Just another brick in the wall…
What a week. Besides the massacre performed on my mouth by my dentist Tuesday which has kept me down for a few days… there have been a few other ups and downs.
First… I’ve been entertaining the Steff’s happiness with the new guy… and her depression about everything else. The only cool thing is that she has me give her wake up calls in the morning… so I get to start my day off on a good note… talking to the Steff is always good… at least for me.
Second… work is a mountain of highs and lows. I no longer look long term… but handle things in the form of the short term crisis that occur… and I can’t do anything but go with the flow. My problem is serenity does not exist for me on the things I cannot change… I want to change them all. Inner peace is lacking… and will probably continue to be scarce.
Then of course there is Chris… my one true love… the one who will never be for reasons that are mostly mine rather than hers (and for the same reasons why I’ll never end up with any of them… and why my ex divorced me)… and the fact that after spending an hour sobbing to me last Friday… now I can’t find her.
I hate when people disappear. I should GPS all of them… simply because I know subconsciously that all of them… in one way or another… are bricks in my wall.
And so… when I see stuff and deal with stuff… I have to keep it in… because I’m a page turner and not a talker… and I wonder when this wall will come tumbling down so I can turn the pages again…
Hopefully this is helping…
What a week. Besides the massacre performed on my mouth by my dentist Tuesday which has kept me down for a few days… there have been a few other ups and downs.
First… I’ve been entertaining the Steff’s happiness with the new guy… and her depression about everything else. The only cool thing is that she has me give her wake up calls in the morning… so I get to start my day off on a good note… talking to the Steff is always good… at least for me.
Second… work is a mountain of highs and lows. I no longer look long term… but handle things in the form of the short term crisis that occur… and I can’t do anything but go with the flow. My problem is serenity does not exist for me on the things I cannot change… I want to change them all. Inner peace is lacking… and will probably continue to be scarce.
Then of course there is Chris… my one true love… the one who will never be for reasons that are mostly mine rather than hers (and for the same reasons why I’ll never end up with any of them… and why my ex divorced me)… and the fact that after spending an hour sobbing to me last Friday… now I can’t find her.
I hate when people disappear. I should GPS all of them… simply because I know subconsciously that all of them… in one way or another… are bricks in my wall.
And so… when I see stuff and deal with stuff… I have to keep it in… because I’m a page turner and not a talker… and I wonder when this wall will come tumbling down so I can turn the pages again…
Hopefully this is helping…
So I’ve had a relatively non-eventful yet very interesting weekend.
My friend with the boyfriend troubles lost her job Friday. Ok… its more than that… she works where I work… and in fact I was her boss up until about two months ago. After returning from my work in the deep south, I have a new role and someone else has taken my place… so she had a new boss.
Now because she’s my friend… there was also that workplace jealousy/hatred of her… which I suppose was fair enough too since I do have strong feelings for her and care for her deeply. Was this unfair targeting? I certainly feel so. On the other hand… she really doesn’t care about it… and it seemed I was more upset about her being fired than she was.
So Saturday she calls me at noon… which if you know her is VERY odd. She’s a late sleeper. Sure enough… her boyfriend who she has been fighting with had called her up and told her all about how he spent the night with another girl. This flipped her out… over the edge… and she was crying hysterically. So… while I had been supportive of her attempts to regain her relationship… going so far as to assist her in trying to romance this LOSER back… I had to tell her enough was enough… and that as bad as it may seem… tomorrow’s a new day… and so we talked four more times that day… I even met her in Mandees where she was shopping with a friend to drop her off some medicine I had left over.
So Sunday she calls me… chipper and happy and has great news she needs to tell me in person. So she comes over, and it turns out she met a guy the night before… blah blah blah. So we go out to dinner where she just prattles on and on and on. During dinner… “HE” calls. Needless to say, we went our separate ways… she went to hang out with him… and I cruised the streets of the Hills looking for some action with my boy KC. It was pretty uneventful… a drunk on probation from Connecticut and a 14 year old flipping from failing chemistry. Go figure.
So I expect to hear how wonderful this new guy is… so one and so forth… and why is this somewhat important? Because I need to break this damn block… and I think a big part of it are my feelings for her. See… even here, I write about her… all I can ever write are things to her… she haunts me worse than the rest and it is definitely affecting me.
Well… I’ve always told her the most important thing to me was her happiness… and hopefully with this new guy she can find that… and tomorrow is a new day… hopefully for me too…
My friend with the boyfriend troubles lost her job Friday. Ok… its more than that… she works where I work… and in fact I was her boss up until about two months ago. After returning from my work in the deep south, I have a new role and someone else has taken my place… so she had a new boss.
Now because she’s my friend… there was also that workplace jealousy/hatred of her… which I suppose was fair enough too since I do have strong feelings for her and care for her deeply. Was this unfair targeting? I certainly feel so. On the other hand… she really doesn’t care about it… and it seemed I was more upset about her being fired than she was.
