So… guess who has ‘net back @ home? Yup… I do! Of course… all they did was swap the cable modem. It would have been easier had they just sent one by mail… but whatever. The fact is I’m back up and running like a junkie in need of a fix.
Now last night when she came in she claimed it was something she gets, and it is muscular, and blah blah blah. The thing is, I know the truth. I know that the Cracker she’s going out with probably had her contorted into a bunch of weird positions from the Kama Sutra. Yep. That’s what it was. It was probably ”The Waterfall” that you see here. Yep. I think that’s the one. It’s drama I tell you… total drama.
During a recent e-mail conversation I was asked if my mom reads my blog. The answer is no. She does know about Cereal Wednesday… because I had to kind of explain the big bowl that ended up in her dishwasher and all the boxes of half-eaten cereal I was giving her. Of course… just in case she comes out of the dark ages… well I’m sticking the Sex Meme I’m stealing from Avitable below the fold… you know… just in case…
The Sex MeMe!!!
1. HAVE YOU GOTTEN LAID IN 2007?
Does my right hand count? No huh. Then no. My last lay would have been… mmmm… I think a year ago. Damn. I’m pathetic.
2. EVER HAD SEX IN A PUBLIC PLACE?
I’m pretty sure since it was a PUBLIC park that it was in public… so yeah.
3. EVER LAUGH DURING SEX? IF SO WHY?
Yeah… it was because of a joke I had heard that sounded a helluva lot funnier with the two bottles of wine I had consumed.
4. EVER CRY DURING SEX? IF SO WHY?
Once. Never again.
5. DO YOU LIKE TO CUDDLE AFTER SEX?
“C” is for Cuddle… and that’s the best thing for me. Yeah… I’m a total cuddle monster.
6. EVER REGRET SEX WITH SOMEONE?
Yep. Actually only one person… because I really did not want to have sex with them.
7. EVER FAKED AN ORGASM?
Yep. Well at least I tried… with the same person I regretted it with.
8. DIRTY TALK, OR SHUT THE FUCK UP?
A mixture of both. I prefer to have my tongue lapping rather than yapping though.
9. EVER HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX?
I’m a dad. ‘Nuff said.
10. EVER MASTURBATE TO YOUR FRIEND’S SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Does it count if I was the friend of the significant other before they became the significant other of my friend? If not, then no. If it does, then all too often.
11. EVER HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND?
Yep… and I regretted it.
12. EVER HAVE A THREESOME?
Once. Well… okay more like twice… but I only liked it once.
13. EVER WATCH PORN DURING SEX?
It’s been on but I never watched it… I was too busy lapping.
14. EVER THOUGHT OF SOMEONE ELSE DURING SEX?
Yep… but oddly enough… not on my own… and it was only because of the dirty talking.
15. HAS THE CONDOM EVER BROKEN?
Quite a few times to be honest. Then they created Magnums… and all was right in the water balloon war world.
16. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING SEXUAL EXPERIENCE?
The worst was with a girlfriend from a long time ago. She lived in Staten Island so we would park in the parking lots off the beach. These cars would drive around us with their parking lights on… find a corner… and then do whatever it was they were going to do while we did what we were doing. So to be exact she was going down on my while I was working the magic fingers when the Park Police shined a light in on us. That was pretty embarrassing. What was more embarrassing was that the guy was shocked that he had just shined a light on a guy and a girl. We apparently were in the “gay” parking area. He just let us go because at least we were “keeping with nature and all”. Right. Fucking inbred talking about “keeping with nature and all”. Anyone see the irony there?
17. HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY?
14. I was young and stupid. That’s why I only lasted 30 seconds.
18. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH RIGHT NOW?
A female. Yeah I know… I’m picky. Although to be honest… if I had to pick an actual person… well it would be that girlfriend from Staten Island. She was a sweetheart… I was just too dumb to realize it. Have I mentioned how stupid men are lately?
19. DO YOU THINK THAT NUMBER 18 IS POSSIBLE?
Oh yeah, sure. Oh and look… there’s a monkey… flying out of my butt!!! Yeah… NetFlix has left me watching Wayne’s World… can you tell?
20. ARE YOU HORNY NOW?
That’s a joke right? I mean… c’mon… I am a guy contrary to my cuddle tendencies. Guys are ALWAYS horny. Hell… even when I wasn’t, “in the mood” I was put into that “mood” damn quick with a little ear nibble. If I was 50… it would be a different story I’m sure… but that’s what Viagra is for. Any guy who does not want to fuck 24/7 is either a) gay in the closet sexually b) spoiled or c) inbred.
21. HOW MANY SEXUAL PARTNERS?
Damn. Sadly… less than a dozen.
22. DO YOU LIKE SEX IN THE CAR?
I used to all the time. Not lately though… I like to stretch out… and I’m a big guy.
23. DO YOU STILL TALK TO THE PERSON YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY TO?
Nope. I do know where she is though. She married my cousin’s lover’s brother. Go figure.
24. EVER HAVE SEX WITH A RELATIVE/FRIEND’S SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Nope… but they have with mine. So where’s the justice in that?
25. EVER BEEN WITH A CHEATER?
Yeah. I don’t call her that though. I call her my ex.
26. TOYS, GOOD OR BAD?
Depends on the mood. They can definitely be good… but I’m not about them every night. Once you have sex with them more than without them… well your just sealing your own death warrant.
27. LINGERIE?
I love it. I know most women are like, “What’s the point when I’m out of it in like 2 seconds?” but my answer to that is your obviously not getting the right lingerie or your significant other does not know what they are doing. Thigh-highs 
. Lacy bras . Babydoll nighties . Sexy teddies . Boots . High heels . Did I mention thigh-highs?
28. EVER SLEEP WITH A CO-WORKER?
Yeah. I also married her. I also now call her my ex. Go figure.
29. WHERE HAVE YOU HAD SEX?
(x)park
(x)church
(x)cemetery
( )beach
( )boat
(x)school
(x)parent’s bed
(x)your bed
(x)car
(x)picnic table
(x)kitchen counter
(x)couch/chair
(x)dining room/kitchen table
(x)woods (open and/or in a tent)
(x)hood of a car
(x)bathroom
(x)shower
(x)bathtub
(x)the other person’s bed
( )porch/deck/balcony
(x)in a house with parents home
(x)at a party
(x)on top of the washer/dryer
( )with other people in the room
(x)hotel
(x)concert
( )grandparent’s house (Man, kill me NOW, seriously, I’m going to hell… no, wait, in that case, don’t kill me NOW…)
(x)field
( )bleachers
( )bookstore stock room.
( )linen closet
So that is The Sex MeMe.
Wanna know what’s sad? Because I’m a guy… it’s like “whatever"… but if I were a girl… I’d probably be considered a slut. Shit ain’t right. I wanna be a slut dammit… or a Dirty Whore!
Hi mom! 
Close it Up
As for some drama… because while I don’t necessarily mention it… I know that is one of the reasons you come here… I am after all The King of All Drama… well this week’s is brought to you by The Nick. So I get a text message from her yesterday saying that she woke up and has a horrible cramp in her neck. So therefore she can’t work. I text back quite literally, ”R u kidding?” to which I didn’t get a reply.
