non terminal progressive illness so severe that people who know me well ask me how i can still live like this and people who don’t just wonder. In the end, I won’t be a living vegetable but a living animal in terrible pain left with the choice of full bedriddenness and tubing or starving to death.

I dunno - chronic illness and terminal illness are both rough… going through the first with my wife currently, and travelling long distances for treatment and follow-up testing.  Also have two close friends dying of terminal illnesses and there is no help/hope from the medical community, so barring a miracle, they will die soon.

In one way, perhaps it helps one to find priorities and set things in order, but in another, it can be like being robbed of all hope and all future.  In either case, it’s never an easy thing to deal with…

Very good post…

J/

Having recently been told that I should be “lucky to know” that I’m going to die, I thank you for this post.  I’m at a loss for words because you’ve said every single thing that has gone through my mind.  I live daily with the knowledge that my two daughters will see me die a horrible death and that I will leave them behind having to deal with it without me.  No amount of time with them now can possibly make up for the pain they will have to deal with after I’m gone.

Your post really hit me to the core.

You have about 3 minutes to live.

Or maybe 30 million.

Estimates are useless.

Incredibly thoughtful and insightful.  Nothing with the finality of death should ever be taken lightly or considered lucky or fortunate.