I was driving on Friday morning past one of the larger parks in Queens when a distinct sound crawled its way into my ear.  Low at first… it grew in both tempo and familiarity.  It was the tinny sound of a carousel.

It is the same carousel that I used to take DJ on during the weekends he was with me.  The Parks Department was cleaning it up after being shut down for the winter.  Getting it ready for its big opening weekend is a time consuming process because the carousel is over one hundred years old.  Traditionally, the carousel opens on Mother’s Day weekend.  From then through the last weekend in September… kids will ride round and round atop a wooden carved horse to that tinny tune for the low price of $2.00. 

Six carousel rides - $12.00
Loaf of bread to feed birds - $1.79
Ice pop to turn the tongue blue - $1.50
The happy smiling grin of your son - Priceless

Can you find a better deal on happiness?  I think not.

I sadly realized that I have no reason to go listen to that song anymore.  While I think to a large degree I have been able to move my life forward… I still get these “moments” on a daily basis… when all the sadness rushes back into my consciousness.  My mind becomes trapped in memories… knowing there is not a chance of making new ones… and often I find myself trapped on my own carousel of anguish going round and round.  The rides, although shorter, are just as rough now as they were then.  Yet it is a ride I go on round and round.

I know this may be hard for some people to understand… but when I go on these rides… for the most part I just want to be left alone when I ride it.  My chronic lack of dependency on others cripples me here.  It stops me from getting off the carousel going round and round.  It stops them from getting on the carousel going round and round.  That may change one day… because all things do change at one point or another… just as I have changed the way I am from before 10 months ago to now.  I’m just not ready for that change yet.  When I am… I like to think it will be obvious.  Then again… I just don’t know.

In the mean time… I’ll ride this carousel of memories for all its worth… because right now its the best I have.