Uh. You are not obligated to EVER be friends with someone. He’s probably just trying to see what failures or successes you’ve had, why should you give him the satisfaction?

And even if he did change, how is that your problem, care, or concern?

Ignore button is there for a reason—press it.

And, to answer the original question: The oldest of wounds heal when you stop giving them power over you.

This might not make sense.  I don’t really hold grudges, but I don’t ever forget the asshats either.  I would hit the ignore button because I would view his request as one of curiosity and not genuine friendliness.  Then again, he could have a completely different memory of the events and perhaps he would be a nice guy and you two could have a friendship after all this time.

I’m not helping am I?

Ignore!

I’m with Poppy and Used To Be Me, that button is there for a reason.

Especially if your profile is private and can only be seen by your friends.  On the other hand, if your profile is public he can already see what’s going on in your world. If the latter is the case, I doubt hitting ignore will make any difference.

If you really can’t decide I say refer to that old saying “If in doubt, don’t.”.

Ignore I agree that it’s more curious then an olive branch.

You have absolutely no idea what that person’s intentions are.  Or perceptions.  None.  There is no way for any of us to know if it’s an olive branch or a curiosity or if that day just doesn’t register the same importance in his history as it does yours.

Don’t go assigning values to his motives in order to justify yours.

THAT being said - his motives aren’t important.  This should really be about you and whether you’re ready to let tha go or not.  Whether you want to or not.

Like Poppy said, you’re under no obligation to do either.

BUT…

it sounds to me (and here *I* am totally projecting) that it bothers you a little bit that you can’t let it go.  I almost wonder if you’re worried about what that says about you now that those memories still bother you so much.

SO, if any of those guesses are valid, it might be worth digging into your own motives a little bit.  Just, ya know, for the sake of personal growth and all.

i don’t get the whole facebook thing so i myself would probably hit the allow to be a friend button and then promptly forget about him. 

grudges are not healthy, in my opinion.  however that doesn’t mean you have to meet dude at starcocks for lattes either.

no matter what, dawg, this guy has NO power over you.  you are a terrific man.

Dennis Miller tells a story about being approached by a woman somewhere. She’d married the asshat that hat tormented Miller when they were in school.  The asshat wanted to make nice, was standing near his wife and Miller and shuffling his feet. The woman said her husband was embarrassed but wanted to talk with Dennis, who was pretty sure it was because he was now famous.

Miller said something like, “Your husband was a giant asshole in school and I wouldn’t speak with him if he was the last person on earth.”

And then ... at my 25th reunion some of the folks were were assholes in HS had mellowed quite a bit and were pretty good folks. Time has a way of making people chill out.

I’m not a terribly big help. My first instinct is to say ignore the guy—but I’m not sure I would be able to.

Do you need him in your life?

Do you want him in your life?

Do you even care?

It’s a button, so press it or don’t, but you don’t have to pay him any attention either way.  Just… know that no matter what you do with the button you can still Ignore.

I was one of those people who didn’t fit in with any particular group.  I was in too many honors level classes to be in the IN-crowd, but not enough to be considered one of the geeks.  I was artistic, but since I was taking college prep courses I wasn’t considered to be one of the art students.  I ended up hanging out with a bunch of people who smoked in the girls’ lav during lunch period.

I didn’t go to my 10 year reunion because I figured that I wasn’t going to spend $80 on a reunion with people who didn’t give a shit about me back then, and I’ve sort of regretted it a bit.  I recently found a lot of people that I went to HS with on Facebook and Myspace.  I added a lot of them, whether or not they were part of my little “un-group”, even adding one of the girls who literally made grade 8 a living hell for me.  Some of it was curiosity, some were people that I actually could talk to and were more than just a passing aquaintence, and some of it was just the fact that I’ve outgrown some of the grudges I held against them for making me feel like an outcast. 

Plus I wanted to see if the bitchy, rich, snobby girls got fat.

There is no rule that says you have to be Facebook Friends. None. If you don’t want to do it then don’t simple as that.

Facebook is weird I got a friend request from someone we fired at work. Like wtf??? I think it’s the way it’s worded that freaks people out. “Friends”—it’s kind of a loaded question no? If I saw you at a party would I talk to them? Maybe.

As a person who tends to hold grudges, I will try to be objective.  I mean, I think MY grudges are more like “move on but never forget” type of things, but still.

