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JetBlue Going

I should preface this by explaining that when we originally booked our flight, we were going to try and take advantage of the day by checking out some local attractions.  Unfortunately, as it turned out, I ended up working the night before until 10:00pm… which really turned into midnight before I got home.  So the 6:00am flight may not have been the wisest choice.

After waking up sufficiently late we rushed to drop off my truck at the shop where our ride to the airport, my dear father Hollywood, was waiting with his scarf in hand.  Amazingly we walked into the terminal at 5:00am and gazed upon a very daunting looking security line.  Quickly printing out the boarding passes, we began the process of de-terrorizing for the flight… which included me throwing my lighter into the trash for fear of getting stopped.  To further the surprise, we were through security in 20 minutes.

While headed down the long hallway to the actual gates, I stopped in one of those little kiosk newsstands for a Coke.  Poppy got one too, and then I went to pay for them.  Two Cokes at $2.50 each, which is twice the amount a Coke costs outside of the airport.  Since when did the airport become a fucking amusement park?  I’m digressing… but that was all I wanted… two Cokes.  The next thing I know this chick is throwing in two bags of pretzels.

“They’re free,” she says while scanning them into the register showing $1.09 per bag.  Free?  Really???  Then she starts punching some keys… and obviously has no clue how to make the $1.09 pretzels “free”.  So another girl comes over.  After some punching the total rings up… $6.49.  Do the math. 

Yep… they gave me one bag for free and charged me for one bag.  I wasn’t going to fight.  I was tired… and the way that JetBlue took advantage of me left me feeling… violated… dirty… and humiliated.  JetBlue took advantage of me in my state to charge me for a bag of pretzels I did not want.

Bastards.

The rest of the flight was fine other than the fact that I hate the harshness of take-offs and landings.  I slept literally for 2 hours and 10 minutes of the 2 hours and 20 minute flight.

The Hilton And Vulcon

Once off the plane we stopped at Starbucks because I needed some serious caffeine.  I know… I sold my soul… but I was still trying to hide my humiliation at the hands of JetBlue and needed some comfort ice coffee.  An interesting note about the Orlando Airport… they do not sell cigarettes and therefore do not sell lighters.  We quickly caught a cab outside the terminal and were on our way to the Altamonte Hilton.

Now its important to understand something.  I live in New York City.  When someone says, “Oh it’s about thirty minutes away from the airport via taxi,” I’m thinking maybe 10-15 miles the way traffic is in the city.  Not 30 miles. 

Fuckin’ country bumpkins.

So $70 later we were at the hotel.  At this point… I was pretty fucking twisted.  I just wanted to go drop the luggage off, find an open flame, and crash on the grass under a palm tree in a haze of smoke.  Imagine my surprise when it turned out we were able to check-in early!!!  I don’t care what anyone says… Hilton Hotels are AWESOME!!!  Even if they do have a whore of an owner selling her ass on television for shits and giggles!!!  So we went to the room and dropped the bags… and then I went back down to the lobby store for a $2.00 lighter.

Now is where shit gets interesting.  I’m outside puffing away and see all these U-Haul trucks and stuff.  Apparently there is some sort of convention going on at the hotel this weekend.  I don’t think anything more about it as I head back in to the elevators.  I press the button, there is a chime, and the elevator door opens.  There’s a guy in there looking at the restaurant menu posted on the wall, so I wait for him to come out.  He turns to me and says, “Hey how’s it going?” as he walks out.

In that instant I had a decision to make.  This was no ordinary person.  This was Apollo from BattleStar Galactica!  No no no… not the “re-envisioning” Apollo… this was THE APOLLO from the original!  So I replied, “It’s going good.  How about you Mr. Anderson?"… cause you know… I’m polite like that and shit.

I bet your wondering why I called him Mr. Anderson.  Because instead of Richard Hatch in my head… I had Richard Dean Anderson in my head.  Luckily, the italics up there, never happened.  I know enough, especially when I’m tired, to limit my unfamiliar names until I’ve had a chance to confirm with the Internets.

So when I get back to the room I turn the television on… and right there on the “Hotel Channel” is the greeting: Welcome to Vulcon 2008: Stay Well and Prosper.

Trekkies.

There goes the neighborhood.

Friday Dinner

So after a nap, Poppy and I were back outside making out (literally) and we started running into other bloggers.  Christine showed up in a pimpin’ Chrysler PT Cruiser, we ran into Mike as we were coming off the elevator and were about to text him, Crys arrived via taxi, and Turnbaby used the power of text messaging.  We moved from outside to… where else… the bar.