So Saturday she calls me at noon… which if you know her is VERY odd. She’s a late sleeper. Sure enough… her boyfriend who she has been fighting with had called her up and told her all about how he spent the night with another girl. This flipped her out… over the edge… and she was crying hysterically. So… while I had been supportive of her attempts to regain her relationship… going so far as to assist her in trying to romance this LOSER back… I had to tell her enough was enough… and that as bad as it may seem… tomorrow’s a new day… and so we talked four more times that day… I even met her in Mandees where she was shopping with a friend to drop her off some medicine I had left over.
So Sunday she calls me… chipper and happy and has great news she needs to tell me in person. So she comes over, and it turns out she met a guy the night before… blah blah blah. So we go out to dinner where she just prattles on and on and on. During dinner… “HE” calls. Needless to say, we went our separate ways… she went to hang out with him… and I cruised the streets of the Hills looking for some action with my boy KC. It was pretty uneventful… a drunk on probation from Connecticut and a 14 year old flipping from failing chemistry. Go figure.
So I expect to hear how wonderful this new guy is… so one and so forth… and why is this somewhat important? Because I need to break this damn block… and I think a big part of it are my feelings for her. See… even here, I write about her… all I can ever write are things to her… she haunts me worse than the rest and it is definitely affecting me.
Well… I’ve always told her the most important thing to me was her happiness… and hopefully with this new guy she can find that… and tomorrow is a new day… hopefully for me too…
The Steff…Just A Brick In My Wall
So a friend sends me this e-mail in an attempt to make me laugh…
The Guys’ RulesAt last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, theguys’side of the story.(I must admit, it’s pretty good.)We always hear “the rules”From the female side.Now here are the rules from the male side.These are our rules!Please note.. These are all numbered “1”ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.1. Learn to work the toilet seat.You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.We need it up, you need it down.You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides.Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.Let us be clear on this one:Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work!Obvious hints do not work!Just say it!
1. Yes, and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That’swhatwe do.Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the waysmakes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do somethingOr tell us how you want it done.Not both.If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say duringcommercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. Wehave no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act likenothing’swrong.We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a q question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answeryoudon’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Isfine…Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared todiscusssuch topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, golf or camping.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
Now see… it’s really pretty funny… except for the last line… see… cause I sleep on a damn futon every night. I don’t have a bed, or a room of my own at night… I crash at my mom’s. Now… the really crazy part is I own a house. My house unfortunately is 2.5 hours away from me… and my job remains here in NYC. Hence one more reason I need to break the block… I need my own place.
The Guys’ RulesAt last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, theguys’side of the story.(I must admit, it’s pretty good.)We always hear “the rules”From the female side.Now here are the rules from the male side.These are our rules!Please note.. These are all numbered “1”ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.1. Learn to work the toilet seat.You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.We need it up, you need it down.You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides.Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.Let us be clear on this one:Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work!Obvious hints do not work!Just say it!
1. Yes, and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That’swhatwe do.Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the waysmakes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do somethingOr tell us how you want it done.Not both.If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say duringcommercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. Wehave no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act likenothing’swrong.We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a q question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answeryoudon’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Isfine…Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared todiscusssuch topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, golf or camping.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
Now see… it’s really pretty funny… except for the last line… see… cause I sleep on a damn futon every night. I don’t have a bed, or a room of my own at night… I crash at my mom’s. Now… the really crazy part is I own a house. My house unfortunately is 2.5 hours away from me… and my job remains here in NYC. Hence one more reason I need to break the block… I need my own place.
So… why Blog… why have I decided to start writing on the Internet about meaningless stuff to the rest of the world except to myself? I was told I had to do it… well actually I don’t HAVE to do anything. I’ve proven that time and time again.
So here’s basically what happened. Monday, I realized I couldn’t write anymore. Exactly… I slammed into a brick wall of writer’s block. The problem is, I didn’t exactly slam into it on Monday. I’ve been slammed into it for the past 4 years. Yes, I know, 4 years is a long time. It wasn’t a total block… just a block on the most important things I wanted to write.
Like my memoirs. I’ve written this 20+ Chapter Memoir about the time I’ve spent in my local volunteer ambulance corps… but yet it sits and lingers now for over 4 years with nothing. I also had another novel I had started… 750,000+ words in… and now stalled for the past 4 years as well.
What have I written within these 4 years? Well, actually I’ve written quite a bit of Policy and Procedure. I’ve written some gaming articles for Scrye Magazine. Everything else… well… it seems it can’t come from my mind. It seems I’m stuck writing from my heart. It’s as if the first two words aren’t “Dear X” (insert female name where X is… female name of your choice, for I know the few I am stuck on) then it just won’t work. See, even now… although you won’t see it… those two words are at the top of the page.