Morbid curiosity would totally get the best of me and I would probably add him back just to spy on him and see where his life is today.  Then, after all that, I would probably dump him if he hadn’t changed all that much.

Probably the more healthy reaction would be that of Britt or Poppy.  I mean really, it *is* just Facebook, but why have the constant reminder of this tool every day of your life?  We all know that Facebook can allow people to find us on other mediums as well and I for one am not willing to let someone into my life who was never good to me in the first place.

As your wonderful girlfriend said...do you REALLY need him in your life?

Part of the Facebook experience, for some, is that they are forced to face people who made them feel bad in earlier years.
You can take my opinion for what it is, but as an adult, I would never invite anyone into my life that made me feel like crap...even if it was 17 years ago.
You gotta look int he mirror and ask yourself why you’re even considering opening yourself up to possible hurt.  True, he might not be a douchebag now, but you need to decide how thick your skin is in dealing with this guy.
Whatever happens, don’t let his douchebaggery define you in any way.  It *was* 17 years ago, but it’s obvious it still (understandably) stings.
I don’t want to see you get hurt.
xo

“...it *is* just Facebook, but why have the constant reminder of this tool every day of your life?”

Aaaaaaand that is precisely why I Hilly. 

I think we have enough tools in the house, aside from the tiny hammer we need for the tiny nails to hang all the awesome photos we just framed.

I kind of had a similar situation happen to me. I had a friend in high school who I had a falling out with. One day, she tried to contact me through Classmates.com. I didn’t really want to deal with her. I remembered the grief she put me through, and how she kept trying to convert me to her cult religion even though I told her I was interested.

Then she contacted me again and I told my folks about it. My dad pretty much said what Poppy did. She made my life miserable, she insulted me, and did I really want or need that in my life right now?

So, he made your life miserable. Do you really want or need that in your life right now?

I think you’ve had some great advice and I’d have to say I agree. I had a recent similar event where someone from grade school ‘found’ me and I really debated over the reply button. I am totally a grudge holder, I relish in the fact that those *itches who made fun of me are now fat, ugly, and married to jerks. So for me, I’d hit delete/ignore and forget about it.

I’m a grudge holder.

That sounds harsh, but I really don’t put a lot of energy into it.

I would have hit “ignore” and moved on without ever thinking of him again.

Thou shalt not live and die by Facebook.

Ignore it.

If he hadn’t sent you a friends request, would you have ever thought about looking him up to make amends? If your answer is no...why give him the time of day?

Will he enrich your life in any way? Or will he annoy the shit out of you?

It is only a social networking site. Not life.

I had my own Facebook explosion from high school. I was never tortured, but there are some people I didn’t particularly like back then who are my Facebook “friends” now. And you know what? They’re okay. In fact, some of then are really great now. I’m glad I chose to just go ahead and add them. I am the same person now as I was then, but I have grown a lot, too. I just assume that most of these people have. If they still suck at life, I just block them, or delete them. However, i really haven’t had to do that. I always kind of feel like, maybe there’s a reason they are showing up back in my life. I’m super cheesy that way.

If you decide to “friend him,” you can always “unfriend him” later.  Just don’t put too much of your personal info in your info section if you really don’t want to be found, by anybody.  (Though it’s still possible.  Heck, I tracked down my 1st through 5th grade best friend through Classmates through her brother.  Where there’s a will, there’s a way!  And it’s not always stalker-ish.

No matter what, it’s still your own choice.  It’s your choice to remember these things.  It’s your choice to friend him.  Heck, it’s even your choice to check in and write on his wall or not. 

Another school of thought is keep your freinds close, but your enemies closer, if you know what I mean.

I just left this comment on Poppy’s sight but i’ll say it again. My very good friend went through this same situation with the whole friend or ignore. Girl from middle school. Big bully etc. She first sent a message before deciding on whether to accept or deny and the girl replied with a huge apology. Admitted she is embarrassed by how she treated her and it has bothered her over the years, hoping she would some day have the chance to apologize. And she did. Twice. In email and in person. Much to my surprise, this person changed. I never in a million years would have thought she would ever change, but she did.

You know… I don’t want to give you a “sob story” or anything, but my elementary school days were remarkably similar to yours. 

