Yesterday iWas indoctrinated into a cult of immense power and influence over society.  iDidn’t intend for it to happen.  It just did.

The organization iSpeak of is that which uses i in everything.  iHave been assimilated through the glass cube with my purchase of an iPod.  Not just any iPod mind you.  It is in fact a “classic”… with video.  The power of the iCult is great.

So to understand how this happened, you must realize that iHave been thinking about getting one for awhile now.  Between their dogmatic media films, their careful placement of symbolic imagery, the pontifications of their core members, and the fact that iHad no idea how my favorite Podcast of all time would actually look on the device it was being painstakingly formatted for.  iDid indeed feel i Was incomplete without one. So iDecided earlier in the day that iWould search one out for potential purchase but with no real plan in doing so.

As it happened, iWas in the midtown area and wandered across the Mecca of the iCult.  Luckily, there was a parking space out front right near the ropes that allowed people into the temple.  Yes, there are ropes and an active count of occupants is kept so as not to exceed maximum storage capacity.  Luckily, I was able to approach unhindered, but once I stepped beneath the gleam of the late afternoon sun being magnified behind the glass the world seemed to change.  Here, geek was the new cool.

Descending the steps into the main area of worship iWas surprised by two things.  First the fact that iCould clearly see all four walls from the floor.  This simple feat is surely easily done in places of such similar greatness like Costco, Super Stop and Shop, or The Mall of America.  The second surprising thing was the amount of people using sample artifacts, but only end up making a small donation for a trivial trinket.  This was not just a place of worship… it was a bona fide tourist trap.  Why you may ask?

It’s all about the bag.

With the in-person donation you are bequeathed not only the trinket of your choice but a white bag with the iCult Silver Apple, the symbol of greatness for sure, and the words “Fifth Avenue”.  Only the upper echelon would have such an item, and here iWas getting one with a relatively medium sized donation.  All around me the iCult screamed i… i… i… and while not being a normally selfish person, iWas indeed swayed by this ideology.  iWork, iPlay, iWalk, iLife… all if it was about i.  i kinda liked it and so iBegan searching out an appropriate tool for iWorship.

The newer 16GB artifact cost $300, and although it could whisper hymns through the air i saw no need for such complexity.  The newer cheaper 8GB token was $150 cheaper.  At first that was my plan… a small token with which to begin my initiation.  Instead iEnded up paying an extra $100 but iGot a much greater tome.  iChose wisely, and went with an 80GB version of a tried and true relic.  iWas most pleased with my wisdom.

With eager anticipation iWent home and synced it with the online administrator of holiness.  iWas pleasantly surprised to find it fully powered and ready for worship.  iBasked in its glow.  iAdmired my new status symbol in the form of white earphones.  iReveled in its simplicity and yet complex nature, not unlike life itself.

So how is it that i have been iAssimilated?  It lacked one thing… a proper housing to carry my holy object in.  It truly came with nothing to do so with which was depressing.  iCould not bear the thought of using the much sought after bag to do so, for it would surely be devalued and the potential of a critical injury to the relic would be too great.  So here iAm at 2:30am… driving to descend beneath the gleaming cube once again so that iCan publicly declare my allegiance to the iCult.

Oh, and for those of you wondering… yes… iThink ilook damn good on an iPod screen.