Yes… I said a few. I have an ex-wife I still care for, even though she can be a total horror show. A friend from high school who is my “ultimate love”, you know the one who will never be. A friend from work with a piece of crap boyfriend, who of all the insane and torturous things I do to myself, I help HER write love letters to HIM hoping he’ll take her back when they break up. I have an ex-girlfriend who I still write and talk to… I even helped her and her husband move to New Jersey, so no, nothing more than platonicness there. Finally, the mysterious pen pal in California… who says she’s twenty-four but with my luck is probably a fifty-seven year old dude playacting.
So what have I not been able to write? Well, all the articles I got ideas for over the past four years for JEMS… Journalof Emergency Medical Services is where I want my writing. There… and Playboy… and wherever I can so I don’t have to continually watch over my back and worry about getting fired for being the outspoken, brash, get’r’done type of person I am in a corporate environment of hand holding while placing the execution mark on your head.
I want freedom. I need to break this block. I need to write. I need a place and a purpose to do these things from. I need to be able to feed my son, keep the ex-wife happy, find my friend a new boyfriend who loves her, get my ex-girlfriend and her husband season tickets to the Jersey Devils (just one reason we broke up… I’m a Ranger fan), and eventually fly to California to meet Ms. Mystery and hopefully to play in the Bay 101 Shooting Star Poker Tournament. This is what I need to do… and so if writing here and posting will help me break this block… this is what I’ll be doing.
So here’s basically what happened. Monday, I realized I couldn’t write anymore. Exactly… I slammed into a brick wall of writer’s block. The problem is, I didn’t exactly slam into it on Monday. I’ve been slammed into it for the past 4 years. Yes, I know, 4 years is a long time. It wasn’t a total block… just a block on the most important things I wanted to write.
Like my memoirs. I’ve written this 20+ Chapter Memoir about the time I’ve spent in my local volunteer ambulance corps… but yet it sits and lingers now for over 4 years with nothing. I also had another novel I had started… 750,000+ words in… and now stalled for the past 4 years as well.
What have I written within these 4 years? Well, actually I’ve written quite a bit of Policy and Procedure. I’ve written some gaming articles for Scrye Magazine. Everything else… well… it seems it can’t come from my mind. It seems I’m stuck writing from my heart. It’s as if the first two words aren’t “Dear X” (insert female name where X is… female name of your choice, for I know the few I am stuck on) then it just won’t work. See, even now… although you won’t see it… those two words are at the top of the page.
Yes… I said a few. I have an ex-wife I still care for, even though she can be a total horror show. A friend from high school who is my “ultimate love”, you know the one who will never be. A friend from work with a piece of crap boyfriend, who of all the insane and torturous things I do to myself, I help HER write love letters to HIM hoping he’ll take her back when they break up. I have an ex-girlfriend who I still write and talk to… I even helped her and her husband move to New Jersey, so no, nothing more than platonicness there. Finally, the mysterious pen pal in California… who says she’s twenty-four but with my luck is probably a fifty-seven year old dude playacting.
So what have I not been able to write? Well, all the articles I got ideas for over the past four years for JEMS… Journalof Emergency Medical Services is where I want my writing. There… and Playboy… and wherever I can so I don’t have to continually watch over my back and worry about getting fired for being the outspoken, brash, get’r’done type of person I am in a corporate environment of hand holding while placing the execution mark on your head.
I want freedom. I need to break this block. I need to write. I need a place and a purpose to do these things from. I need to be able to feed my son, keep the ex-wife happy, find my friend a new boyfriend who loves her, get my ex-girlfriend and her husband season tickets to the Jersey Devils (just one reason we broke up… I’m a Ranger fan), and eventually fly to California to meet Ms. Mystery and hopefully to play in the Bay 101 Shooting Star Poker Tournament. This is what I need to do… and so if writing here and posting will help me break this block… this is what I’ll be doing.
So… here I sit… watching over a domain smoldering with the souls of the ancients being burned by the butane torches of the young… sitting at the bottom of the heap.
Someone remind me why I sit here… doomed to press enter a thousand times a day… watch the rows of colors begin their journey at the bottom of the screen… only to be eaten by the monster at the top… why?I guess because someone has to… so if not me, then who?
Well… if I didn’t sit here, then how would I be able to relay my interesting life and times… and my interesting exploits. I have had an interesting life thus far… and at the ripe old age of 31, I’m ready to retire… but not before a recount myself amongst the masses.
So here I sit… at the bottom of the heap… going through this old dog’s bones… plucking the meat and sucking out the marrow…
Someone remind me why I sit here… doomed to press enter a thousand times a day… watch the rows of colors begin their journey at the bottom of the screen… only to be eaten by the monster at the top… why?I guess because someone has to… so if not me, then who?
Well… if I didn’t sit here, then how would I be able to relay my interesting life and times… and my interesting exploits. I have had an interesting life thus far… and at the ripe old age of 31, I’m ready to retire… but not before a recount myself amongst the masses.
So here I sit… at the bottom of the heap… going through this old dog’s bones… plucking the meat and sucking out the marrow…