Except… well, my thyroid started malfunctioning when I was NINE YEARS OLD.  I was in and out of children hospitals and yadah yadah because none of the doctors had ever seen my condition in someone so young.  That part… it sucked… but not nearly so much as the weight I began putting on because of it.  And the subsequent, cruel, torture from those evil children I went to school with.

Even in highschool, when I kind of grew into myself and more accepting of being a fluffy girl; getting some self-confident, etc.  And thus, made friends and became fairly popular… I still had walls up with those that I had gone to elementary school with. 

Sure, we’d “hang out” every so often at parties and whatever… but really? I had seen what they were capable of.  It may have been entirely different if I didn’t see the cattiness and backstabbing and gossip that still went on… but it did.  And that wasn’t the kind of people I wanted to be good friends with. 

There was no trust.  You can give people the opportunity to prove that they are different.  That they’ve grown the hell up and don’t suck anymore.  And I think that’s a great thing to do… even while you exercise caution doing it.

But, unfortunately, it’s been my experience that they don’t ever *really* change.  Their core is still the same, which means they’re still the same people pulling the same old crap.  The few true friends I had in highschool, are still the people that I keep in contact with today.  I’ve added “the others” on Facebook as they’ve found me, but I don’t message them or keep in touch.  Our lives have gone in different directions and I’m thankful for it.  I reserve my time and energy and attention for those that have earned the right to be called a friend. 

For the record? I get a lot of grief from my best friend (who is 10 years older and wasn’t a part of any of the school years drama) about “letting things go.” She thinks I’m kind of being dumb about how disgusted I get talking about some of those people, when we run into them or whatever as it is a small town.

Yet… who is anyone else to say who you can and can’t have hard feelings toward? It’s not like you *want* to, but you were truly hurt and affected by what was said/done.  And not that anyone is doing that to you, I’m just saying that… really, it comes down to you and your feelings at the end of the day, as to how long it takes for old wounds to heal. 

I think you’re a wonderful human being with a big heart, Dawg.  It’s my *opinion* that you can add him on facebook, without being buddy-buddy.  But you’re in no way, shape, or form, *obligated* to do so.  I think you’re eventually going to be able to forgive and let go… although never forgetting, and therefore keeping your caution flag up whenever he’s around or contacting you or whatever.  But… you’ll make peace and deal with this in your own way, when you’re ready. 

And that’s all there is to it. 

Sorry for the longgg comment.  It’s kind of becoming my trademark, haha.

Why does clicking on Ignore automatically mean you’re holding a grudge?  Can’t it just mean you’re not interesting in connecting with the past, or anyone from it, because you’ve moved forward and there’s no need?

Regardless of whether or not people are capable of change, is there any real need for this person to be in your life in any way, shape or form? 

This person may or may not communicate with you after you accept the friend request but is it important to you that they do?  Are you curious about them at all?  Do you need closure?

I think if you ask yourself enough questions, you’ll find the answer.  Mine, as I commented on Poppy’s post, would be Ignore.  But I can be harsh, unforgiving, unforgetful and uncaring.

Great blog I just bookmarked it!

But I am a spamming scumbag so no one should come and visit me!!!

I’m forever scarred by Ace (previous commenter that will probably be spam-removed shortly).

Oh, and also… every time I see that picture of you, I’m reminded of Rick Astley.  What are you going to do about that wound?  Will it ever heal?!?!??!

teach me in orlando.  then i’ll play your little mob game.  (please teach me when i am not drunk.  thank you.)

I’ve found that not too many people are above the petty things in life.  It’s nothing horrible to admit… I mean, come on, we’re only human… and let’s face it: stupid/cruel words/actions hurt.  Those things especially hurt the good, sensitive, thoughtful & compassionate people.

And, hey, sometimes what one considers “petty”, another doesn’t.  Anything that sticks in your mind after this many years is probably not something I would consider petty.  It obviously has weight.

I hope you come to a decision you’re comfortable with and that you let us know what comes of it, if anything. 

((HUG))

I’m petty.  Once I’m done, I’m done.

Unless I was the one being the biggest asshole, then I’ll try to apologise and sometimes I get shot down.  Instant karma sometimes gets me.

Anyway, it’s in your heart.  You have to go with your heart.

PS:  Karen lied.  She let me back in and I was a total fuckwad to her.

PPS:  I don’t know nuthin’ ‘bout no facebooks.