In high school I was first introduced to the book Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.  It wasn’t actually in a psychology class, but believe it or not Business Law.  Here’s a really quick summary:

Five Stages Of Grief

1. Denial and Isolation- At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
2. Anger- The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she’s dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
3. Bargaining- Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, “If I do this, will you take away the loss?”
4. Depression- The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
5. Acceptance- This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

So where am I on the list?

1. Denial and Isolation- Did it.  Denied it at the hospital.  Tried to deny it at the wake.  Tried harder to deny it at the funeral.  In the end, when the flowers were gone and the mound of dirt remained, there was no denying it anymore.  As for Isolation, well I’m pretty damn lucky to have the support of my family and my friends both in real life and virtually.  In fact, to be honest, all the company and being dragged places was starting to get to me since I usually have copious amounts of “alone” time… but it was all for my well being and I realize that.

2. Anger- Yeah.  Surprisingly the hospital has not sent me a bill for the table I smashed, and the doctor didn’t press charges after I knocked him over.  I freely admit I still get angry, but not only at myself also at a lot of other people.  I keep it in check, and have actually been working to channel that energy elsewhere.  The outcome has been… surprising to say the least all things considered.

3. Bargaining- No big secret here.  The Big Man and I haven’t been on speaking terms for the past 5+ years, did you think this would change it?  It did to a degree.  I didn’t bargain… I demanded.  My demands though had nothing to do with the impossible.  They were simple really, just take care of him.  That’s usually where my angry energy goes when I can’t channel it where I want it.

4. Depression- Had it before this so there’s no surprise its there.  Its possible that because I’m so used to dealing with it, that it hasn’t affected me as badly as it would have if I wasn’t already damaged with the PTSD.  Since I’m off the meds, I haven’t had a bad episode.  One day and counting.

5. Acceptance- I’ve accepted what has happened is real.  I’ve accepted that my life is forever changed.  I’ve accepted that I need to move forward, but not away.  So is there acceptance?  Definitely not totally.

I think this is really a very simplified list.  Maybe that’s what its supposed to be… but in reality I think its alot more complicated than it seems.

The glaring omission is the actual physical pain.  Yes, there is actual Physical Pain in grief.  It’s not the stomach churning pain you normally feel when bad things happen.  It’s a sharp chest pain.  While I am familiar with the pain from previous times, this time it is magnified at least a hundred fold.  It’s the pain of a broken heart.

My conclusion on the whole thing?  It speaks in generalities and things don’t necessarily happen in the order they have it listed in.  I think time limits on them are unrealistic since everyone is an individual and will handle the situation on an individual basis.  I also don’t believe in “mourning tapering off”.  Sure, your going to move forward… but its not necessarily something your going to move away from.  So while I can appreciate the scientific evaluation, and the following that this theory has garnered, I can’t help to feel that it is flawed by fundamentally treating people as sheep in an emotion that is as unique to the situation as it is to the person.

The fact it does this… well… it kinda makes me angry.