Yesterday I had a meeting with a group of people who contacted me last week about a potential business deal.  This is the sort of thing that I take with a grain of salt, like when Al Roker‘s PA e-mailed me to be on one of his specials about cereal… it just never materialized.  I took it for a grain of salt… but it ended up being the whole pretzel.  Really.

To try and simplify things, I have made it to the “big leagues” as a blogger.  Yes.  I am now of the same caliber of Dooce.  I am now apparently witty in two lines.  I am in fact probably wittier in my punctuation because I’ve been told that my deal is much better than hers.  Yes.  I am now a ProBlogger of the highest order.  I have been freed from the chains of my dayjob.  I have been liberated from the machine of “the man”.  I have been… I have been…

I have been sponsored.

Yes, it is true, I am now backed and on the payroll of a corporate conglomeration who gave me a 3-year deal with 3 blank checks… one for each year.  While I cannot fully disclose the details, I can tell you that those three checks have at least 6 numbers each on them.  What do I have to do in return you might ask?  Simple.  I have to run the corporations ads and blog about their products here at A Pile of Dog Bones.

Now don’t get all teary-eyed or anything… there won’t be TOO much change.  In fact, if anything, you’ll hear more from me than you ever did before.  This is now my job afterall, and I take it seriously.  I am going to make this work.  I NEED to make this work.

I know a few of you may wonder why my sudden change in heart, but let’s be honest with each other shall we?  You really could care less what I write here.  You really have no vested interest in what I have to say.  We all know that comments equates to popularity, and my comments barely break double digits anymore.  We all know that a well trafficked site means that you are an authority and my traffic is, for lack of a better term, stagnant.  Besides, who can be considered an “authority” on personal blogging?  Let’s admit the fact that personal blogging is overrated.  Interacting with people over the internet amounts to nothing in the real world… and I assure you, those of you who think this is “the real world”, have a seriously rude awakening ahead of you.  Nemo style.  Like in The Matrix.  How do you know what steak tastes like, if you’ve never tasted it?

Well I tasted steak.  Hell, I tasted the best steak they had at Peter Luger’s Steakhouse with my new expense account card last night… and I have to tell you… it was good!!!  Although I didn’t have them, the $2500 an hour underage Thai call girl named Debbie I had dinner with told me the mashed potatoes were good as well!!!  You guys obviously have not tasted REAL steak… or real Thai like I have… nom nom nom…

Life is going to be good too.  Do you want to know why?  Because this allows me to quit my job of saving people’s lives.  No longer will I stand in the way of the Grim Reaper and HIS job.  No longer will I act selfishly on behalf of a spoiled humanity against His wishes.  Yes folks… this will allow me to return to the arms of our Lord and Saviour Joshua Herman Christus, or more commonly known as… Jesus Christ.  I can go to mass in good conscience knowing that I am no longer an instrument of Beelzebub, Lucifer, The Dark One, Miss Ann Thrope, Satan, or the name he is most commonly known as… the Devil in working against His glorious plan for each and every one of us… no matter how painful that plan may seem.

Of course… there will be some sacrifices that need to be made.  The first and foremost change will be the new commenting policy.  This is my blog, paid for by others, and therefore you will not be able to just express yourself.  After this post all expression will be monitored closely for adherence to the following rules:

Commenting Policy

• 1) You must click the ad before commenting.  Failure to do so will result in the removal of your comment
• 2) Your comments must be positive towards the products in the post.  Any negativity will result in the removal of your comment
• 3) Your comment must be positive towards me.  Any negativity will result in the removal of your comment
• 4) You must end your comment with a phrase of praise directed towards me and my expertness in the products I will be showcasing.  Failure to do so will result in the removal of your comment
• 5) If you have a blog, you must link once a day to me.  If you do not have a blog, then don’t even bother since your comment will be removed

I will go over the rest of the changes tomorrow.  There really aren’t that many… only a few dozen or so.  I appreciate your readership, I really do.  I will also appreciate it if you follow me on Twitter because I am also one of the founding members of the PayPerTweet Program.  This is really what blogging is all about right?

Money, money, money…