I don’t know how many people remember… and perhaps I am completely dating myself… but there was once a time when a movie was actually in the physical movie theaters for at least six months. This was before the days of widespread VHS or DVD, and instead of being released on DVD six months after it’s theatrical release, the movie just stayed in the theater and perhaps was re-released after a few years for another theater round. This was back when a prime time movie cost about $5.00, a large popcorn with soda combined was $5.00, making a total cost per person at $10.00… and that was considered expensive.
During my 1983 Christmas school break, when I was the ripe old age of 9, my mother promised to take me to see Return of the Jedi for the 17th time. She wanted mother and son bonding time since my 2 year old brother seemed to monopolize her… and I wanted to see Wicket the Ewok again. She has a habit of making me these promises dealing with Star Wars, and neither self-mutilation via firecracker or Noreaster Blizzard will stop her from fulfilling that promise. She’s crazy like that. There has also been some discrepancy over what happens next… but needless to say I remember it all like yesterday and her recollection, as in all my stories of my childhood, is called into question.
So one day during that break, even though there were what seemed like 3 feet of snow on the ground (it was actually probably more like 3 inches), off we hiked to the only movie theater in the area that listed Return of the Jedi. The theater was called The Drake, and it was on Woodhaven Boulevard. Today it is a catering hall attached to an Italian restaurant. Back then it was the only theater that still had Return of the Jedi 7 months after its initial release. The walk was long and hard. The theater was a good 10 (really 2.7) miles from our house. Through the whipping winds, white out conditions, frostbitten extremities, and snarling treacherous alley cats we trekked. Finally arriving at the theater I looked up past my frozen hood like Han Solo on Hoth… only to discover that Return of the Jedi played there no more.
In it’s place was a flick called A Christmas Story. Now I’ll be honest, I thought it was going to be about Sweet Baby Jeebus… because you know A Christmas Story and A Nativity Story sound a helluva lot alike when you’re a seething 9 year old deprived of Ewoks. Oh Sweet Baby Jeebus was I wrong.
Now I could prattle on and tell you all about the movie. How it revolves around Ralphie living in the mid-west in the 1950s, his brother Randy who hasn’t eaten voluntarily in over three years, his mother who has not had a hot meal in 12 years, his father who belongs in the pits at the Indy Raceway, or how even in the 1950s Little Orphan Annie lured children away from the soft glow of electric sex in the window to Ovaltine so the corporate coffers would be full for the eventual war against Nestle’ Quik. I could even tell you how the term “you’ll shoot your eye out” being uttered by Ralphie’s Mother, Miss Shields, AND Santa goes to illustrate the mundane trance adulthood puts you in. I could talk about the value of childhood daydreams and the huge role they play in the movie… or about how watching Randy overstuffed like the Michelin Tire Man practically made me piss my 9 year old pants. I could go on and on… but I won’t.
I won’t for the simple fact that I found out that there is actually someone who has not seen the movie yet. I know! I know! The absurdity outrage insanity complacency deprivation shame guilt sorrow this person (who shall remain nameless(*COUGH**BRITT**COUGH*) for their own protection from Sweet Baby Jeebus, lest he strikes them down like Chinese Turkey) feels must be incredible!!! This is such a life changing movie that TBS airs it for twenty-four hours straight starting on Christmas Eve and concluding on Christmas Day!!! How could you have possibly missed out on seeing this classic movie?!?!?
Everyone needs to do themselves a favor… if there is one movie you watch this holiday season… make it A Christmas Story