Once at the bar it was easy enough for Mr. Fab and Karl to find us.  During the week there had been talk of a pre-dinner similar to what went on at the TequilaCon First Supper… so we were further incubating those plans when there was a loud, “You’re New York City Watchdog right?” coming from the front desk area.

Now the last time this happened, I unknowingly found out what a Delmer looked like.  This time I unknowingly found out what a Janelle looks like.  A Janelle is now where near as intimidating as a Delmer, so I said, “Why yes I am!” There were briefly distant introductions of Sheila and Becky as they were checking in.  Eventually we were able to coral them to the bar with us and continued lubricating our social skills.  We roughly had an idea of a time based on Delmer‘s arrival (’cause I for one was NOT leaving him behind), and we decided to go to the beautiful Bahama Breezes at the local mall.

We met together in the lobby at the appointed time, Delmer included, grabbed the hotel shuttle (formally known as NCC-JoyURStay), and we proceeded to the restaurant.  What can I say about that experience?  We were a dozen awesome bloggers partaking in excellent drink and fantastic food.  Can it get any better?  It turned into high entertainment when Mr. Fab (who’s garb was suspiciously similar to the staff’s) impersonated a manager of the restaurant and surveyed the other customers as they dined.  After his impromptu survey, and this is actually important to remember, there was a loud crash from the kitchen… and someone back there lost their paycheck.

After dinner we headed back to the hotel and did a round of acoustic karaoke while downing more social lubrication for the occasion.  The difference between the day and night bar staff was… well… day and night.  The day time drinks were severely lacking, but the night staff brought it back.  After a few hours of that, we closed down the lobby bar and retired for the evening.

Now rumor has it that Avitable made an impromptu visit.  Unfortunately I was unconscious… so I will view it as a myth along the lines of another certain jolly bearded fellow.

Saturday Breakfast and Lunch

Saturday morning Poppy and I had breakfast with Mike.  It was over this meal that I discovered that Canadians don’t really have Twitter… apparently their account activates when they cross the border.  Yeah.  Who knew?  This meal also lead to a very impromptu Cereal Wednesday that was totally off the cuff.  In hindsight, which is 20/20 off course, it could have been MUCH better… but it is what it is… which is a video first thing in the morning before my juices are properly flowing.

Practically right after breakfast… it was lunch time!  Poppy and I went to ANOTHER restaurant at the Altamonte Mall called The Elephant Bar where we met fellow blogger Jen and her way cool husband.  I’m not really sure if I’m allowed to say what they do… but let’s just say that if Poppy ever wants to be Ralph Kramden and send my Alice ass to the moon… well she knows people.  While we were enjoying the great food and awesome company, there was a loud crash from the kitchen… and someone back there lost their paycheck.

After lunch we did a bit of shopping… during which time I FINALLY found a costume… and at 50% off!  I also snagged an awesome Jack Skellington hoodie and some neon orange hair dye for the black lights.  We also got Poppy some boots.  Now I have to tell this the way I see it, so…

NOTE to Poppy’s Mom: You may want to skip this section…

Poppy needed boots.  She was looking at these killer PVC platform boots in the Halloween Store… but I had some concerns about her being able to walk in them.  Then at another shoe store, they had the leather boots with 5-inch stiletto heels.  Now look, I have absolutely nothing against a well placed stiletto in my upper to mid back… and really… I rather enjoy it… but this was still a party and these boots had to be somewhat functional.  Hence why I pushed for the awesome Converse style.  They were awesome, make her look hot, and functional all in one.  She balked a bit… because she wanted to have hot boots… but finally ceded when I explained to her there are some boots that are hot you wear (like the Converse)… and some you don’t (like the Stiletto).  She thought she’d look dorky in them… but luckily trusted my fashion sense in the matter… and she was pleasantly surprised when practically everyone commented on how great they did look.  Oh… and those Stilettos… yeah… we’re still gonna be getting a pair of those… that I assure you.

After the little shopping gamut we ran over to the local movie theater for a showing of Zack And Miri Make A Porno where we were joined by Mike, Karl, Janelle, and Sarah.  Unfortunately I had worn my Monroeville Zombies jersey to Florida… so I wasn’t actually suited for the occasion… but it was still a good movie who’s in depth review I will hold off on until I confer my feelings about it with my cinematic equal of all things Kevin Smith, KC.  After the movie we called for the hotel shuttle, which arrived in a flash and we were off to go get ready for The NeverWas Fair!

Fair Time!

