she’s lost in coma where it’s beautiful
intoxicated from the deep sleep, deep sleep
do you wonder what it’s like
living in a permanent imagination?
sleeping to escape reality, but you like it like that

Orgy - Fiction (Dreams In Digital)

There are still mornings when I wake up and think that I’ve really been living in a dream these past few months.  I expect everything to be fine and normal… or as normal as my life actually was.  Lately though… sleep has not been an easy thing.  It isn’t just the weird hours I’ve been working, because it’s been the dreams.  They’ve become… well… different.

What you need to understand is that for years now I have “deja vu” moments.  These moments are always from a dream.  Perhaps the dream happened days prior… or months… but it still is the fact that I feel I have dreamed what has just happened.  Sound crazy?  Well then stop reading… because it’s going to get a little weirder.

The night of DJ leaving us… I dreamt of him.  He was standing in front of me as I lay one the bed.  He looked alive and well… except his eyes.  The whites of his eyes had been turned a pale blue and the iris was a dark blue.  His eyes were brown in life… just like mine.  He said to me, “My eyes are blue, because of you.” Needless to say… I woke up gasping, hysterical, and slightly violent at 2 in the morning which was the event that led to forced medication.  I was pretty much dreamless the rest of the time. 

My dreams have slowly returned as time has passed… some I remember… and some I don’t.  But over the last 3 weeks to a month, the dreams have gotten stronger.  Instead of strong quaking dreams happening maybe once a week… it went to every other night… and now they are starting to wake me up.  There are 3 persistent repeating ones which have begun to gnaw at my insides.

The first dream… I’m driving my truck.  The street lights are streaking by, similar to warp speed on Star Trek, and I’m passing people I know.  Most of them are acquaintances… but then I pass people I am closer with, like KC, Terrorist, The Nick, and a few others.  I don’t seem to want to stop… so I don’t.  Finally I come up to Pudding, I try to apply the brakes, but I don’t slow down.  Yet… she’s still there by the window as the lights streak by.  I say something, I think it’s “Hey,” and then when she opens her mouth it is in a scream.  She doesn’t look like she’s screaming, but that’s how loud it is.  Suddenly… I either stop or hit something that stops me… and I wake up.

The second dream… I’m under a tree on a small hill outside a farmhouse.  I used to have a happy dream with a similar setting, but it has seemingly been replaced by this one.  The tree is droopy… like a Weeping Willow… but the leaves are black.  As I sit under the tree… DJ and Blinky come and we play three-way catch.  The sky gets darker and darker… and suddenly I can’t see him but I still throw the ball.  Then I hear him crying… because I think I hit him with the ball… but I can’t find him.  I look and look… and run through the darkness… but he isn’t there.  My heart races and I start screaming… and then realize I’m screaming in my bed.

The third dream… and to me the most disturbing… is that I’m sitting on a bench or a chair in what I think is a restaurant or a bar in almost near darkness.  Pudding comes, doesn’t say anything, and she looks like she’s searching for something.  The Steff shows up and is doing the same thing.  Christine arrives in similar fashion, as does my mom, my aunt, and my brother.  Suddenly… there’s a light.  It’s a green light… and sure enough Steff comes around a corner with DJ in her arms… and he’s glowing green.  As soon as she puts him on my lap… she bursts into flames and he’s gone as well.  The first time this dream happened… I woke up screaming.  The more it happens… the more it repeats itself but what changes is the order in which they come to me.  The most recent one, Christine came first with DJ in her arms, and then burst into flames that blinds me and suddenly he’s gone.  Then it was my aunt… and the same thing with her bursting into flames and him disappearing.  Then it was Pudding with the same thing… and finally Steff… who was the only one to kiss him on the forehead before bursting into flames.  They all burn… a bright orange… and I am paralyzed and unable to either hold onto him or to help them.  I hate this dream.

In fact I hate this dream so much… I haven’t slept yet since yesterday.  I’m due for it.  I know its coming… and I hate it.  I want to make it through this day… and hopefully I’ll be so damn tired when I get home… that I’ll be too damn tired to dream.