So we scrub-a-dub dubbed, primped, and turned the bathroom a nice shade of neon orange.  After we were all set, we descended into the lobby to meet up with everyone else who was going via hotel shuttle to the party.  Surprisingly… the shuttle wasn’t there!  So we had to mingle a bit with the Klingons, Vulcans, and Starship Captains (which, btw, why is EVERY Trekkie a Captain?  WTF???  Can’t someone be a Number One or something?  Egos people… egos… are illogical) a little bit before departing for our certain doom.

Now you have to understand something… I taped my entire entrance into the festivities… but in post processing it turns out you can see virtually NOTHING.  Lack of light and stuff.  So when we first arrived there was a car “crashed” in the driveway with a dead clown behind the wheel.  A brightly lit neon arrowed sign pointed us to the entrance where we descended into corridors of darkness lined with shrunken heads, and a scary looking clown.  Then the fucking clown moved and I nearly had a spontaneous bowel movement.  Seriously fucking creepy.  So creepy, I was still a little stunned when I walked into the “Big Top” area and got greeted by The Bearded Lady himself.  For those of you who know about my EMS weakness may be wondering if I projectile vomited… but actually it didn’t bother me at all… or maybe I was just too stunned.  To go over every decoration detail and prop would take a long time… and I am absolutely sure that I missed something because it was THAT intricately decorated.  Let me just say, that Avitable and his band of merry Clown really went completely over the top.

The party was… well… a party.  There were the bloggers I’ve already met… like Miss Britt who was walking around with this Little Bo Peep stick waiting to wack the shit out of someone… Geeky Tai-tai was walking around as an uber sexy Ginsu Knife block… DevHil was the yang to Angel Snarf‘s yin… Finn depressed into the crazy crowd easily… and of course the King of the Costumes, Dave2 who went on a clown murdering spree as the Cerious Killer from Avitable’s T-shirt (which is still available for sale for a limited time only).

There were the bloggers I hadn’t met already… like the wonderful Certifiable Princess and her Hotband with whom I had philosophical discussions over the sell outs known as Metallica… the wonderful Sybil, who had the golden lasso, high kicks, and all… the lovely Faiqa who I was surprised to learn is NOT a militant liberal looking bury any of us Republicans she can find, but is rather a Republican herself… and of course beautiful Allyson who shared more of herself than I did of myself… and Shash who was laying down the law!  There were other new bloggers I met… but connecting “blog names” and “real names”, especially while I’m inebriated, is not my strong point.

I was also happy to meet some very cool non-blogger people as well.  While I’m not sure if I can mention names, *COUGH*JamesCarolinaJessJames(2)*COUGH*, it kind of became the question of the night.  Are you a friend… or are you a blogger friend?  Of course… I also got to meet the lovely Amy Avitable, who words cannot define her awesomeness (especially when someone puked on her carpet).  I really suck at telling who is who when they are in costume… so it took me a while to realize it was her since she wasn’t wearing glasses.

And oh… how could I forget… the karaoke.  See the video for a sample.

I think it was around 2:45am that Poppy and I carjacked a taxi with Finn and her husband already inside it.  We were back at the hotel by 2:59am… and asleep by 3:05am.  Really.  No… really (the clocks went back an hour at 3:00am… hehehehehe).

Morning After

I was hung over.  Seriously… I did not realize the night before just how smashed I was.  Holy cow.  Everything hurt… and the friggin’ breakfast buffet had crap like oranges and grape fruit.  What do people in Florida have against bananas!!!  Bastards.  So I drank Gatorade after putting an APB out for Karl who was driving Sybil to the airport and then slurping some crap down with Mike and Poppy.

Poppy and I had a 9:55 flight.  That was 9:55pm.  For some reason I thought that was the time we were supposed to land in New York… but that was the time we were scheduled to take off.  So after a quick nap, we checked out at 1:00pm and went to the airport looking for an earlier flight.  JetBlue came through this time… for $80 we got two seats on the 5:30pm flight instead.

Macaroni Grill

After my second Gatorade was down… now I was kinda hungry as my body came out of the dehydration.  So we went to the airport’s Macaroni Grill.  The food was good, service was great, and there was a loud crash from the kitchen… and someone back there lost their paycheck.  Seriously.  Every restaurant we went to this happened with the exception of the hotel buffet.  What.  The.  Fuck.  I just don’t get it.  Anyone have any hypothesis on why the wait staff in Florida can’t keep their dishes whole when I’m there that they care to share?

Home

When I boarded the plane at 5:15pm it was 67 degrees in Florida.  When I got off the plane at 8:00pm it was 40 degrees in New York.  It was cold… but it was home.  As expected the girls were happy to see us… I got a nice clawful from Ripples… but I can’t complain.  It felt kinda good.

Kinda like a Stiletto.

Finally, a big thanks to the Avitables for hosting such an awesome party!!!

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